aloveworthgiving3

growing and stretching

2011-10-30T03:48:00.001-07:00

When I was saved in Jan of 2005, I didn't need a church for God to reach me. My life came crashing down and God used close friends who thankfully went to church and knew how to lead a lost person Home. But when I realized God was real, it was just me and Him. I forget that sometimes. I forget that the most intimate life long lesson moments are just between the two of us.
This past year, especially the past 4 months have been the hardest ever. Gary took on a new position as a boss in his company, I started teaching high school, which sucks by the way, and i have a 2.5 year old and 9 month old. Safe to say i have a LOT on my plate. Gary is rarely home, and when he is, his job has sucked the life out of him so much he is only with us in body...his mind and spirit are lost in nothingness. This has been real hard because one of the reasons i married gary is because he is so involved with family and family is a number one priority with him. he was so involved when abbey was younger, but now because of this job he hasn't been able to be involved at all. on top of that it's killing him inside. if i share my concerns with him about not being around, it would make him feel horrible and crush him. when i told him adelyn crawled one saturday morning he had to be in the office, he was devistated.
he tells me how i'm the glue that holds all of us together, and i really appreciate those words, but sometimes when i'm all alone doing everything, i start to focus on the bad and make it even worse. "what about me" always runs in my head. i never get time to myself and when i do all i want to accomplish is a nap of some sort. (doing everything also involves teaching 10th graders how to read, laundry, cooking dinner every night, grocery shopping, baths, comforting a 9 month old in the middle of the night with an ear infection or teething, then waking up at 5 am to get the kids ready take them to daycare and the whole process starts all over again) we just moved to tampa and i have no friends to hang with in my "free time".
now all this "doing" may not be a big deal, but when I focus on all the negative and magnify it, it turns me into a bitter, mean, resentful you know what. not the loving nurturing woman god made me to be and promised me i would be that cold january evening.
so after this week during my peer evaluation that i was freaking about, i had a break down wed night and god spoke.
"rae, you dont have a church, but when you did, that couldn't help you in this season either...so stop focusing on being alone...gary feels the same way as you do, that's why i brought you together...the doing...well rae it's not as important as you think, you're just using that to make the time fly by because you hate this season so much-just embrace it-it's not going away for a while. gary is going to be a success, and he needs u to help and do your part if u ever want to be the success i promised you you would b. you will break generational curses, you will not manipulate, you will love and nurture your family and i will use you to bring them to a place of peace and growth and accomplishment. but u are not alone. i am a better source than what anyone can give you. stop turning me on and off. i love you"
I think of Pastor Kerri and how she must have had to hit that point of breaking too. Pastor Stovall is one of the greatest pastors in the US. God called him to lead an influential church for this century and she was probably all alone. but look at her now-she is an amazing pastor and probably didn't spend the time during her hard seasons just fixed on the bad parts of it. she pressed in and now look at all her wisdom!!! when i do get really lonely, i listen to her sermons or think about what she would do in my situation. even though i give all my glory to god, i'm still thankful for PK. we aren't besties or anything, but she is that spiritual leader i know has gone through a major refining process-i mean come on LOOK AT THAT WISDOM! plus behind every great man, is an even greater woman...
so thank you God for being louder than my self pity..i will chose to follow your lead and take your comfort-help me to always make that choice. also, help us find a church we can give ourselves too, i love helping others-it keeps my mind off myself...that would be excellent
love, me

Wisdom

2011-07-08T04:20:00.000-07:00

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. (Proverbs 3:5 MSG)
Good old wisdom....you know it took me three days to finally turn to god's word for answers. Thank goodness for you versions bible app. My daily devo turned me right to proverbs today. Proverbs then states:Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. (Proverbs 3:6 MSG)
Hmmmmmm.... But god I have a crazy two year old and a baby who doesn't sleep. There has to be some answers on a blog or in a book i can read to implement right?
Not in this season rachael.....
God has been calling me so close to him....I get comfy and thennnnnnnnnn wham he gets me where I am weak just to call me back!!!! My sleep and my patience!!!! I'm not even going to try and figure out why I just know it's him. And most importantly because he loves me and my family. I actually was seeking a parenting devotional....lol funny god real funny! Throw in proverbs 3 and I am speechless, in awe over His greatness and love, You were speaking right to me.
Abbey has been so testy during our recent dramatic change. She has backslid in the potty training department and is pretending to be a baby. God keeps calling me to just pray over her and with her. Yes to discipline, but really to just pray a lot. We'll see what happens. Then little "baby" adelyn as abbey calls her, is teething, cranky, restless, just not herself. I want to just complain- and I have via Facebook, but again- why haven't I been praying over her too? I will go nuts if I don't!!
I originally read proverbs three with the focus of finding answers on how I can change my girls issues...thru discipline, etc. But really, ended it by being reminded that I'm not in control- but my father is- all I need to continue to do is ACT in prayer and trust and work on my relationship with him.
Love you lord and thanks for this encouragement that I will keep with me during this sea on of craziness and transition.

Galations 1

2011-06-30T04:11:00.000-07:00

"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."

God I've always struggled with this. I know it started at home growing up and branched out into every area of my life. I felt it strongly when I was interviewing for new jobs out of my field. I kept feeling i was trying to sell myself and win their approval. Lord, when I start this new position this fall, please help me to only try and win your approval. I know that if I allow you to lead my career, these children who struggle greatly with reading, will succeed.
I also know that if i continue to allow you to be my only focus with my family, my husband and children will feel the greatest love of all. The love directly from you.
Thank you for your word and you servant Paul. Every time I read any of the books he wrote, a change happens in my heart and mindset.
I pray the lost people of this hurting world get a chance to experience this love. It's not so overwhelmingly emotional anymore, now that I've been a Christian for so long, but it's so much better. How amazing is it that I can come to you at any time knowing all the promises and blessings you already have over my life?
I have to ask myself to "please allow myself to stay close to you Lord...don't forget Him, push through the tired times, push through the lazy times, frustrating times, disappointing times..."
It was not even a day later, and you already had answered my prayer and settled my heart about all the worries and anxieties of this season..i didn't even have to wait for overnight delivery! Just two days of putting you first again and already huge changes in our lives are happening. HUge changes with our girls are happening. THANK YOU JESUS. Lord, how do people live their lives without you!?
Wish me luck at the zoo with 3 two year olds, a 9 year old and a 5 month old....things should get interesting!!! LOVE YOU LORD

You....FIRST....in EVERYTHING

2011-06-29T03:50:00.000-07:00

i finally made myself stay up after this last 6 am feeding God! I know the little things here and there are hints you want me dialoguing with you. It's been such a long time since we really have talked or I acknowledged you. I figure what better place than this blog? I can't believe I haven't written on it in over a year! I used to have so much time for you and being persistant in the Word. It's not that I don't love you or care, but I have totally let my priorities go in the wrong direction. I'm not sinning or resorting back to bad habits, I've actually grown a lot. I want more than ever to be a woman of integrity and selflessness. You've given me so much to be thankful for-but also, so much to look over, protect, and nurture. How did the Proverbs 31 woman do it? How did she keep her patience all the time with a 2 year old around? How did she make sure her 5 month old stayed on a schedule and slept through the night? How did she show her husband that he came before anything in her life? How did she keep growing in her career and make sure the people around her in her job were better people just by being around her? AND HOW DID SHE DO THIS ALL AT THE SAME TIME?
I know it's only because of You. I know it's only because she put you first in her life above all. Above worrying, organizing, planning, working, and living out day to day tasks. It's so easy to just allow myself to only survive my life, by just to say, "if i can only get through this day, if i can only just make it to their nap time"
I'm so tired of living like that! I want to thrive, I want my husband to thrive, and i want my children to thrive! I thought when I woke up, I would end up giving you this long laundry list of "help me's" or "give me's". But i know what i need to do to thrive-I know how to take back over my life and not just try to survive. YOU....FIRST....IN EVERYTHING....
Presently, you have opened every door but one we are waiting on. I know it's because you were waiting on me. Gary has changed and prioritized what he needs to-and now u are waiting on me to come back to your arms. The only thing I ask of you is...nothing, you just did it. Throughout the course of simply getting up and writing this blog, you have put your truths back in my heart and mind, just like that. I don't need to ask anything of you-i know you will handle it. I know you are for me and I need to exercise my faith in order for the rest of it to fall into place. Tampa-here we come!!!!

Shine 2010

2010-05-14T05:14:00.000-07:00

For the past 5 years I have been carrying around the same journal when I attend Shine. God put it on my heart to write in it when I learned new things about being a Godly woman. God then spoke it to me to write it to my future daughter. I would take it on mission trips and conferences. And last night at Shine, I heard the most life changing message by a man named Jentezen Franklin. I was writing it down in my journal to Abbey and realized that for the first time, after all these years of writing, I could feel what God wanted me to do. I felt a strength in my purpose like I never felt before. DOn't get me wrong, Shine has had some life altering messages...Lisa Bevere prayed over our wombs one spring and the next month I was pregnant with Abbey! Last night stirred up a passion, a fire. What if God was trying to use me and I was so blind to the fact because I didn't believe it? I didn't believe about HOW he wanted to use me. I ask and ask and ask...
I truly with all that I am want to be a stay at home mom and focus my life on my family-but for whatever reason-outside influence, the world's view, whatever had caused me to think that it wasn't powerful enough, it was impactful enough-so I went back to work and every day I struggle to be and do it all. Even when I read Christine Caine's book (which is AMAZING-by the way)about having and doing it all, God was whispering, but i wasn't confident in what I was hearing....
I can't get myself to be excellent in raising and nurturing my family because I'm focusing on my job, and I can't be excellent in my job the way i know i can because I'm focusing on being there for my family. I feel pulled and guilty in every direction-but after last night's message-I feel like i'm missing out on what really matters-fighting for my family!!! My job is so important-I want to give it all I have. I want to utilize this summer to be everything to Gary and Abbey. I'm not going to let the outside world sway me into thinking that that position is not impactful enough. I've never felt so compelling to grow closer to God and seek his wisdom! I want Gary's purpose to flourish so bad-and I know that if i can be there for him 100% (in mind, body, and spirit) then he will have extra encouragement he needs to do so. How do women have energy and time to have a full time job and also feed what is necessary to their family spiritually? I have only been back to work for 9 months now and i'm already burned out-and thinking if i kept this up after more kids? They all would just get the left over love...but every woman has a different calling and can handle it. I just know for me, after we have our next baby I am staying home. Wow, that scared me to write that-but I know it's a good scare and it's what God wants from me. Lord let me never forget last night's message....I'm going to do everything I can to keep the purposes of God my focus for what He wants from my life, my vapor of a life. Abbey will one day read my Shine journal and I hope that it encourages her to follow God's will for her life-but I also know now and have the courage now to show her through my life...

Tebow in Denver!

2010-04-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting 4 years to feel "ok" cheering with Gary for Denver and NOW I CAN GUILT FREE! Tim Tebow was drafted in the first round to the Broncos! We love our Jags, but man they passed up a GEM! We're going to go all out this year! We had a family meeting and it's official, Denver is our team, we love Colorado and we love us some Jesus following Tebow!

Happy earth day everyone!

2010-04-22T08:46:00.001-07:00

Happy earth day everyone!

Guess Not?

2010-04-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Wow, last post was January...I guess I'm not really back to the blogging world.
I've read my last post a few times the past few days and it antimidated me...It's like I want to commit to blogging, but then, there is always something stopping me.
Over the past year and a half I have seen so much of myself that was ugly. Things that God's showing me that needed cleaning up and changing in order to follow His call on my life. I read Christine Caine's book, Can I have and do it all please? and I realized I wasn't focused on His calling on my life. I was afraid, like the whole blogging thing, to commit to it. I felt that if I did, then, I would miss out on something more exciting...when in actuality, it was just the voice of a liar saying that I would miss out-that my calling wasn't good enough, exciting enough, or impactful enough.
God has totally called me to be a strong, confident, loving, patient woman to my husband and daughter and women around me. There is nothing specific like "save the nation of Africa" or "lead a woman's small group on whatever" It's just, "Rachael, be who I called you to be....stop comparing. Stop pretending...Look at how wonderfully I have made you-and use it" I was getting goals mixed up with my purpose. Or doing, doing, with who I am in Christ.
If you know me, you know that Gary and I felt called to Africa. I knew God was working on us then too....When that didn't work out, we were totally lost. We were confused. We were hurt. But mostly, we had no idea what God wanted from us. We thought that Africa was our purpose, but it was just a goal, a serving opportunity to love on the lost. Isn't that every Christian's calling? After we stepped back from noise and confusion, we were able to start over in a way with God. It took a while-lots of testing and trials, and failures to get it quiet enough to hear God's voice.
All I can say is, if you were a fly just chillin in our house during the past year and a half....you would have said to yourself, "how on earth are they going to get through this". But I wouldn't have traded our "valley" for anything. I learned more about myself. I learned that people are people-not God. I learned more about how amazing, but human my husband is, and how important our partnership is for our life. I'm not an expert, infact not even close-I just keep praying God puts people in our life to learn from and watch!
I'm so glad that back in my first year of being saved that Pastor Stovall told us that being a Christian doesn't give you an easy pass for life. Sometimes I think being a Christian makes life harder in ways....but then i look at people not following God's way and say, man they have it HARD!
Anyways, we wouldn't have made it without out God or commitment. First, it took us choosing to believe what God says about us, and then it took being committed to those truths. That was the only way....Pastor Stovall has a blog today actually about commitment and discipline that I really enjoyed. Living the Christian life is choosing to live through commitment and discipline. Two things that I naturally dislike. Thank GOD He's bigger than what I dislike!!!

I'm Back!

2010-01-21T16:46:00.001-08:00

I titled this post as if I had like hundreds of devoted readers...lol. This post title is really just my quote. The quote of the season I'm in. "I'M BACK" phewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww it's about time RACH!
I think after 10 months of getting the hang of motherhood, parenthood, wife-hood, and jesusfreak follower-hood...i feel like i can breathe. I thought all of it together meant-PERFECTION...totally not..and it's taken me this long to realize it. I am not a perfect being..i am a daughter of the Most High God. wow, enough said. You don't have to be perfect when you've got that title before your name! I wish i could fill that in when I complete an application..
mr. ___ mrs.___ ms.____ daughter of the most high god____
I would check that one every time....
i'm still kind of marinating on this so more later!

Stick Figure Family

2009-04-04T15:59:00.001-07:00

Make your Stick Figure Family at FreeFlashToys.com

help me Lord

2009-04-04T15:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I've offically been a mommy for over a month. I can't describe how different my life is. I'm constantly needed 24/7. I thought being a wife was challenging-motherhood is was more. I'm just getting a taste of how God cherishes me now. I have a long way to actually "get it"...but He gives me tastes. We went to Colorado when she was almost 3 weeks....needless to say, I was a nervous wreck. The plane ride-to nursing in public (covered of course)-to letting a zillion family members handle her...i think I aged about 5 years. But I realized in it all, that she's not mine-God's watching over her, ready for her to live out His plan for her life....My worrying does nothing-doesn't make the situation better-just brings more tension in my life. She's so perfect, healthy and strong. I can't believe that God would entrust me with her....man can you imagine how Mary felt having to care for Jesus? That's how i picture caring for Abbey, that she has just as an important purpose to walk out. She's already brought so much joy to people's lives-my nervousness will only hinder that. Lord, please bring me closer to you-when I'm there I feel your peace-when I'm there, I know my family is cared for...help me control these overpowering emotions that aren't fully developed yet...just like you made Abbey perfect-you've also given me everything I need to be a good mom and wife-help me walk in that truth Lord.

Abbey Grace Randall

2009-03-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

3-2-09
7 pounds, 2 ounces
20 inches

Phasing out

2009-02-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am 6 days away from my due date...I went to the doctor for my 39 week apt. yesterday and he told me I was still 1 centimeter and 60% effaced. I hear that is good for a week away...but I was hoping to be a little further along (centimeter wise). This is Gary's child-you think she would be waving and kicking to get out, right? Well, after the apt. I was kind of bummed. I just feel like she's been in there forever-and I just want to meet her!
The days of your last week of pregnancy seem to go by so slow. Work has been real slow due to the fact that I've been phased out. I'm in a co-teach situation, and for so long I was the source of everything for the kids (my co-teacher just returned from maternity leave). She's been slowly phasing herself in, and now it's my turn to phase out. Which leaves me sitting behind my desk only to stare at the dates on my desk calendar. I have managed to highlight any tiny activity i can for the last 3 weeks. FCAT is approaching, so we've been giving a lot of practice tests to help them gain some endurance for the test-so that's been really boring.
But I guess there is a good thing about phasing out of the whole job scene-I get to phase in full throttle into the mommy scene! I've been so anxious to get started...everything is ready for her. I find myself cleaning things that don't need cleaned, arranging things that have already been arranged 6 times, and checking my hospital bag every night just to make sure i haven't forgotten anything. If this doesn't build patience, I don't know what does.
So here's to phasing out of one season in my life only to jump into another! I'm ready to dive in head first! You hear that baby Abbey!!!

Being the Salt

2009-02-23T03:35:00.000-08:00

When you make bread, and actually look at all the ingredients-flour has the largest quantity and salt has the smallest. But, if one were to forget the salt, the bread would absolutely be ruined. It would taste horrible. Even if you just miscalculated by a pinch-the bread would be trash worthy.
In Genesis, Abraham tested God by asking Him to spare the whole city of Sodom if there were just 50, then 45, then 40, then 30, all the way down to 10 righteous people. Each time, God agreed to spare the city. Now, the way I understand it, is that there weren't the 10 commandments, there wasn't Law, people just "did good" based on their heart's conscience-they were considered "righteous" even if they feared God, just a little. THere weren't these major religious people. So for God to spare just 10 righteous, these 10 people didn't have to be holy rollers, not even a little.
Personally, this speaks massively to my heart in two ways... God is not out to get even, or to prove points, or to quickly go after the sinners. Peter even calls God patient in hopes His people repent and follow Him. And number 2, He was willing to save a whole city of the worst sinners in the world (Sodom was the bottom of the bottom of heartless people) for 10 righteous hearts. Just their presence in that city made a difference in God's decision. Now unfortunately, there weren't 10 righteous-but if there were, it would be enough in God's eyes to spare ALL of them.
Just when you think you aren't "doing" enough...just when you think you aren't making a difference...just your presence is enough in God's eyes. We don't have to go and beat the Bible over people's heads, or drag them to church on OUR TIME-just spending time with them, listening, hearing their hearts is enough to God. I think so much of the time we focus on church being the only place God can work, so we serve until we're burned out which leads us to the point we are seperated from the rest of the world-because all we are doing in keeping ourselves inside the church walls....there's this huge bowl of salt inside the church-and no pinches of salt in the streets....i never realized this until my brother said he didn't think I cared about him because all i did was spend my whole weekend at the church. i never shoved anything down his throat-but just my absense in his life was enough for him to think that-what a horrible witness i was being...to my own family. it wasn't until Gary and I started investing out time into their hearts-just being there with them.....same thing with my co-workers...and I didn't have to do anything-it was just a pinch.
But all He needs is a pinch to create opportunity...with your family, your spouse, your co-workers....that's enough for Him.

just being real

2009-02-09T15:50:00.000-08:00

i really appreciate real people. you know-the kind that understand-and if they don't, they just listen. it's a battle sometimes for me to be real, i want to have it together or know what to say-but i've noticed that if i don't, then i wasn't supposed to...
i wasn't meant to be here at any other time, i wasn't meant to be someone else. I was supposed to be right here, exactly how i am, at this very minute. this very day has been in His plan, no matter what choices i make or have made-it was all for this very purpose. i pray i can keep this realization of who God's made me.
sometimes i get scared of what lies ahead. i get scared that i won't succeed-i won't land a job that i really want-that labor will be too hard, or that i'm not loving enough to my husband or daughter...
but if i choose to turn my eyes off that initial fear and remember that i'm here because God's placed me here, and no one else-just me....it gives me the confidence to trust in His ways...it brings a sense of peace that even if i look at a failure, i can see it in a healthy way and not a destructive one. I can see a success in a humble way, not a prideful one.
i can love better....

My Family

2009-02-09T15:49:00.001-08:00

Get your own Family Sticker Maker & MySpace Layouts.

Count Down....one month...

2009-02-04T03:45:00.001-08:00

I can't believe that I'm sitting here with a perfectly "ripe" child in my body....I can't believe she's almost here....I feel like those words are being spoken by God as well..."She's almost here, Rachael, I can't wait for you to see what I've made, what I've entrusted you and Gary with". Through this season of preparation-not just the physical prep, but spiritual, I've learned and seen so much I need to do and be for Abbey. I've had to face a lot of truth. I've had to press into a lot of Truth. I only want her to follow Truth. The excitement that we've been experiencing lately, I know is directly shared with God. He can't wait! He personally has the time to share this season with us every step of the way. I'm so thankful for the trials, because they've only turned into treasures. I'm so thankful we're doing this with God-I don't know how anyone else does it any other way...

10 weeks away....

2008-12-22T04:04:00.001-08:00

As I sit here, realizing that I'm going to be a real life mom in 10 weeks, there is just one major emotion that overwhelms me.....love....i feel so loved to know God has blessed me with a child. So many women can't have kids-or they get pregnant "the wrong time". But I couldn't have thought of a better time in Gary and my life to have a baby. And now it's hitting me-this is for real-I'm going to be a mom, the main source of protection and care for a helpless little child...thinking of all these great things she could be one day. And that's where I finally decided-i'm going to stay at home with her...until I feel released to go back to work. Gary told me in the beginning he would like for me to stay at home, but I just couldn't fathom not working. Sure take a few months off-then do both....but the closer to her birth we get-the more I'm realizing it's my role as a mother to stay home with her. So many women don't get that opportunity or choice for that matter. I have such a wonderful, well prepared husband who has given me that choice! At first I was like, ok maybe-with all this fear in my head-will we have enough money? what about medical insurance? what if i hate staying home all day? what if.....

what if I love it? what if i'm really good at it? what if i grow in areas i never thought i needed growth in? what if Abbey benefits from it? What if my husband benefits from it? Yes, I want to be who God's planned for me to be, but most importantly, I want my family to be all God's planned for them to be too.

I just feel so overwhelmed with love right now. Thank you God for the small miracles in life that truly matter. Thank you for giving us these blessings even though we don't diserve them.

Family

2008-11-15T12:31:00.000-08:00

I can say that all families are flawed....no matter who you are or where you're from-imperfections stick out like a sore thumb. it seems like, man, other people have this perfect family-or we trick our minds and hearts into thinking like there is such a thing. we hold these people to such a higher standard because they are of the same blood-but really they are just people, trying to survive in such a flawed world.
But that's where God stretches us, and for me it was being humbled...if we really look hard, we can see ourselves in the things that bother us about our family. i remember the first time i saw myself in my mother (other than our looks). for years i denied that we were anything a like. i would even resent if someone said i reminded them of her. but when i saw it myself- i sat in the car completely wrecked. I asked God to forgive me for all the resentment i had towards her over the past years. it was right then and there, He started to change our relationship. who encourages me now when i need reminding that God's in charge? who is the one to bring a positive light, when all i see ahead is darkness? she is everything i have ever wanted in a mom...but it wasn't until i allowed myself to be humbled did God make the move in her. don't get me wrong-she still is flawed, but more than ever, i know i'm flawed too, and we're in it together. i don't outwardly tell her that-but i show her by doing something she's wanted her whole life....i try taking care of her. i let her take off the "do everything" hat and just let her be herself. she's actually really an awesome person when she's not wearing the front....
and in all this analyzing of her, i realized i'm a much kooler person when i keep "my front" in the closet.
did you know that when i'm happy with myself, the love God has for me is even stronger? i didn't realize that not only did i push people away in fear i wasn't good enough for THEM-that i was too pushing away the one definite Love in my life.
it's like it's all connected-being humbled by God----->seeing people in a different light----->seeing myself as flawed, and that being ok----->seeing that we're all in this together---->opening my heart to love and be loved....
each time i see my family, talk to them or write, i have a greater appreciation for who they are. I am able to see (better) who they will be, just like God sees in me everyday.
it's like God had to humble me for me to forgive them for being them! Gee I wonder how many people God had to humble for them to forgive me for who I am to them!!!

Submittion

2008-11-11T07:57:00.000-08:00

why do I always cringe at that word? it wasn't meant to be something negative. i'm learning the more i do submit, the more peace in my life i have. what is this life anyways? didn't i ask God to take it a long time ago? the only songs that bring tears to my eyes are the ones that talk about our eternal home...my favorite is tanzania, by ali rogers....why the tears? because it's where my heart yearns for when i'm not hiding it from this flawed world, in this broken body. this world tells me to worry about myself-do what makes me happy...and that is what i had been trained to do..."watch your back rach, if you don't, no one will" and you know, to a certain point, if i look at it without God in the picture, it's true....i would be all alone, in a puddle of self pity. but I have God. in the toughest times in my life, i have Him. He never leaves me. He isn't people. He isn't hurt.
i think of my daughter...she'll be here in 4.5 months give or take. i don't want her to push people away, or hide herself from certain types of people just so she won't get hurt. i want her to have eyes like God does....and yes, even God gets hurt-but he sees people for who they will be....not who they are now. that's what he did for me....he still does!
i know someone who has the biggest heart for God's people. The passion this person brings to others lives just through a hug can out do a lifetime of serving in the church. it brings tears to my eyes to even think of the lives God's used this person to change. even when this person doesn't agree with people's ways, they still do what GOD wants them to do.....but recently this person was burned, over used, and struggling with what God had thrown their way....and couldn't understand it....so they took some time away, but on that break-lost the vision God has for their life....stop believing they were called to be a world changer. each day, as my heart breaks for this person-as much as i want to shake em and tell em to wake up-God keeps whispering, "you keep getting closer to me, and i'll handle them". Then the BUT comes in...."what if they turn from you God, what if they never want to follow in your ways"....must be why i wanted to shake em and tell em the Truth so much...but the BIGGER BUT over powered the BUT that brought doubt...
"BUT I'm telling you to do this..."
ouch.
Isn't this the God that changed me!? Isn't this the God who has completely WRECKED me for his ways for eternity? Yes, I do believe it is.
And it hasn't been as hard as i thought it would be...the closer i get to God, that is. i feel used and needed in the situation, as much as it's not about me. i haven't spent 50 hours in the word, or reading a ton of the latest christian books-but just believing in the outcome that God plans.... He's so simple....he really is. The less i expect to see from my faith and the more i put into it- has truly made the change. I see things more positively-which in turn has strengthened my faith.
So, when God asks you to submit to something, please, take my word for it-it's totally worth it. I'm not worried about what others think, or what the world is telling me to do either. I'm only asking for wisdom and patience-just enough so i can see what He's seeing. Believe what He's cookin up. IN an instant-God can change any earthly situation or trial....

My First Week Back

2008-10-23T17:42:00.000-07:00

What a week! My co-teacher had her baby right on her due date....that means I am left with a sub co-teacher for the rest of 2008...one week down 10 to go...thank goodness i'm completely out of the first trimester nasty-ness and have way more energy to get me through. It's defintely been a tough season, like I keep writing--ehhh, sorry about all that-but it has been. Getting pregnant has totally changed my whole life. You realize how much you worry about yourself....well, I realized how much I worried about myself. I've followed God for a while, but man, there's nothing like a good test of your words to the Big Man every now and then! The main thing I've learned is it's not about what I get or changes for me, but what i can do and the changes I can make for Him. Sometimes, admit it, you pray for things to change for you in your life..."God if only he understood what i was going through" or "please help me deal with this person"....now i kinda see (i'm in the beginning stages, bare with me) "lord give me the wisdom to help this person, not for me, but for them" or "lord help me understand what they are going through"....yes, i know we WANT to say those things, but face it, we are ugly sometimes...and human...something i recently realized to the fullest degree. I'm just praying that i can always see things like that...
here's a quote by mother teresa that really hit me....
"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired"
Lord, you are my rest-let me never get tired of loving....

here's baby abbey!!!

"These are a few of my favorite things...."

2008-10-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

a freshly cleaned house with vanilla candles lit with the lights off...ahhhhh

leaving my husband a love note on our kitchen counter....

left over birthday cake....(we celebrated Gary's bday last night-ice cream cake!!)

all my lesson plans for the following week finished by Wednesday!!

my mom coming to visit for the weekend....

finally feeling Abbey Grace kick inside of me...

thank you God for all these blessings-they mean so much more just knowing how much I don't deserve them...and you bless me anyways...

Screwtape Letters...

2008-08-30T04:21:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis lately...it's basically a story of a demon, Screwtape writing encouragement and "tips" to his nephew when dealing with a human who was an athiest and is now trying to live their life for God.
It really had me thinking....(so i'll try to organize it into words)
and all i could do was apply it to my life...
You know Satan puts so much effort into trying to steal us back...and through this man's struggle trying to know God, I wanted to be that little whisper in his ear that said, "it's worth it, keep fighting". I know God's already won, HUGE....and I guess it takes a lot of accepting the fact that our life isn't going to be easy. There was one part of the book that Screwtape even used people of this man's new congregation to turn him away, to build up pride that he was better than they were...Satan plays so dirty and the less emotions we allow him to play with the better off we are in the fight. Screwtape kept telling his nephew, "just bring in something that will set him off emotionally, like his past with his mother".
So, I looked more into CS Lewis and his life....and watched other people who dont' allow their emotions to run them. And i tried to figure out where I fit in to all of it. CS Lewis was very vocal about Satan being real....and I think sometimes I forget that when I let my emotions play-my thoughts to wander...He wasn't like, "oh that devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy kids" but he painted a picture for me that dang, he will take your mind, twist it into something so foreign that when you look in the mirror you won't know what's real or fantasy....that kind of jump started my whole motivation to control as much of my thought life as possible. For example, as sick as I'm still getting, I've changed my attitude towards Gary. When the sickness would strike (and it's now turned into after work-perfect timing for when Gary gets home) I've tried to exercise one of God's spirits through my actions and words instead of "Just leave me alone, i'm sick". There has been a major change in our time spent together. And through my efforts, i've been getting more sick-but i can see that as just another attempt to take back all Gary and I have grown towards...
I've decided that the writers who have been around FOREVER, the CS Lewis', Mother Teresas, the Oswald Chambers, well, they obviously knew what they were talking about if their books have lasted this long. I know sometimes I can read the whole book and only a few sentences would jump out at me-but those few words of wisdom really have made a difference in my life. It's helped take so much of the emotion out of my relationship with God...in a good way. Each encounter I notice more of a closeness to Him.

Hurricane Faye

2008-08-20T03:43:00.000-07:00

It seems like in the past couple of weeks i haven't had time to breathe with school starting and all. This year I am teaching 5th grade ESOL mixed with regular ed and ESE kids all together. I am co-teaching with another woman (and she's awesome!!!)- so it's 2 on 31! I've never had some many kids before, but i like it! The day flies by!! My co-teacher and I get along very well, we push each other at just the right level. Her strengths are my weaknesses and my strengths are her weaknesses. This school year is going to be a blast!!!
But today, as I sit in front of my computer at 6:00 am....checking the weather and news updates, I realized I am getting a little 2 day break. I can finally clean my house, catch up on laundry and finish the CS Lewis book i started. Hurricane Faye is reported to hit our city sometime tonight or tomorrow. Schools have been cancelled....Gary and I are off to stock up on water, batteries, and canned goods!
There have been many accidents due to power outages, so please pray for northeast Florida.
Much love, and I can't wait to share what I've learned from my CS Lewis readings!!! I"m not feeling pregnant sick so much anymore, so hopefully I'll be posting more again!!!

Anne Jackson

2008-08-05T07:10:00.001-07:00

i just love Anne Jackson at flowerdust.net this was one of her posts and one response that i truly loved...

at church i feel ___________________

feel? I feel? nah.

I like what Paul Washer said one time (to paraphrase)….

“When we come out of church talking about how HOLY God is instead of how we feel or “what we got out of it” THEN we will know we have been in a place where Jesus Christ is truly proclaimed.”

Unfortunately most churches today are focused on men and feeding peoples senses rather than breaking people down with truth. If changed dentists because my hygenist kept asking me how I felt. She was more concerned with my comfort than what might or might not be under my gums. Her job was to prepare my mouth to be inspected by the dentist. It’s the incredible responsibility of the Church to prepare people to be inspected (eternally judged) by a HOLY God.

So my answer is that I feel very uncomfortable, and rightly so.

amen.

Family

2008-07-30T06:05:00.001-07:00

Can I just say I love my family? People, jobs, events on the calendar, they all come and go-but man, we only get one family....
I always thought how cool it was that my mom had 4 sisters and 1 brother. I always had cousins to explore and play with. I had the funny aunt, the trendy aunt, the athletic aunt, the loving aunt and the uncle who i always couldn't wait to see, but was somewhat intimidated by because he was the only male i knew...family get togethers were always fun, i couldn't wait for holidays. If i found out one of my family members couldn't make it, i was in tears. i loved when everyone was together...
and then i grew up a little, agendas and my own plans got in the way...my life took over...i strayed from family, got into some trouble, made some horrible decisions, and lost touch of what really matters...i got distracted with minor things, temporary things.
my life was a mess and somehow, God saved me. I'd like to say it was something like light beaming down on my head, and God swooping me up into His arms, kissing me on the forehead, and that was it. but it wasn't. it was just the feeling of knowing there was more out of life-something i had just barely tasted before.
i wanted that feeling I had when i was with my family. i wanted be cared for, loved, and talked to. my parents were in no way perfect christians...in fact they were searching too. my extended family all had issues. but along with all of our issues, so much love came out of them. i didn't have to look at their successes or failures, categorize them based on their personalities or interests, see their past and judge them...i just remembered how much they cared for me all those years.
that's kind of where i am today. i haven't blogged in forever. i tend to get sea sick when i stare at the screen too long. but through these past few weeks tears just fall at how much i've let other things seperate me from the ones i really love. before i was saved it was my plans and agenda for my life that i allowed to seperate me. then after it was religion. i remember even being told to only surround myself with people who are believers. well, i heard, stay away from people who aren't fully committed to Jesus...that led to serving every service at church. i stopped talking to people outside my church in fear i would be lurded back into a sinful life. i understand that was necessary for where i was at then...but i turned that into my religion.
i lost touch with true love...
its all about relationships. i hear it preached, but i rarely see it. i would stay in my circle of comfort. i would justify that i was too busy to talk or hang out with anyone or anything outside a church event. i would choose not to visit my family because i had to serve every service....
slowly God gave Gary and I opportunities to miss our serving responsibilities, and we would go and visit family, or hang out with friends-and He started doing so much through us. the overflow of love i've so missed has come pouring out of me like an ever flowing river.
the words from a pastor i heard during the ONE prayer have really hit my heart. first, christians are seen as seperated from the world in a bad way-mean, judgemental, etc. and #2 yes, the local church is very important...but, i don't want it to ever seperate me from an opportunity to love someone. what i mean is, i don't want to be so busy, that that's all i am...that's my category that people see me in. or that people only think they can spend time with me at church, that i do have a life outside of it, where they can connect with me. i don't have to be in charge of whether they end up going to church-that's God's deal...my responsibility is to be a mini Christ-someone who makes time for people, whether they are believers or not. in this case, Gary and I have realized that in our families.
i no longer feel the pressure to serve or miss an event if there is an opportunity to grow closer to our family or friends. and in that change, that stepping outside our comfort, God has truly blessed us with real authentic relationships.

Crazy weekend!

2008-07-21T05:16:00.000-07:00

This weekend was crazy!!! Lisa had her 100 person baby shower, which was awesome!!! Gary and I had the best time!
Brenda (our sister-in-law) gave birth to their daughter, Ashley!!! She is so cute!!! Pictures will follow asap!!
And finally, Gary and I announced to the family that we are pregnant as well! We are expecting sometime in March :) More to come later!!

Oswald Chambers

2008-07-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

THE SPIRITUAL SAINT

"That I may know Him." Philippians 3:10

The initiative of the saint is not towards self-realization, but towards knowing Jesus Christ. The spiritual saint never believes circumstances to be haphazard, or thinks of his life as secular and sacred; he sees everything he is dumped down in as the means of securing the knowledge of Jesus Christ. There is a reckless abandonment about him. The Holy Spirit is determined that we shall realize Jesus Christ in every domain of life, and He will bring us back to the same point again and again until we do. Self-realization leads to the enthronement of work; whereas the saint enthrones Jesus Christ in his work. Whether it be eating or drinking or washing disciples feet, whatever it is, we have to take the initiative of realizing Jesus Christ in it. Every phase of our actual life has its counterpart in the life of Jesus. Our Lord realized His relationship to the Father even in the most menial work. "Jesus knowing . . . that He was come from God, and went to God . . . took a towel . . . and began to wash the disciples' feet."

The aim of the spiritual saint is "that I may know Him." Do I know Him where I am to-day? If not, I am failing Him. I am here not to realize myself, but to know Jesus. In Christian work the initiative is too often the realization that something has to be done and I must do it. That is never the attitude of the spiritual saint, his aim is to secure the realization of Jesus Christ in every set of circumstances he is in.

Francis Chan

2008-07-10T05:29:00.000-07:00

watch this is you want to be amazed...look for Jacob, he's nine

Zimbabwe's Status

2008-06-30T06:44:00.000-07:00

Here is the latest article from the Washington Post about Mugabe and Zimbabwe's status. I like how Eugene Cho said on his blog today about being apathetic to the reality of the nations. This is real, and these people need help. If we all did one thing to help, the world would be completely different in 7 days. Just think...each person did one thing to help someone else all at the same time.......

Influenced

2008-06-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

I have been influenced by two great women. Last night Gary and I had the opportunity to spend time with Victor and Ashley, our close friends who have an amazing passion for the people of the world. They were just married in May and recently returned from a MONTH long honeymoon to New Zealand, Australia, and Tahiti....I know what you are thinking!!!
Ashley said something last night that truly stuck in my head....
"Why isn't it cool to be happy or content or to have nothing to complain about?"
Think about it...everyone's a critic. I don't think there is an answer to that question as to why exactly, but then my Aunt Sandy encouraged me to write about what I'm thankful for.....she did it on her blog...and i like it.

This week....(not in order)
my husband..in general, just him-his encouragement, honesty and love.
hearing God's voice so quickly
definitely the coffee thing... (see post below)
having a peaceful week at home.
having a busy week of loving on people each night.
seeing my old college roommate sit next to me in church, and liking it....
summer school, not that i like it, but that it's a no brainer and full salary pay.
hopes and dreams that were shared.
a freedom of believing that God's plan is greater than man's.
choosing to not complicate God.
waking up each morning by kisses and smiles from Gary.
seeing Ashley and Victor, and the ability to be real with eachother...
Gary's boss George, who shows his love for us so much...
being in the world but not of it....man...freedom with not being religious.
thinking of Colorado....
man, just freedom, did i say that already?

Remember that whole coffee thing?

2008-06-27T05:16:00.000-07:00

So during our One Prayer series at church, our church as well as 1,500 plus churches decided to fast on Tuesdays. Last week Gary and I somehow didn't know it (we actually we led to fast on Monday-but anyway) until we showed up at Careforce and it was mentioned...so this week, i specifically heard God tell me to fast. When I heard it, I knew it wasn't supposed to be from food. He wanted the coffee thing, right then and there. Now, if you remember, I tried a couple of weeks ago on my own. I only lasted until 4 o'clock-and then the next day only until early afternoon....it was painful and I hated it. It was my first few days of summer, so I didn't even have work to deal with! I only drink 1-2 cups a day, so I was shocked by how hard it was!
So, back to Monday, I was sitting at work (yes I'm teaching summer school, remind me not to do it next year) and God was like, ok here's your chance to obey. So Tuesday I didn't have once sip....
RESULT?

NO headache, not tired-NOTHING!!!!!!!

Through out the day I felt a prompting to keep the ball rolling....

I am on day 4 of no caffeine! I feel great! I even had enough energy to run 3 miles each night after work! I couldn't believe it!
How did God do that?
Pastor Stovall used to always say, when you fast, really bring to God your prayers and draw close to Him. Don't just fast to fast basically. When I spent quiet time alone with Him-it wasn't to get anything, or believe him for anything-it was just my way of saying Thanks GOD. It felt so good to obey him. It feels better than any coffee craving I've ever answered.

And all day, I knew I wasn't doing it on my own.....

....

2008-06-20T04:53:00.000-07:00

You ever look at something and see what you want, only to realize that in reality it's completely not what you thought? But you're so comfortable with it, you keep pretending that it's the way you see it? You never really accept that a change needs to take place, or you hide behind your faith waiting for God to do it for you? I'm there...and my prayer is that I just want to be real. I want the strength to make the commitment to see this journey through. I want to dig myself a hole anytime I'm challenged to grow (unless I discover it on my own). My prayer is Lord, allow me to bear your spiritual fruit-that all these things i'm doing aren't just things. I want to make the right choice to be self controlled in my emotions, patient outside of myself, peaceful in Your perfect plan for me. I'm so tired of just doing and not moving up closer to you. Thank you for Careforce, that you for that challenge.
This morning i was a zombie. My hole was so deep I didn't care anymore. But for some reason I put in a Natalie Grant album (which is so not my style, so I thought-I have never really liked girl singers, except Allie Rogers). But every word reminded me that my situation is no different from anyone else trying to grow stronger and go further with God. If it's been really hard-then that just means that God wants me there more. Here's the song...

This is a song for anyone whose ever been
Knocked down and can't get back again
Stuck in the corner, and cant move foward
All alone and you think you're going nowhere
This is a song for anyone whos ever stood
Underneath the sun
And felt so small two feet tall and so out of place
He sees you- He knows you- He loves you
And he wants you to know that

Chorus
The life you've been living the days that
You've been given
Were made for something Beautiful
Life- Dont let it pass you by
Because you were created for something Beautiful

Heaven holds a dream thats just for you
And there are things only you can do
So step By faith, put the past away
It'll take you to a better day

Second to Minute to hour to life
Time always seems to fly
It's on the go and before you know
Your days are through
But he sees you- He knows you- he loves you
And he wants you to know that

The "Hate" List

2008-06-13T04:30:00.001-07:00

The Lord is taking our church to the next level in leadership. We're all realizing that the staff can't do everything! in order for our church to grow we as a body need to grow. Now to grow physically, we need nurishment. We went through a time that we needed milk, major doses of the Word, of counseling, and worship-but if we want to go to the next level, like Paul says, we must be weened from the bottle...Along with nurishment from food, we also need exercise-putting what we've been taught to practice. Each message can be this deep experience-but unless we can play it out, the message and the time spent listening is meaningless. Our awesome leadership of Pastor Stovall and his staff are preparing us as a unit to grow beyond just sitting in service. Just like Jesus, we aren't going to sit and pray for the world to change, we must be the change.
So about a year ago, the church implemented Careforce training. Gary and I never had the chance to go through the 10 week course because of other duties at church and then our full time jobs. But now, God's given us time to go to the group training. We are attending another campus' meeting because it is on Tuesday (Our campus has it on Wednesday and we have FUEL then).
I LOVE GOING TO THIS GROUP. It is so incredible for Gary and I to be around so many new faces. We all, together in that room are so hungry to glorify God. It's been great because so far, the message as been to remember God's grace. Remember his love, his mercy. The longer I follow God, the less talk about his grace there is, and more about his judgement. I guess it's because the longer you serve and learn about Him, the more you are able to see all of His characteristics. My mistake sometimes is i forget about how merciful He's been to me. I start focusing on all I can do to bless him, how much I do to show my love for Him...I forget about how much He loves me. When I really pray on that, an unexplainable overflow of love comes out of me.
Since summer has started for me, I've been blessed with these incredible quiet times with God. I picked back up my Beth Moore's Loving Well Bible Study. This study has been great because it goes beyond the head knowledge-and pierces your heart. It's challenged me to let the teachings flow into my veins.
We all are different, some of us get encounters with God from worship, or praying, or lying prostrate on the ground...Gary asked me the other day a time where the presense of God was so thick that I couldn't even explain how much I loved Him. I instantly resorted back to all the times people had shared with me about their experiences with God....and mine was never like their's. I haven't ever had the "fall out" experience...mine often comes as I read His word, like in a study or just reading the Bible. His love is so thick I am instantly humbled and feel like I'm a bath soaking in His presence...this study has strongly brought God into my heart.
So, why am I sharing all of this?
All of these things have been coming together-Careforce, my quiet time, His love...even the songs i sing...
"I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." (Luke 6:27-28).
I haven't met one Christian who has ever asked me Who I hated, who makes me blood boil, who I never would ever forgive, who falls under the word enemy in my soul...who annoys you so much that you try bipassing them in the FOYER at church. We all have felt it, or feel it now. We all have that someone we can't stand...is there a reason we aren't honest with it?
During Careforce and throughout this study I've been challenged to be honest with my hurt... to go beyond myself and truly serve people who fall under this "can't stand" category. I know it seems harsh, but it's the truth. The people that bug me in the end aren't who get me mad or bitter, it's the fact that I've allowed the hate and unforgiveness to ruin me going further with God. These people we don't like are never around by choice, might I say....but the situation has chosen us. God usually continues to bring these people so He can work out what is self-centered in us because it takes everything in us to love them.
As leaders we can't just help who we want. I mean we could, but how effective for the Kingdom would we actually be?
Remember the whole grace deal? God's been so forgiving of me, His mercies were definitely new EVERY morning. I didn't just experience God and was instantly saved the next minute. What if someone I went to as a leader decided they couldn't handle my ISH (issues)?
Isn't it scary to think that we could be on someone's "hate" list?

PAIGE!!!

2008-06-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

LOOK at my beautiful cousin!!! Paige is on the middle right in the white dress lined in black. She is the first chick in our family to love Jesus and live the God first life at such a young age. She graduated from 8th grade this past month and is on her way to highschool. Pray for her, God's got BIG plans for her!

Joy...What is that?

2008-06-11T04:56:00.001-07:00

In a world that is so deceived, lied to, swayed in the wrong direction, the word joy seems to exist from circumstance. "It's my birthday" that's joyful right? "It's a girl (or boy)!" Joy, happiness..."I got a raise" major joy...but that leads to life that jumps in the front car of a rollercoaster.
I had a hard time sleeping last night. For the past few weeks, I have been totally covered in God's grace as He teaches me self control and leading me into the next level in my walk with Him. After Careforce training, it was like automatically, that grace was lifted. I had stopped being intentional in what I did or said. I was easily upset, emotional, and anxious. I felt completely seperated from God. (Which I had done). I woke up at 3 am and just laid there for a few hours until the alarm went off at 5:45. I knew all I could do was open my Bible. I opened to Philippians where I usually go to to get a swift kick in the pants. Press on, it's a marathon, get going kind of thing...but the Holy Spirit led me to soak in His gentle spirit.
I thought back to that heavy grace He had covered around me. Where did it come from...i thought He soaked us in His grace when we needed a rest or that was part of the blessing...but really for the first time, i realized He gave me so much grace to show me where joy came from.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again:Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. whatever you have learned or recieved or heard from me, or seen in me, put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."
During my time of grace, when everything was so peaceful, and i learned so much just through His joy...the above scripture is what was evident in my life. The key to joy 365 is grateful prayer...i was so happy about anything that came my way, just thankful and all my praise went to Him. God says in this scripture that all peace come from is a spirit of contentment and gratitude. When my spirit is gentle and content, I feel God so near my heart-nothing really matters.
When my heart was focused on the things of God, anxiety left my heart....
If the anxiety tried to sneak in, I would put my focus on my gratefulness to God...not like in the first paragraph on the circumstances, but just on Him. the beginning of the scripture says Rejoice in the Lord always...man just that He's there. When I stray from His thoughts, His focus-that's when I'm seperated...and there is no joy in that...
Thank you Lord for free will. thank you for the choices you give me everyday to either praise you for who you are, or not. It's so much more empowering to know I've made the right choice instead of you making me. Help me to choose this each morning. Help me carry your gentle spirit into each relationship I encounter-so they may know You are near, and too, will rejoice...

HELP

2008-06-04T06:13:00.000-07:00

I'm attempting to give up coffee and start working out more....
Pray for me.

Let's Lift Up The Prayers!

2008-06-03T04:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just an all around great day. School was smooth, my class was so sweet and well behaved. It was a great time to reflect on how much they've grown! My non-speakers now can't stop talking (in English)and my emerging speakers are going the second mile to help the ones around them....Work, needless to say, has been great...
So after work, I wanted to go to the grocery store, plan a week of great meals for my husband (who is trying to eat healthier and save money by not eating out every night). So i walk into Publix and it starts to drizzle...no biggie right? HA! About 40 minutes later, just as I swipe my credit card, a torential downpour hits! It's ok, I brought my umbrella! So i run to my car as all the groceries get soaked and the back of my shorts become damp from the rain sliding off the umbrella (what was the point of the umbrella again?). I throw everything (including my purse with the keys) in the trunk! Thank goodness for that umbrella!
Why am I telling you this? Oh yeah...
So after calling Gary from Publix's phone, I was given some wait time to really think about my surroundings...I never really pondered on "OH why God, how could you let this happen?" sort of thing, but really had a long time of peace to sit outside in the rain and watch His people. This Publix is near my school, so I saw many of my kids walk in with their parents. I saw some people on their phones arguing with someone on the other end of the conversation. I heard someone talking about losing their job...another walk out with a brand new baby.
Good and bad things happen all the time. I know I could have sat there and prayed for their circumstances to change or whatever, but I couldn't get away from the beauty of His people, just them. Everyone of them so different, but all connected. All I could do was thank God for His creation. Just thank Him for the contentment He's given me in all that I am, have and do.
Met up with an old friend later that night. I listened to her story and found out that she's got it pretty bad. Might lose her job, going broke, but still staying strong, telling herself everyday that God's got it. Circumstances, man, she wasn't focused on them.
Last week I posted a song by Jars of Clay called "World's Apart". Each day, I sing the words for God to take my world apart, speak the words I can't deny, serve the ones that I despise...It pierces my heart each time i say them, but I mean it more each day, and I see God working, I see Him using my situation, my blessings, to take me out of my comfort only to see how far I'll stretch.
So, today, I'm not just going to pray necessarily for situations to change for people, but that their eyes stay focused on Him. That we all can rejoice that He's given us opportunities to grow and be stretched in our faith in Him, love for others, and hope that can move those mountains we always read about....to make it real. I saw God respond to Josh and Becca's faith, not their need. Let's continue in that flow.

Spiritual Growth

2008-06-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

Pastor John Siebeling from Life Church Memphis came to visit us at Celebration this weekend. He gave an amazing message on Spiritual Growth. I wanted to share with you all that God spoke to me through Pastor John. It seemed to be perfect timing (like everything). I know I will never stop growing and maturing, but it was a great summary of the past 3 years of my life with God. The myths of what I thought a Christian was, the expectations I thought I needed to attain (when really they were made by man, and finally when I heard God's voice, I learned His expectations for my life), and the simplicity (yet always a battle worth fighting) is takes to follow Him.

This is what really spoke to me:

THE FOUR MYTHS OF SPIRITUAL GROWTH:
1. Spiritual Growth is automatic when you become a Christian. Did you feel this way when you became a new believer? This was hilarious to me....I knew I needed to read the Word and go to church-but man, it wasn't until someone challenged me in my faith did I know I wasn't automatically mature. I was realizing that (like Pastor John had mentioned) I was patient and kind, possessing all the spiritual fruit of the spirit, by MYSELF, but man once someone came into my world-all that maturity and growth had to be put to the test, and I noticed that to truly be MATURE in Christ, i needed to control my natural self....ha
2. Spiritual growth is mystical and is attainable only by a select few.
This one is hilarious to me. When I first got saved, i was like a deer in headlights. I was afriad to pray in a group or ask questions. Other people had so much more knowledge and experience. I knew I wasn't like any of them or on their LEVEL...which kind of set me back for a while. But during that time of staying quiet and watching, i was given the opportunity to observe. I saw people not practice what they always preached. I heard prayers that didn't line up with God's word. I saw seeds of unforgiveness and confusion grow and flourish in people's lives....people who were so ahead of me in their walk with God. I learned that we all are human, all have our own battle, and none of us, Christian for 20 years, or brand new creation are perfect. Christianity isn't equivilant to perfection nor only for the "I've been a Christian forever" type. Beth Moore did a great bible study called "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things". I was given it during my first encounter with one of these type of Christians. It really freed me and allowed me to see myself as imperfect.
3. Spiritual Maturity can occur instantly if you find the right key. Do you hope for a quick route or magic formula to spiritual matruity?
Did you know if you read all the books in the Christian book store and listen to every message on TV, podcast on ITUNES, and complete 6 bible studies a year, it still doesn't always guarantee growth? Did you know there isn't a magical way to grow closer with God? Man I must have spent a fortune on Christian resources. I grew in knowledge, but it didn't necessarily change my heart on certain issues. God had to strip me of doing, doing, doing...and really force me to be still and wait. Strategically, and intentionally I had to choose to make the right choices regardless of feelings, hurt, or being misunderstood. I just had to spend time with Him. Grow past what I thought it meant to be close, and do what God said it took to be close with Him.
4. Spiritual growth is a personal, private matter. Why is connection to other believers so important to spiritual growth? What is likely to happen when we attempt to "go it alone?" What should we be doing as "the Day" approaches?
This was a big thing for me when I got married. I took Gary's discipline as a way to find a reason to seperate us spiritually. I needed to catch up with him, and I wanted to do in alone. Basically, it was just my pride. Things Gary had overcome, such as self control (with my mouth), communication, and patience were things I was struggling with the most. Remember when I said that I was SOOO MATURE BY MYSELF? Yeah, I totally was, until he challenged me...called me out...kept me real. It makes me laugh...I can see how far I've come. But man for a while, he must have really wanted to give up. God used him to show me how persistant God is with me as well. And that leads me to the next revie-
as we mature, we need to bring others along with us. once we over come something, we truly need to display Jesus' character to others who struggle with the same thing. let that person encounter Jesus while they talk with you...just like someone else did for you. my parents who are growing spiritually are always looking at gary and I for help and guidance. we all learn from eachother. we all are in it together. we can't let the myths of spiritual growth stop us from helping others.
anyways, this message was great, i'm sure its on our church website under resources...check it out!

Simplicity

2008-05-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

So, I think I've figured out some things...not for the rest of my life, i'm sure that I'm going to be "figuring out things" for a while....I wrote a list

1. i have everything i'll ever need.
2. God made me just the way He wants me.
3. I'm placed exactly where He wants me.
4. If He wants me to have something He'll give me everything I need to get it or accomplish it.
5. Each day is a gift...each special person in our lives are gifts (even the ones we don't see as gifts)
6. Always put myself after others. (Back to that whole "I have everything I need" deal)
7. To have a successful marriage means long hard hours of allowing God to shed your natural desires and reactions so He can transform you into someone who can help make another's life more than they imagined.
8. Parents learn from their kids too.
9. Someone is always watching.
10. Time with God, knowing Him intimately, and loving His ways are so important, He's the only One who can get you through the toughest of times.
11. The race is a marathon, you want to win wou will fail a few times, you want to make it to the end, you must TRAIN, endure, press on, and fight.
12. Taking responsiblity means more than just saying your sorry.
13. God's ways are simple...I must always see them as simple, never to complicate His word and direction he has for my life.

Home Sweet Home

2008-05-28T05:08:00.000-07:00

I have never felt so humble and unworthy before in my life. I've never really seen my reflection in the mirror so flawed and blemished. God truly doesn't need us, he'll always move on to the next person and hand the blessing on to them....to give them the opportunity to move 'em closer to Him. I've never felt so exhausted to stay in the opportunity-what I mean is, I've never tried so hard to make sure I'm doing it His way, and not my own.
On Thursday night, Gary and I left for Tampa. We asked Daniel, one of gary's installers in jacksonville, to join us. Daniel has worked for Gary for years. gary's begged him to go to church, but Daniel never would show up (for about 3 years)...until about 8 months ago. He's been to church every weekend....Gary saw this as an opportunity for Daniel's servant heart to come out...We wanted to use the long weekend to truly spend quality time with my family and love on Daniel. My mom really wanted Gary to help her remodel her bathroom. Gary saw it as an opportunity to truly grow close with my mom. The crazy thing is-and I see it even more as I type, but the desperation that Jesus has to love my mom. Each moment was an opportunity to wrap His arms around her.
Gary spent weeks rounding up materials and scheduling installers to do this makeover. He found the nicest, highest quality tile for it. It was a lot of stress on his part, and a lot of sacrifice money wise for us. It was awesome that Daniel gave up his whole weekend to help Gary too.
Gary and Daniel were working the WHOLE time. My role was to spend time with my parents. They couldn't handle not being allowed to do anything. They were going crazy. They were out of their comfort zone. Couldn't be too busy to not think about what was happening. They wanted to even up the playing field by buying us this or taking us here. We wouldn't let them. They wanted to do so much for us, but we wouldn't let them. We just asked for time. We just asked for them to visit us. Before they always had an excuse-dad had to work that weekend or mom had a golf tournament.
They couldn't believe all that we had done for them without asking for anything in return (except food!). My dad, mom and I went for a long walk and they just poured out their hearts to me. For years I had always tried to please them, never thinking i was good enough...I turned into a prideful, miserable creature. Mixed emotions on what God wanted for me and what people thought I should do. Never really being confident in anything. On the walk, my dad would not stop talking and thanking us. He said so many humbling things about Gary and how it was God who brought us together-and Gary being my greatest gift. That's all i needed, these words were not my dad's. They were a reminder from God of how blessed I am. I felt like that soldier in the Bible who said he wasn't worthy to have that lowly carpenter in his house...I couldn't help but tear up...all of it has been worth it. The hard times, the trying times, the sad times, the times when I want to quit. that moment made them all worth it.
The end of the year at work is always hard. teachers complain big time, kids misbehave, and the "to do" list is never ending. I want to fall into that. My natural wants to just slip into that mode, but then I think of this weekend. I got to see two servants so after God's heart, so doing it for God-and not my parents. No complaining-nothing. Even the four hour drive in an old moving van with no air conditioning. I saw two grown adults changed forever. Their hearts softened, their worlds invaded by the most high God.
I know this song is old, but it came on yesterday. It fired me up. It made me just want to get dirty and stay after it...It kept me humble. Lord always keep my heart humble and pure.

"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this?
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

In the natural...

2008-05-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

After listening to an Erwin McManus message, I felt led to share it with some of my own feelings...pass the blessing right? It's crazy because I totally needed to hear it at the very moment I pushed "play".

who we are naturally without the Spirit of God is scary. I look in the mirror and on the surface, I'm totally ok, no major bruises, cuts, i don't have a mole on my nose- but there are places within us in our souls that we don't want to look at.
But boy or boy do we find ways to drown out these places. I do. I just have to keep myself occupied which makes me too busy to deal with it...
Maybe you sleep from person to person because the one you truly loved broke your heart. Or, on the opposite end, you shut out everyone, never truly having any deep relationships because of fear....or maybe you crank on the radio in the morning because you don't even want to think about what you said last night to your husband. I'm sure you've sat like a veggie infront of the TV after that fight you had with your parents, just to help you forget the yelling.

We don't like being alone with ourselves. That struck me because it spoke truth to me in such a way. Sometimes i don't like myself. Sometimes, instead of dealing with our ugliness, we drown out the voice that will actually help us deal with things.
It was compared to art.
People rather look at landscapes, something we know and are comfortable with, something spotless...because knowing what it is reveals its beauty...
then you have picasso...

where's the beauty? the pieces just don't fit...confusion, dispair, death, suffering...this was painted during a time of war, after the machine gun was invented and soldiers didn't return home due to the lack of training against this unknown killing machine. People were stunned that this was what war was. Their loved ones were not coming home, and if they did, parts of their bodies were left on the blood soaked battle field. So with all this exposed, all these feelings of the truth being revealed....
Picasso was actually making a statement about inner being of humanity. No more perfect landscape pictures of farm houses, flowers, or kittens.
We're not so good after all. You mean we might have ugliness inside?

Once we stop and consider who we are, it's not so good.
Once we go beyond the surface, what we find is massive despair and suffering.

This painting is actually hanging at the United Nations...

I've seen people of great desperation...starving, injured, broken...but yet there are still people here in the United States that hear about a suicide and say, "HOW COULD THEY DO THAT?" or someon who lost self control and lashed out at another person and saying something so horrible to them "HOW COULD THEY SAY THAT?"

But it's in every one of us.

I was lashed at this week by another teacher. Mocked for my faith, because there was nothing else she could find against me. I wanted to attack her back. And after I walked out, in my heart, I knew "I've been there". I was in the wrong room at the wrong time, and knew it wasn't personal. But my natural, without God, wanted to attack her. My ugliness wanted out.

It caused me to think of my place of desperation...all i could see was a pit with no life and no hope. But until I realized I couldn't do it on my own, that's all I saw, the walls from the pit up around me.

I encourage you, that pit of despiration-it's there so God can bring you out. It's there so God can lift you up so high you can look back and see how far you've come.

When you hear words of hate, actions of violence, thoughts of suicide from another-in a way they're reaching out to you. God's choosing you. Paul promised us we'd get offended, we'd be beat up on...but to always pray for his spirit to guide us so that we may see what God sees in it. Do what God would do in it. Don't judge these people for their hurt. Reach out and help. Remember we're so scary without God's spirit. If we all did exactly what our first reaction was, we wouldn't have any friends. Think of everyone in the world who don't know Him yet. They don't know what it feels like to possess His life. A lot of scary people running around....and to think, we are like that without Him too.....

This truth became so apparent when I went to Africa. I had a hard time loving the natives...the kids, no problem, the adults? There were many times Gary held me at night because i was crying and angry at them for their choices....People are hopeless. Hurting. We need to stop judging them and start helping them. Remember it's all about the heart.

I was so blessed by this message. I think it was from April 18, 2008 if you want to look it up on itunes, for FREE from mosaic church

Head Held High

2008-05-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

They say you learn from your mistakes
Well I guess I should be a genius
For all the times I’ve fallen on my face
Tangled in my weakness
Wishing someone would say
Keep your head held high
Don’t stop believing
You are God’s child
And His strength is stronger than your weakness
Keep your head held high

Well it’s a crying shame
We’re walking around with our secrets
So afraid of what others might think
Living safe and living defeated
Wanting someone to say

We should confess our sin
We should love
Church, it’s time we begin
To build one another up
Come on
Keep your head held high
Don’t stop, don’t stop believing, no
You are God’s child
And His strength is stronger than your weakness
Keep your head held high
Don’t stop, don’t stop believing
You are God’s child
And His strength is stronger than your weakness
Keep your head held high

I've finally had some time to really soak in the series Pastor Stovall has been preaching on. Big John's response to The Jax Film Festival on Christianity's solution to homosexuality also came into play in this realization.
Pastor has been preaching on choices. Life is full of disappointment and hurt, death and misunderstanding...but we must choose to live for His ways. See what He sees, do what He would do....
As I worked out yesterday, the Warren Barfield song came up on my playlist. I realized, "Man, these words sound soooooo good right now". doing the right thing is so much harder than doing what feels good. Not looking things up in the Bible, or reading the word, knowing God may not speak to me is so much harder than just turning on the TV. Being reminded that I'm God's Child, that my weaknesses are not stronger than His strength. That I just have to keep my head up high, and never stop believing.
This season has obviously been tough on a lot of people connected to me, whether it be from our church, family, work, or friends from the past. How much more do I need to be encouraging. How much more should I be on my face for them. I love when Alex in his blog confesses that he prays so much for himself that he needs to change up his prayer style. I do too.
When I go through tough things, I am always praying for encouragement...so knowing so many are hurting or on the edge of giving up, I need to be bringing up some extra prayers!!
So if you are living in fear of defeat, remember you are a child of God...if you are struggling with a sin, God is greater than your weaknesses, if you don't know who you are, all you have to know is that you are God's creation-the most beautiful, magnificant picture to look at, fearfully and wonderfully made! The devil shakes thinkging about God's plan for YOU!!! If you feel hopeless-don't stop believing, remember his promises! It's all worth fighting for!
When someone is trying to go against the natural, they need some more love. I know I do....just knowing someone out there believes in me. Pick someone to believe in extra today-more than you've ever believed in in your life.....even if they've failed...even if it's uncomfortable for you.
"Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been proved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12.

Living FOR the Moments..seeing truth....realizing my purpose

2008-05-16T04:53:00.000-07:00

As I drove to work this morning, i was reflecting on the past few months. I've been putting off reflecting for a while. God's calling me to be something outside my comfort zone...He's calling me to really seek out what He wants for my life. This season has been a lot of struggle, a lot of wonder, and a lot of whining to God (on my part)...God showed me that even though he purposely made this a tough season of testing, I tend to make it tougher than it is....by fighting (still doing what he wants) but fighting it....God demanding one thing, and I choosing to believe it's another....
It's so easy to look back to the beginning and then quickly skip past each day only to focus in on where we are at now. Don't we all want to skip over our bad attitudes or whinny questions we asked God? I find when I do that I easily forget all that God has taught me THROUGH it. he's been showing me to surrender to His will. He's been showing me that when I picked up my cross, i forfeited what I thought He wanted.
Ever since John Bevere came and spoke his messages on Honor's Reward and Driven By Eternity, the words of his messages ring in my ears. All that we ever do, without the full heart set that we're doing it for the expansion of His kingdom, will be taken to Him like wood and straw and burned right then and there. Am I doing what God wants? Or in my case, I did what he wanted but battled him almost all the way through it. that's all I can think about....if i skip past each moment I spent (truthfully) struggling and wanting to give up, I can easily forget that unless I get my heart on straight what I do means nothing.
This whole time I've focused on my job....my gift is teaching. IAnthough, in every prayer, God never calls me Teacher Rachael. That's never how he sets me apart. The past 5 months I've been pushing so hard in my job, working on my character, attitude, and integrity towards my co-workers, boss, and students. But it's never settled, i haven't found a peace. Teaching is my comfort, i enjoy it so much....i love kids, i love learning, and i love growing....it's task oriented, and that's so easy to me. everything is planned, on paper and I know what to expect......even when we thought we were leaving for Africa, I was comfortable because my focus was on teaching.
but my calling isn't to be a teacher first....
One of our friends, Big John, wrote for the title of his recent post "HeMotions". He wasn't referring to the TD Jakes message, but it reminded me of when I first watched it with Gary, and just reading the title reinforced this revelation. If you haven't read the book or seen the DVD, it's about how the devil isn't trying to destroy women, but he's using women to destroy men-because they are the head. "Woman,you need to be like this to be successful" or "Don't let him tell you that, you're right"...it is way deeper than just that-but in every situation, i've felt the testing of that concept. More testing than anything in my job, serving at church, or with friends...
Yes, as a teacher, I can influence SOOO many kids to follow the lord, and I know I will. But what if I could support my husband in the most supernatural way and he brings thousands of people to God who bring thousands more...those people count for me too!God's truly calling me to be a wife. I'm talking about complete opposite of anything the world labels as a wife. The kind of wife that other women whisper about because they don't understand. And if you know me, you realize that this is opposite from anything i've ever known. my mom WASN'T that growing up-i've never seen it before. the kind you read in proverbs, the kind paul urges us to be throughout all his letters. I never want to face God at my judgement and have him tell me that i never fulfilled the role as Gary's wife like He called me to. Could you imagine? He doesn't call us to be lukewarm in anything....
God needs his daughters to know their value, honor their bodies, and learn what true respect is so our men can flurish. I know that when God calls me forward, he's going to say "Wife Rachael-you fulfilled my purpose for you (it was shaking in the beginning) you allowed your husband to flurish in his purpose, you didn't hold him back and he was able to reach people i wanted him to". To me, that is way better than being right, having worldly "success" or trying to figure out what "equal" is between man and woman.
When I first got married i thought being a good wife was my daily checklist of tasks to accomplish. Laundry, dinner, cleaning, etc. Little by little He's showing me what Gary needs. And praise God, Gary is in tune with the Godly roles. He's always holding me accountable and encouraging me by telling me how God sees me as a wife. This has been so hard for me to sink into my role. I want to justify not making the right choices by saying I've never seen a Godly wife, or it's too hard, i'm not good enough...
So anyways, I guess i wanted to share this with you because we all sometimes get confused on what our calling is. It all goes back to the moments we spend with God, and through each season we face. I fought it all season, no God, I'll try harder here, or get more parents involved-but God never allowed it...my focus first needs to be on Him and what He wants-and that's fulfilling my Godly role to Gary. So any suggestions would be great. It's really hard finding a woman like described in Titus. But thank goodness God's given me a lot to work on so far...like my anger (self control), thanks to Lisa Bevere bringing that one out and making me face it! It's funny how much marriage brings out the ugly things we need to face (anger, selfishness, you name it). So I just encourage you to focus on each moment. Live for opportunities to work towards your purpose. We want to have full rewards in heaven!

Teacher, Teacher!

2008-05-13T04:25:00.000-07:00

I gave my heart to Jesus, and I know I can never take it back-I don't want to. I wouldn't even think of it. I tell Jesus daily, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go, just show me how to love you more". I find that when i am completely open to anything he brings, comfortable or uncomfortable, i get this overwhelming feeling of well, not knowing what's next...
As I was reading this morning (praise God i remembered my BIBLE!) i came across the story of the scribe telling Jesus he wanted to follow him. It reminded me of myself telling him each morning these words, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go" His response? HA.... "foxes have holes, and birds or the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head." Almost saying, "dude, you have no idea what you are in for....I don't want lip service, just your WHOLE LIFE AND EVERYTHING THAT TOUCHES IT!"
God categorized the animals, foxes living in holes, birds live in nests, but he didn't have a known spot for himself. Each animal he listed followed the natural, specific and obvious place to do life. God shows me everyday that to be close to him, I can't be predictable, I can't be labeled, I must be different.
To be different, we must recognize our choices. Just like in the scripture, he's giving the scribe an underlined choice...you can just say you follow me, or you can walk the walk....We can do the natural, just like everyone else (including every "Christian") or we can take the narrow road, and do like Jesus. Just saying you are a Christian isn't taking the narrow road....
What if God said to the scribe, "And the Son of Man goes home to his castle on a nice Sealy postropedic mattress"? Everyone would be on board, but God never gives us a specific answer, he always leads us with a choice. "Yes, young scribe follow me, it will be grand! we will heal people, and raise people from the dead, and you will have a nice house to go home to every night". Isn't that what it means to be a Christian?
I'm a teacher, and I could just teach and go home. That's my job: teach academics, grade a few papers, and give out some awards at the end of the year. that would be the easy thing to do. My class could talk back, run all over the school whenever they wanted, and deal with disagreements through violence. Natural right? Someone hurts you, you hurt them back. How easy would it be for me to just sit at my desk and go through the motions? BUT THEN EVERYONE KNOWS I AM A CHRISTIAN...isn't more required of me?
Gary is in construction. Other than displaying good character through his work ethic and how he communicates with people (which he does so well!), the only "ministry" he has is the PPM. PortaPottyMinistry. He writes scriptures of encouragement in all the PPs. The only responses are from people who hate religion. They say it causes hurt, war, genocide, judgement...ouch...it's true isn't it?
I guess my point is, let's not call ourselves Christians unless we can truly be like Christ. I know we all fall short-and we aren't God, but let's really try. People hear "Christian" and cringe. We all gave our hearts, but we can't take them back half way. People really have a horrible idea of what God is. Not because of God, but because of religion. So back to the Word. Can we be like Him? Not caring what lies ahead? Not caring about ourselves-but willing to do whatever it takes? Willing to sacrifice during a hard season for others? To take the idea of what people think Christianity is and give it back to them as if they had Jesus himself infront of their face?
My brother doesn't go to church. When he found out i wanted to serve others in Africa he researched every negative thing about it. He hates church, it doesn't apply to him, and every Christian he's ever met has tried to judge him in one way or another. He believes in Jesus, but church, forget it. How do you reach someone like that by just saying you are a Christian?
Can we be okay if we have nowhere to lay our heads? If it means that we can't live a predictable life? Or just going through the motions? It doesn't matter if we just go to church
And that leads me back to my question for God every morning, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever yo go, HOW CAN I LOVE YOU MORE?"
"Love the lost-speak their language, walk in their shoes, you no longer have an agenda, so don't worry where you will lay your head, you've got Me and that's all that matters"

My Prayer

2008-05-12T04:38:00.000-07:00

I forgot my Bible today. I usually have it in my bookbag to take to school, but today I left it next to my bed. It's funny because the days i bring it, it's usually to leave on top of my desk and I can just look at it, unopened due to the lack of opportunity to read it at work. It's my comfort. My class knows it's my favorite book, and i bet they wonder how slow of a reader I am because it's been at my desk all year....
I've tried to read the word on biblegateway.com but it just wasn't the same. There's just something about actually having it in my hands. I don't even have to say anything to God, just holding it, or looking at it gives me peace.
I wonder how anyone outside of Jesus gets through the day...it's not that if i don't read the Bible i'm a basketcase or anything, but just having that peace that goes beyond my understanding in any situation....maybe the lost are on my heart because for the past 3 weekends Gary and I have been entertaining family who aren't close or even open to God, or just for the mere fact that the Lost are God's number one concern. Today my prayer is that the tiniest of seeds grow in all of God's people, believers and not-yet believers.
This weekend an overwelming sense of compassion came out of my soul for my family. Gary and I were able to connect with them on a level like never before. Gary was with my father and brother all day Saturday on a deep sea fishing charter while I spent the day with my mom and brother's girlfriend. Gary was able to love on them in a special way and God opened many doors for his love to pour through to my mother and Chelsea.
God, I know I never know what you are truly up to, but whatever it is PLEASE let me be apart of it. Please do not allow me to be consumed with my own desires! I don't want to be a salesman, you don't need that, but a living, breathing, Jesus Freak.... please let me be more like you!

Your Movement...

2008-05-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

This past week has been insaine. Shine, let me tell you was awesome! Like I said my mother came in town. This is our 3rd Shine together. We sat down the 1st night and she said to me, "Rae, I see how much I've changed since the first one. I'm open to what God has to say, and I feel a change in my heart". That was the open door for me to decide right then and there that next year I'm definitely serving. My mom has plans for her sisters to come down from Ohio and join her. She said it would be okay with her that I serve-she actually pushed it. I think the greatest gift is when you can truly mean what my mom said there at Shine. Look back and see how much God's changed you from before. It really motivated me to push stronger with God. The messages were incredible, the entertainment was top notch, but man, the Holy Spirit's freedom to reign in that place beat it all. He was moving hearts like never before. All I could do in worship was tear up about how blessed we are to have such incredible leadership at Celebration. Pastor Stovall and Kerri truly hear from God-they only do what He wants....so I see the congregation only doing the same!
Gary and I are completely moved into the town home now. We have the downstairs painted, beds moved in and GROCERIES!!!! We cooked for the family (Lisa, tarik, Shane, Brenda, Yollie, Josh and Kika) on Sunday for the first time in our own place. There is something so special being able to love on family in your own place. That's all Gary and I want to do. Be with family and love on them the way they've loved on us. We can't wait for Brenda and Lisa to have their babies!!!!!
That leads me to what Shine really got me to pray about. I think it was Kerri who asked, "What is your dream?" I thought about it for a few days, and couldn't really come up with an answer. Stressed out about that, I asked Gary what he dream was. For so long it was serving in Africa or on the mission field somewhere. Gary surprisingly couldn't answer either. But God, in all the prayer and questioning, always leads us back to family.....
We attended a Character Awards banquet with Big John and Rachel (Youth pastors for the St John's campus) for St. John's County. Almost every child gave thanks to Jesus. Gary had never witnessed anything like it before. He was sooooo moved by the importance of family and integrity in those kids' lives. Family....
So, I'm still praying about what God's dream is for me, what dream I need to shoot for....What's your dream? What is your movement?

WHIRLWIND

2008-04-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

The past week has been the craziest week ever! We found out we are not going to Africa after all (at least not for a while) and moved into Gary's townhome in Saint Augustine. It's been so awesome decorating and putting our home together. We never really had a chance to do that because we moved in with Gary's sister to help save for the mission field. Because we found out it wasn't going to happen for a while, we packed up and started our new journey. I'm sure that as you have read my blog, you are thinking how Gary and I must have given up on what God spoke to us about the mission field. That's not the case at all. We faithfully believe that God directs our steps sometimes even when the voice is so clear about one thing, only to direct you to another place. Missions are our heart, 100%, but so is our commitment to our local church. We are under such a strong covering of Celebration here in Jacksonville. Our pastors truly care about us and want to lead us to places of growth and a deeper relationship with God. People do one of two things: we wait forever for God to audibly give us a calling and end up doing nothing, or we jump at the first or second thing that comes our way with plenty of ZEAL, but very little wisdom and accountability. We trust God has led us to an amazing church that has a mission field right in Jacksonville. We want to be apart of discipling believers from Celebration, only to see God take over the Southeast part of Florida, soon to be the whole region of the US, to the US, and then spreading all over the world. I think that if we continued on our path to Africa without that covering and blessing from our home, we would find ourselves alone in a lot of ways. (The missionaries never would have allowed us to come there anyways full time without that blessing though-praise GOD for the concept of honor and respect!)
Was it because we weren't ready? We weren't supposed to go anyways? We weren't holy enough? Coated enough in prayer?
HECK NO!
Our prayer was God, place us where there is the greatest need and alligns us with your word....
for now? Jacksonville, Florida
Will Gary always be in construction? Will I always teach? Those are the questions we don't even care for the answer yet. We just love to see what God is doing in our lives. He moves so quickly when we throw up our arms in surrender to what He wants.
So the moving? It's been awesome! My mom is coming in for SHINE tomorrow afternoon and i'm looking forward to some awesome messages from amazing GOD fearing women speakers and performers. Pastor Kerri and her crew always do an amazing job each year. My mom wasn't very open about God or church, but after going to Shine, she's opened up and grown so much-it's awesome to see God heal-even though it's always at His pace!!! Needless to say, i can't wait for tomorrow!!!!

The "ONE PRAYER"

2008-04-24T04:30:00.000-07:00

"I don't understand your ways, but I trust in Your heart and it's okay...it's okay. Jesus, you're all I want, you're all I need, you're everything!!!"-Celebration Worship Team

Last night at service, Pastor planned on taping a sermon called "One Prayer". His ARC buddies were given the opportunity to put a sermon series together to put on global TV for the world to watch this summer. Our church was responsible for the prayer, "LORD, make US disciples". Pastor loves being real and his gifting on the pulpit comes alive when he's allowed to flow. So, he was thrown off knowing he was giving a planned message that was being taped. He gets taped every message, but I believe that the Holy Spirit wanted him to flow and give this message about discipleship from his heart-not his notes. So 5 minutes into it, he just took off. It was incredible to watch him become transformed. I don't even think he knew how impactful he was. That message was straight from God.
I know I'm wrong a lot, and I'm no one to try to make reason with God-but for me, I see our church transforming like Stovall did on stage. We as a body plan our lives, know what's to come, we play it safe. The three things that MAKE a disciple die in our everyday routines. The Holy Spirit knew that a word about discipleship couldn't be tamed. It would have been a dead word-but it came alive using our pastor. So like Stovall transformed, I know our church is as well. We are going to throw off the dead stinking natural flesh (the things that God doesn't care about) and start functioning in the desires of our Lord.
How ironic that the heading of the night's scripture in my Bible is titled, "The Transfiguration" and "Peter's CONFESSION to Christ" some Bibles say, "Take up your cross".
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save is life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it...." Luke 9:23-29
Right after the confession, comes the transfiguration. I love it.
Desire, Deny, and Drive.
Christianity is like a video game. YES THERE ARE LEVELS! I know that's a surprise. We have to accept that. God never wants us to stay on level one. He wants us to master the game! It's all about outlasting the enemy. Some levels are easier than others, some are more of a challenge and you need to find the passwords or keys to unlocking the next level, or secret door that leads to peace and rest. But it's not waiting on God all the time, or relying on Him to change you! We need to take upon ourselves to fight! There is too much at stake...our children, our spouses, our friends, our families.....we must have an eternal perspective that like James says, "our life is but a vapor".
When times get tough, we cannot let our circumstances guide us, our pain define us, anxiety choke us. When Paul says to endure, he isn't saying we endure what we like! It's what we can't stand!
When I'm in a trial, i have asked God, "BUT HOW!!!? You have to do it God. YOU" and he says, "I'm here, that's all you need, if you trust me that I've already won, then you have everything you need to fight...but you need to fight."
Don't just go to church for FEEDING, don't depend on your pastor or friends, don't suck life from them and take it away from people who are just starting to walk with God. BE A SELF-FEEDER.
DENY-not just sin, but YOURSELF through stewardship of your time, treasures, and talent (SERVE)!!! and through relationships, putting God and others before yourself..
DESIRE-must be more than willing, it's a GOD BIRTHED passion to pursue! Affection based, not duty based! Go from being just willing to pursuit!
DRIVE-"I'm not going to quit! I'm not going to give up." what drives you to deny and turns into what HE DESIRES!!!

There's a lot at stake if we DON'T desire, deny, and drive...

So, Pastor might have thought that his message was messed up because of the "shift" in style from planned to INSANELY God driven-but it really spoke to me...I'm ready to do what it takes to get to that next level with God....to transform

Oh, the Irony of the fortune cookie!

2008-04-23T04:59:00.000-07:00

Chinese take-out is Gary and my last resort to dinner. When we get busy with missions stuff, running around, or last minute plans, Chinese is what we always seem to get. Luckily, WOK ans ROLL has a dieter's menu, Gary doesn't have to worry about adding lbs, but I was blessed with Salzer hips and a Yockey butt-so needless to say, I don't have the option of getting the Orange Chicken meal deal. Ok, total tangent there, so back to the title.....
Gary and i have been waiting and seeking God (I want to say patiently, but we're still growing in that area) for what He wants us to do for Him. Africa? We're open to it....Florida? We're open to it. We've been saving and living with Lisa, his sister (and are sooooo thankful for it) but it's like, are we staying or going? If we are staying, Lord let us know so we can make changes....Lord if we are going, let us know so we can make changes....right now, we aren't moving....but either way, we know that he wants to use us to grow His people. But right now, we're in the middle. The most uncomfortable place imaginable. We serve in church, every service, and even when we aren't planning on serving, we choose to help. But we've gotten to the point where that's not enough. During our "Furnace Weekend" at church, it was put on our hearts that we want more. Not like the typical wanting to be used, but the kind that bring tears to your eyes and cause you to cry out to Him. "LORD HERE I AM!!!"
So, we got Chinese food for dinner. The best part about Chinese is the fortune cookie, right? Usually they are silly, and I like to look at how to say things in Chinese...but this time-let's just say, "hmmm how ironic"
"Your career is moving more and more towards service to others" was Gary's and mine was "A new environment makes all the difference in the world"....
Can God use a fortune cookie? He used a donkey! Ahh, who knows? But isn't it ironic?

Hard to Reach Places

2008-04-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

Before I open with some scripture, please keep Gary in your prayers. We just discovered he's got Tick-bite fever. He had a tick on him in Africa from when we climbed some mountains. We thought that was the only one, but apparently he had another we didn't see. Well, it got really infected and has been (thankfully only) diagnosed as Tick-bite fever. He's been extremely exhausted, achey bones, and sick-to-his-stomach. Doc's got him on some antibiotics, so he should be ok in 14 days, but in the mean time, we're hoping he's relieved of it sooner!____________________________________________________________________

"Let us throw off everything that entangles us, all the sin that so easily hinders and let us run with perseverance, the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith. Consider Jesus, who endured all sin, so you will not grow weary and lose heart. If you struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
1. Do not lose heart when He rebukes you.
2. He disciplines those He loves, and punishes those he accepts as daughters.
3. Endure hardship as discipline, no discipline is pleasant, but painful.
LATER IT WILL PRODUCE A HARVEST OF RIGHTEOUSNESS AND PEACE FOR THOSE WHO ARE TRAINED BY IT." Hebrews 12

I know i keep coming back to this. This has been my season. All i do when I go into a quiet time, or just need some peace, i just read this scripture. What God's showing me is that this is a time of sowing. I have to lay down my cross every day...I don't need to ask Jesus to lighten my load, i just have to lay it down and trust that he isn't giving me more than I can handle.
Things I'm learning:
1.I am not perfect-I can't do it all on my own (how cliche?)
2.Sin of all kinds will be present in my life, I have to choose to overcome it.
3.God is perfect and when i'm not looking at myself in the situation, and looking at him, i'm opening the door for Him to work.
4. This is not a sprint, it's a marathon, and I need to humble myself in order to hear TRUTH.

Every situation, every experience I have a choice. I can choose to blame Satan and never see what I can do or I can accept the fact that Satan is powerless and all he has authority to do is throw out stumbling blocks to test me. Sin can be mastered. My junk comes out daily. I come from a family that I like to call "surface cleaners". We clean around the area, never really getting underneath. So if you take two families, they both clean their house in the same amount of time, each on the same days, but one that deep clean and one that just surface cleans, leaving coffee drips, or particles of sugar or toast crumbs under the toaster, months could go by and you wouldn't see a difference, but later on, one house gets a certain smell (the surface cleaners) to it, while the other still has that clean smell (the deep cleaners). So, in this process to deep clean my CONTEXT (see post below), or my life, walk with God, view on the world-different stains are surfacing. I am noticing a food splat on the wall (in the pantry behind the trash)and now trying the best i can to clean it up.
Growing up, we didn't really deal with things. If there was an arguement (and I was at fault), my attitude (which was always bad, never taking responsibility)wasn't handled. There is some junk in my "house" that i never saw, until God brought out his white glove and started doing a dust check.
I always have to accept the stain, and pray that together, I can clean it up as best we can, and let God handle me. How do I do that? ENDURE. DO things for God, especially, getting in the word when I don't want to, or stopping a bad attitude before I let it start...Does God promise I'll be freed from that if i choose to do the right thing once? NO. TWICE? NO. It's a daily thing.
Growing is hard. Hense the name growing pains. My goal, my vision is that when bad things happen or i sense anger sprouting, i want to tell God, God, i'm going to do this without praying and begging for you to help...just knowing he's with me will be enough. When I give in and tear up, when it's over, i'm like, "man, that wasn't that bad, i didn't have to call on God for that"...most of the time, i've realized that God let's me seperate myself from him when I over react or get out of control in my thoughts. Jesus endured all my sin so I would not grow weary and lose heart, not to be seperate from him, when he distances himself, i lose heart quickly. I'm planting seeds-and I need to endure to make it to the harvest He brings...Reaping that harvest is something I can't wait for!!!! My attitude, life, marriage, and friendships will all change for the better...
BRING ON THE DEEP CLEANING GOD!

YOu sURe it's Not DEep EnoUGh?

2008-04-15T04:53:00.000-07:00

this morning on the way to work, I was listening to the Staff's teaching last week by Pastor Paul Scanlon. If you could tell by my post last week, that I truly respect this man. At first, I thought it was his style (based on his English culture that things are BLACK and WHITE-no gray) but the more I listen to his teachings, I truly love the Jesus that comes from his words. When I meet someone, I sense the Jesus in them or I don't. Some people have the loving, merciful, grace-giving Jesus, some people have the righteous angered driven Jesus, and some have the honest, straight from the text, everything taken literally jesus. Gary is very literal when it comes to the Bible. For example, in Genesis, it says there was no death in the garden, some theologists claim that all animals, Adam and Eve were vegetarians. No killing right? Well Gary looks at it like, there was no killing. I tend to be a theory based learner and he is a logical learner. This is why i think i like hearing Paul Scanlon-he's very logical....something that is not very common in the "Christian" world (with the exception of some older writers such as Oswald). When you are logical you have to take out the emotions and feelings. Sometimes that is hard for people like me to take-but being around the logical thinkers grows me greatly!
He talked about this morning about the soul purpose of having a church-reaching the lost. again, being outward focused. As i listened to it, I resorted back to Alex's Blog on being missions minded, even in our everyday life. Paul said he often speaks to congregations about this topic and their responses are, "is that it? nothing deeper?" and I would have to disagree with them, i really started chewing on it, i realized, "man i could do so much more".
Well, before I go into what we can do, I want to share with you what he said in his message about the lost, hurting, and unchurched.
Why are people insecure, antimidated, or even too competitive? It's not because they were born that way. It's because of the context of where they grow. If you live in a house where winning or recieving praise is a result of your own doing then you will be more competitive. If you where questioned your whole life on why you did this while being made fun of for what you did without anyone really showing you your worth, you will tend to be more insecure. Their GROWING was not in that loving, truthful, life-giving context. These are the people that are church shopping. These are the people that leave when their heart's needs are not being met. That needs to be our number one drive when it comes to our everyday life. I think sometimes we forget what it is like to truly be in the world. I really have to think about it- and it's only been 3 1/2 years since i was fully in the world. People are not so loving, there isn't that spiritual covering we have when we are plugged into a life group at church. The unchurched see the world so differently. They see their needs not being met, and someone trying to bring them Jesus in an irrevelant way. You're kid's on drugs? I'll pray for you tonight. WHAT!!! If they don't know you care for them, their need is not being met. That person is not asking for a magic trick, she's asking for love, time, and understanding.
The lost need to GROW in the context of Jesus. We as believers need to be willing and open to always learning. How do we learn? We take chances-let me give you an example....
I've been lazy, basically proving the law of inertia... I haven't made lunches until the last minute, no coffee in the morning, and struggling to do anything besides lay in bed after work. Coming back from Africa has been real hard to get into the swing of America. We have a three day fast this weekend (Friday-Sunday) and I know God wants be to grow even more self-controlled (i'm praying i break my coffee addiction... :) So, i'm driving to work-talking myself out of the fact that I will have a HUGE headache by 10:30 if I don't drink some java....so i lost that battle and stop at the gas station. While I'm paying for the coffee, the clerk is talking about these symptoms she has, dizzy spells, no balance, headaches...and she went to the doctor yesterday in hopes of some meds...her co-worker asked if she "got any drugs for it yet?" My spirit told me to pray for her, invite her to the prayer night friday at church, but i just grabbed my ADDICTION and left...if i was on a mission trip, I would have asked. if i was on a mission trip, I would have asked to pray for her right there. and i didn't.
she was unaware of the God I serve that heals, restores, and completes....
she might have been hurt in the church, thinking it was God hurting her.....
she could have been an attender at another church that didn't tell her this truth...
regardless-my lack of self-control for coffee could have led to something good...
and then i heard...
this fast isn't about you. that doesn't mean pray for the lost. or even pray for that woman.... it means i'm going to turn (what you think are) shortcomings and bring them for good FOR OTHERS....
anyways, needless to say i was totally humbled. being others focused...sounds pretty deep for me!

Brother Tran, hardcore everyday missionary

2008-04-14T09:24:00.001-07:00

Good heart check by ALEX

Reach

2008-04-11T06:19:00.000-07:00

Two close friends of ours had a baby girl in February. We were all so excited for them because they had been having trouble before getting pregnant again. They make amazing babies by the way...their son Ayden is the koolest kid I've ever met. Josh and Becca have been more than a blessing to Gary and I. Their hearts are so after God, and their faith is what i look at when I start focusing on myself. Their daughter has been in the hospital since she was born. Every test, tube, and doctor has looked at her. Each diagnosis is another battle for their family. every question has been asked, and still there hasn't been a direct answer of reassurance. When I looked at her slide show of pictures, tears formed in my eyes. Becca and Josh have such peace. God has a TON of characteristics he likes to show up in people, and for the Turners He loves to bring miracles! God is up to something, something bigger than us and our worldly understanding. The Turner's have helped me realize something so simple about God.
WE HAVE TO REACH FOR HIM. WE HAVE TO SEEK HIM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS EVERYDAY! We can't waste time on looking at what we aren't, or questioning our circumstances. We have to be so confident in our relationship with Jesus, that NOTHING can shake us. Not death, nor sickness, NOTHING. Becca and Josh have really displayed this faith in Jesus to me. Riley, God's got you. Muscular dystrophy is nothing he can't dissolve. If you need a good heart check, read their blog....it's an incredible testimony of faith.

Reach-Warren Barfield

Beautiful Love, You have changed my world
It's so much better now
I don't know what You see in me
But I'm glad that You found

Something
Worth loving oh

I reach for You
I reach for You
I reach for You
You reach for me, too

You reach for me, too
You reach me

You are more than I can take
So all of You I receive
I cannot go to where You are
So You take me

Beyond these
Dreams I dream

I can't live without You
I don't wanna be without You
No I can't live without You
I am never without You

Godly Wisdom and Spiritual Maturity

2008-04-10T05:04:00.000-07:00

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to full you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light" Colossians 1:9-12

Whether you've been raised in a God-first home or got saved 5 minutes ago, if you know Jesus and have seen his miracles in your life or in others, this scripture always comes up when I am asking myself this question: Why am I doing this? Why do I want to do this?

Paul was continuously praying for godly wisdom, eyes to see and spiritual maturity for the people he came in contact with. If we can't see outside of OUR desires, then we are decieving ourselves. Let me open up a little....

I love missions. I love serving people. I love getting out of my comfort and allowing God to use me as an empty vessle. When the opportunity came for Gary to take on leadership in the missions department, naturally he wanted me to help him. I was so excited!! But in the whole process I did what I thought i needed to do and honestly never really listened to what God wanted me to do. Everytime it came for Gary and I to work together on a project for the team, we butted heads, got offended and ended up in a long talk about what our deal was with eachother. I remember saying everytime it happened, "God, you put missions on both our hearts-why can't we work together". I see so many couples doing things seperate in ministry, successful yes, but seperate. They tried it together, didn't work or was too hard, and then found "their own callings". "What God has placed together, let not man seperate". I didn't understand that scripture fully until Gary and I went through this....

I had to ask God where HE wanted me in all of this, and I had to be willing to do whatever it takes to honor Him and Gary in the process. If God was to call me to sit and be quiet, i mean not a word in it all, I had to be willing to accept that. (Now, I know God, and I know Gary and after a lot of prayer, they both didn't want me to just sit there).

"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father"

God you've given me gifts. You've given me a husband. You've given me the ability to do anything when You are with me. What do you want from me? How do you want me to use my gifts to glorify you? The world (even the Christian world) I see women doing their own thing....some with kids and some without-doing their own thing, yes in their gifting, but maybe on their own time, i don't know, but i see their husbands and they looked like Gary did when I would do waht I thought i needed to do....exhausted, worn out, in desperate need of solitude. God doesn't want that for our husbands. They have so much pressure and responsibility (the ones who have answered and accepted that calling from God) and we women add to that weight when we aren't seeking God or our husbands on what we need to do for them.
Satan is going to allow you to justify why doing this or that for the ministry is ok, he's going to try and blind you into truly seeking what you and your family needs by what YOU can do for the ministry or others through your own strength.

We stayed with two amazing people at Children's Cup. Ben and Susan opened their house for Gary and I to stay with them. Ben had the pressure of the world on his shoulders feeding some of his missionaries milk, still leading them in the pliminary steps of truly serving God. All he needed to come home to was a house of chaos or Susan down his throat about how she wasn't doing this, and God told her this, or the kids did this, or no dinner, and the house a wreck. Susan has accepted one of the most honorable positions at Children's Cup. She needs to provide a safe place for Ben to come home to. She has asked God what His needs are for Ben and how her gifting fits into that. This woman was born on the mission field and I am sure could have taught Ben a few things at first-but she didn't over step that in her own power. I know without a shadow of a doubt that she asked God and saught what he wanted for her.

The house was a complete place of rest and feeding for her husband. She is doing more for CHildren's Cup than an outsider could see, or someone without those Godly eyes. Instead of breaking Ben she's making him, patching up his wounds, nurshing him, letting him come home to a complete place of rest. She takes the time to explain to her kids why they do the things they do. She ignores schedule, time, and our American need to hurry everything. Her husband and her kids are number one and she doesn't just say it, she shows it. His kids are amazing, crazy lovers of God, who fear and respect Him and their parents.

So I ask you God, show me what you want from me. Show me how I can use my gifts. YOu've placed me in a school, I know I can teach. I know I can nurture. Show me how I can help make the missions ministry better than it is now the way YOU want me to.

If you have desires for something, I encourage you to really ask God what He wants you to do. You are in a covenant with God first, and His word says you must honor your husband or the leader in your life. This life as harsh as it sounds is not about what YOU can do. It's about what HE can do. Pray for accountability, pray for His word to teach you so you can see. I say this a lot, but my favorite quote by TD JAKES is "Satan isn't after you women, but he's after your husbands, your sons, your brothers" (He-Motions).

God wasn't asking me to take on Gary's responsibilties. He wasn't asking me to start up my own thing because Gary was asked to step up. He was asking me to trust Gary that he was hearing from God, that he knew all God wanted for US, and I needed to meet Gary's needs while functioning in my gift....teaching. My job, my kids....they have no parents-I'm raising them. They get Jesus when I'm focused on how I need to teach them. When I get home at night, they are on my mind. When you are functioning in your gifts He's given you-you feel the peace, love and JOY. God wants you to be happy-but you can't bring your own happiness, it's god to come from Him.

Post Get-Together

2008-04-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

When teams go on trips, there is a lot of emphasis on pretrip meetings, prayer, etc. Through my experience on short term trips, I've learned that the post team meetings are the most important. Last night we went to D.O's house and just poured out into each other. Feelings were expressed, how we were coping was shared, and encouragement was given. Pastor Kerri taught Gary and I that 10 days on the mission field is the equivilent of 2 years in a small group (speaking of spiritual growth). Mission trips are the best way to disciple a believer. What I learned last night is that God moved so much because each and every one of us were outside our comfort. Each team member that shared (and mind you that this team was all our church interns, kids already fired up for God, serving Him everyday as an unpaid church staff member) expressed that they were doing everything they could to stay close to Jesus. Reading the Bible outside in nature, writing worship songs for the kids, journalling, even losing sleep and using that time wisely. There were some people on the team that couldn't really do anything but cry they were changed so much.
These experiences are completely normal after a trip-it's called a "trip high". My prayers for all of us now are to keep it going. turn it into our normal day, build the yearning for the lord so strong that we can't function without knowing he's in everything we do. We all shoveled dirt at the carepoints with joy, can we clean a toliet at church with that much joy if we were asked? I've just been writing and praying about how i can turn these experiences into practicality in the US without getting preachy and wasting my time getting offended at people's attitudes and lack of thanksgiving in this country. Satan uses that to take away from what God did on the trip, and i most definitely don't want that!
1. I always want to be others focused. Can i sacrifice my schedule, my desires, my needs for what others need? Can i give my blessings immediately to others?
2. I always want to glow with Jesus' love. People at work said i came back glowing (even though i didn't feel glowy, i was kinda sad i had to come back to work, i wanted to be on the mission field still). That glow was the left over jesus on my face from Africa. I want to keep the glow, always see the positive and be willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of others.
3. i want to be relevant to people about my trip. i don't want to be over-spiritual, just have normal conversation about the trip, the kids, the need. i want to encourage people to step out of their comfort here to help extend the arms of Jesus to foreign places...if not to help the people of africa, but to help the missionaries there who've given their lives of comfort in the US to live uncomfortable there.
4. I want to keep His fruit of the spirit:self control in everything I do. God says just a hint of something i want to jump to it, not question it. "read Job" not, "what? i wanted to read titus or hebrews" but "ok god, done." "write so and so an email" i'm tired, i'll do it later....no, "ok god, done". pray for so and so, DONE!!!!
God is full of mercy and grace, but he also demands discipline and truth in our walk with him. I learned that people are watching, reading, analyzing, learning from me at all times, even when i don't think they are. We all need to be on our top jesus game every second until it's really in our DNA. It is hard at first, and some days are tested more than others-but it's what he calls us to do. If we aren't like that, we are of no use to Him.

So the pic is of the Zimbabwe interns and Pastor Dixon who churches our plant for Celebration Oasis of Life in Zimbabwe and our interns and some of the missionaries there in Swaziland. We all hiked to the top of Executioner's Rock on one of the last days we were there. Gary is not pictured because he stayed behind with on of the interns who sprained her ankle when no one else would. Every inconvineince is an opportunity!!! I love him so much.

Spiritually Obese

2008-04-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

In Africa, I couldn't even think about myself. Others were on my mind at all times, whether it was a small child, single mom, teammate or missionary leader. I had very little time to sit down and read the word, listen to praise and worship, or rest. The day i returned my flesh must have been ready to return from vacation or something, because all of a sudden i was starting focusing on myself and what i needed. my emotions were out of wack, and all i could think of was i needed time, i needed to be alone, i didn't want to talk to anyone. i didn't want to serve at church, i just wanted to make sure i could get fed in the way i thought i needed (by sleeping in on Sunday and showing up for church to HEAR the message). Good thing i have a selfless husband to keep me in check. He didn't let us do that. As tired as he was too, as drained and emotionally unstable he was, he refused to let us just show up for church. of course i was angry and thought he was being too hardcore, but i followed and did as he said.
the second we walk in to serve in our specific ministries (usher for gary, and guest services for me) he gets a phone call. his boss wanted to come to church! gary has waited 3 years for this man to show up. we couldn't believe it.
we told our leaders we would be sitting in the message and wouldn't be there to serve....ironic...but that's the difference between me making sure i get what i need and God making sure....
we had a guest speaker, Pastor Paul Scanlon from the UK. Mind you, the UK has only 2% OF CHURCHED PEOPLE. That means there is 98% of people who are athiest or refuse to go to church. He spoke on how IRRELEVANT our church is...not Jesus, but the church. Half of the things churches get caught up into don't matter to Jesus. Anyways, i want to encourage you to listen to his message on our church website (www.celebration.org and go to messages for 4.6.08) We are irrelevant because we are only worried about our blessing instead of using our blessings to bless others. We are so spiritually obese that we are literally staving others around us. We go to them with our RELIGIOUS lingo and they are like, "WHAT? HOW DOES prophesy or tongues help me!!? I am a single mom with a kid on drugs!!!" so we don't reach them and they continue to struggle without support. He said when he brought this concern to his church (of 600, which is huge for the UK, it's a mega church basically) people were up in arms. they liked their traditions and "clicks". some of the main prayer warriors for praying for the lost, were the ones who refused to go out to the street corners and talk to prostitutes or homeless or hurting. IRONIC.
so praise god, after the message Gary's boss and his wife went right to orientation and became members. we went out to lunch and discussed "religion" vs. "relationship" for about 2 hours.
i'm going to close with this comment by Pastor Scanlon....
"Prayer is just an excuse "Christians" use when they are too lazy to go out and do anything" i love England's culture, very black and white.
How spiritually obese are you?

I want to remain.....

2008-04-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

I wish I could tell you that because I went to Africa and stepped out of my little life in the states that the orphans of Swaziland's cries have seized. They still cry...every day.... I wish I could tell you that because I went to Africa the AIDS cases in Swaziland (which are the highest in the WORLD) reduced. They are still the highest. I wish I could tell you that I am satisfied with coming back to America...I'm not. The cries are louder. The lack of knowledge is greater. The hopelessness is more apparent. How can there be so many Christians in the world and we still have so much hurt? So much need? Gary and I started our journey home on Wednesday morning at about 4:30 am. We didn't get back to Florida until 2 am on Friday morning. I thought that my emotions were out of wack due to the lack of sleep, airplane food, and the need to get out of dirty clothes. I have been crying at the most random times. I thought it was because I knew most definitely now that Gary and I are called to leave. Forever? Not even thinking that far ahead...but for a while, for a trial, for a season, yes. We are called to Africa. After really praying and thinking about why I was so emotional, I realized that I left a place where the people I "did life with" for a short two weeks, were some people that I know deep in my heart care for me and would do anything for me. And I started crying because I know that i would do that for them. I would do anything for them. I realized that their need for God was so strong. Just being around them, talking and serving with them-I tear up because I yearn to do life with people like them. Gary and I felt like culturally we never left the U.S. The transition was smoother than any other trip we had ever been on. Did i miss the fact that I couldn't call my family whenever I wanted? YES. But when I weigh my wants and THEIR NEEDS, I would be sinning if I chose my wants. "You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm. to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, because they could not bear what was commanded..... But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the furstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the meditator of the new covenant, and to the sprinkled blodd that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel. See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks...."Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens".The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken-that is, created things-so that what cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore since we are recieving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire". Hebrews 12-ish So once again, I ask you why are we still here? Why are we not all big balls of passion screaming out to help our neighbors? There are people in the world that are chained to lies and hopelessness who can't even accept THIS UNSHAKEABLE LOVE HE WANTS US ALL TO HAVE. THIS GOD WHO WILL REMAIN FOREVER! THIS KINGDOM THAT IS OPEN TO ALL WHO CHOSE HIS WAYS! Africa, China, you name it, they need us. God needs us to spread his good news. Not just for a Sunday morning, but in the way we live our lives! I wasn't trying to make this post all about getting people to do missions, because, like i said above, a short term trip won't save a nation. My heart just wants to make us all aware that people are giving up their desires and comforts to help the helpless. It's not like our homeless here in this nation-these are kids who's parents' generation has died off from AIDS. KIDS. 5 month old babies strapped to their 6 year old sister with a 2 year old in her free hand. It's real. It's so real. I now can tell you that Africa will change....these kids, these orphans are learning the love of Jesus. I can tell you that I am changed...each day there, I learned that the less I try to do, the more HE does. I can tell you that God is honoring those who step out in faith. Those who stand together and believe that there is more to this life than just living-there is an Eternal kingdom, and they will be sitting so close to their Maker. I can tell you that that 6 year old who takes care of her little 5 month old sister and 2 year old brother...she gets to be a kid when she steps into the gates of the Carepoint. Someone is there to relieve her arms of her siblings so she can swing, run, and play for a while. I'm not sad because of all the kids, I know that what children's cup is doing, walking hand in hand with God, these kids' lives will be changed....I'm sad that I can't help them more right now. I'm sad that I couldn't stay and encourage them, to be fresh on the mission field and remind them that they are there because they obeyed God...period. I'm sad because i want to take you all with me to see it for yourself. It wasn't a vacation or a travel experience. It wasn't to get another stamp in my passport. I want to remain with God's best. I want to leave a legacy. I want my kids at 7 years old to know the calling God has on their life like some of the missionary's children I met. I want to be so close to God, nothing can shake me off.

Prayer List

2008-03-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

I have always thought that making a specific prayer list from time to time is a good idea for anyone who is believing God for big things. After the church fast in January, God has truly opened our hearts to all the possibilities He could use us for in missions. At first, we were set on AFRICA-we wanted to be missionaries there forever. People are always asking us when and how long-but it wasn't until recently did we get the revelation that Africa long term was our desire for our lives. His desire for us, God, is to help our HOME, CELEBRATION, bring as many lost, hurting, and orphaned to know Him. If that means Africa long term, that means Africa long term. If that means Africa in 20 years, then so be it. If that means never Africa-again, we're down with it! Whatever that means, Gary and I are in complete submission.
Last night we met with Pastor Branker from our church. We were so blessed by the converstation and I want to share with you an illustration he painted for us. Abraham-first God asked him to leave his land-in other words, leave the past, forget what he held on to so tight. then God asked him to sacrifice Issac-leave the future and everything it meant up to Him. God wants us all to do the same. Forget what has happened, what you have done for the kingdom, what you think should result from your efforts and also what you think the future will hold. God is going to do whatever for His sake anyways. It was just so powerful to me. Hearing that, knowing that missions are so heavy on my heart...on Gary's...before we decided to get serious and date, that was the major thing we both had to seek God in-WERE WE WILLING TO BE POOR, LIVE ANYWHERE, and DISCONNECT OURSELVES FROM THE LIFE WE HAD HERE IN THE US?
Duh, that was an easy one.
But, truly, Africa, missions, where ever the future may lead us, I pray that God's holding our hand through it all. We want to be right behind Him. We want to be walking in his footprints.
We leave on Monday. I'm hoping to be able to blog over there. I would love to share with you what God is doing as we spend 2 weeks with the most amazing organization planted in Africa. Pray for us. Here's out list.
-Our flights and bus ride to Swaziland are safe and on time going there and back
-The team is led strongly though the leaders
-The connection between the on-site missionaries and the short term missionaries is stronger than any other team sent there.
-We see God in every hand shake, hug, smile, and word.
-God builds up the churches being planted in Swaziland and Zimbabwe
-Ben Rogers is given Godly wisdom and leadership to take on the pastoral side of the new church
-Gary and I are led to know steps to take next in our journey with missions
-Pastor Dixon from the Zimbabwe church plant (Oasis of Life) keeps filling up churches (he's on his second one!)
-All of you here at home grow in your relationship with your loved ones and our God in a mighty way.
-We all can truly let go of our past and our futures to the LORD!

thanks for reading-We hope to be able to share with you! I want to be able to do video!!!

New Blog Direction

2008-03-17T06:25:00.000-07:00

A few months back I wrote about listening+obeying+doing=his supernatural blessings. God's showed me, as much as my pride doesn't want to admit, that He really needs me to grow up spiritually. What i mean is, His supernatural blessings will not be given in His fullness unless I do things His way.
As you all know, I'm married to the most amazing "little Christ" ever (hands down!) I did not find him, I did not choose him, and honestly at first i resisted him. I like to look at it the way people resisted Paul and what he was about. Or even how John the Baptist doubted Jesus as he sat in jail-"is he really for real?" My closest friend can tell you, when I first met him, I couldn't stop talking about him to her, he intrigued but wanted my distance, because he would shed too much light on my little Christian life i made for myself.
Gary is very unique. Set apart even. And please don't think I'm boasting or writing this with warm fuzzies dancing all around me. It's not like that. Like I said, I didn't pick him. Eventually God couldn't get him off my mind-this goes way past puppy love. The hardest part about understanding Gary is that he just tells you how it is...not in his opinion, but from the Word. He comes across judgemental, but it's not judging, it's truth, and people take it judgementally because God's convicting him. I also say it's not judgemental, #1, because he loves people unconditionally, it doesn't come from him, it is all an overflow of God's love. And #2 because he won't open his mouth unless he's asked. He challenges people to grow closer with God to the breaking point. And over the past 2 years, I've learned that we all need that. God doesn't want us half in and half out. It's a black and white world-we either stand for all or nothing. He doesn't even read anyother books on Christian Living-just the Word. He'll watch TD Jakes or Joyce Meyer, and Ewrin McManus, but even then, he's very careful of what he lets come into his mind. "Everything had potential to hinder you or sway you into justifying except the Word of God". I was a LifeWay Christian frequent shopper, and I agrued with that for a long time....but i was finding that it was true. I always had to go back to the word to bring me into Jesus' upside down thinking again. And Christian books aren't bad by any means...Gary's just cautious. Everything for the kingdom should be done with excellence or it shouldn't be done. Gary takes correction better than anyone I've ever met. He is always asking, pleading with me to be honest with him. Pleading in his prayers that people will come into his life to help him grow closer to God. At first i took it as, ok, he wants me to watch his every move, he needs a critic for a wife. but quickly, well i say that because for me to learn something in 6 months is quick--ha ha. but i've learned that he has been trying to open me up to things past the surface...especially my relationship with God. God calls us to something deep with him. I thought i was just supposed to cast my burdens on Him, but that's not what it's about, but that's just the surface. So many come to God, get on fire, and then what? The next step? The second mile? THAT is too hard! I'll stay in my nice little comfort zone.
People resist Gary sometimes, and i'll be the first to resist...Gary comes to me sometimes so upset and hurting after someone asks him for advice. He doesn't understand why they asked if they didn't want the truth. I'm telling you, I want to make every excuse to him why he should just stop saying anything-but God won't let me. At first i would say (stupidly) "honey you are just too tough on them" and God stopped me right in my tracks. SOMEONE IS FINALLY SPEAKING TRUTH INTO THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES WHY ARE YOU STOPPING THAT!!! "BEHIND ME SATAN" is what i hear like in the story of Jesus and Peter. and this is where I wanted to connect it with supernatural blessings. Because of Gary's understanding and deep relationship with God, he walks in the supernatural blessing.
I have wanted to blog about this for a long time, but just have been to proud or too blind to be able to put it in honest words. And, obviously i thought i had to master something before i shared it with the world...and we all know that isn't true.
As a daughter of the Most High, Father of All, i come to all of you humbly and ask you to check your hearts with me. Can we do this for the body of Christ.. Can we partake in the Great Commission without it having anything to do with us? Without worrying or wondering or trying to figure out anything? Can we be sent to the worst of the worst places (this may even be in our own homes) knowing that if people were healed or lives were restored, or even a soul saved that it truly had nothing to do with us?
The hardest part for me is getting past that i'm right or i know a way to fix things or that i'm past an obsticle...i've had the hardest time taking the "I" out of the whole cause.
Can I step into my church or into even Starbucks for a girl-to girl chit-chat, and honestly tell myself that God could take it all away from me at any time and that i don't diserve to be there?
Women, there aren't enough of us walking humbly enough to know that we don't have it all together. And not to be "oh yeah, i don't know anything, god you've got it" no not that attitude, but the kind that is so persistant to seek his knowledge, the kind to self controlled that we can hear His voice above anything else (even if it may come from the most unexpected places)?
I'm learning more and more as a wife that His role for me is to show other woman the strength is submitting to God and His authority. I know this because He's pushed me to learn it so HARD these past 6 months. How many of you know that when something comes so hard to us, we want to quit, we want to give up, and then which leads us to justify that "oh we're not ready yet, we'll get it" or even "thanks God got it!". When He allows the frustration to hit so hard, trust me, He wants us to master the act of HUMBLENESS to the point of breaking....not just crying and pleading, anyone can do that. We can plead and cry out to God all we want, but nothing changes until we learn how to control what is holding us back from truly growing closer to Him.
Gary has helped me see it. It's probably been his biggest battle. God's allowed plenty of opposition even at the most crucial times in our life to bring up Rachael's pride, her need to be patted on the back, or surrender to lies. I'm not saying Gary never makes mistakes or gives in to things, because he obviously does, but he's awakened to the gift of self control and walks in victory when he is challenged.
God's all called us to something. I guess what I'm saying is that He doesn't need me-He can use anyone he wants....but I miss out on that blessing. I miss out on that battle. And slowly, year by year, my passion will die out. How do we keep that candle of light burning at the same intensity our whole lives, until we are ready for eternity?
We always have to be growing. I thank God I didn't pick my lifemate....i never would have come to this realization...and I can honestly say that. I would probably have come close, or maybe got the revelation, but I don't think I would have had the discipline to do something about it. Maybe attempt-maybe attempt numerous times, but not attack it like i know I should now. Satan is not after me-i've accepted that. he's after our men, the ones who are there with God, the ones who have the potential to live for God at that level, and the ones who don't even know it yet. We need to keep asking God what we should do, no manipulation tactics, justifying, or reasoning into believing it's about us. I dont know how to end this, and I know i've written a book-so, I think this is where I'm going to focus from now on on this blog.

oh yeah, Africa is in like 6 days....!

Do We Really Have the Ability?

2008-03-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

"God measures our maturity by how well we love"- Beth Moore

"There will be terrible times in the last of days. people will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them.
They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these men oppose the truth-men of depraved minds, who as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. But they will not get very far because as in the case of those them, their folly will be clear to everyone.
You however know about my teaching, my way of life, my purpose, faith, patience, love, endurance, persecutions, sufferings, what kinds of things happened to me in Antioch, Iconium, and Lystra, the persecutions I endured. Yet the Lord rescued me from all of them. In fact, everyone who wants to live a goldly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted, while eveil men and impostors will go from bad to worse, deceiving and deving deceived......All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the name of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

God measures maturity by how well we love. The type of people that Paul talks about weren't necessarily born that way. FULL of sin from birth. They got there somehow. Paul advises Timothy to stay away from those people at the end of days, and i agree-there is no hope for them then! But what about when they are making those choices early on....we sense they don't know God by their choices, actions, and words....but really all it is is hurt. they are hurting inside.
"But I get so scared when God prompts me to say anything"
"There is no fear in love, perfect love drives out fear"
He's growing you....whether it's a stranger, your mother, even your husband or kids. We have the ability to love like this because Jesus gave us the power (the same power that raised Jesus from the dead), the love (the love that never fails, and gives us the desire to share Him), and self-discipline (sound mind, good judgement, and discretion).
The end of days is a warning-that if we don't spread his word of LOVE than this is what we can expect.
I think sometimes i get in the perspective that things are so bad (i get numb to loving because all i see is hate or death on the news). Really, God doesn't think it's so bad right now. He flooded the earth in Noah's day-started completely over from scratch. He hasn't done that to us! He must have really been mad back then!
Let's truly display that we are lovers of the LIVING GOD. We all get the religion thing-we all can follow the laws, the "DOs and DON'Ts". Let's really ask God to ignite His power in us so we can love (not out of duty, but OVERFLOW). Let's risk getting persecuted (made fun of, denied, ignored)!!!
We don't even really have to say anything. We can go on a mission trip to a 3rd world country. We can bring our neighbor cookies or ask if we can help her in the yard. We can stop buying people's happiness and start spending time with them, even if it's in the stillness and quietness of our prayer closet.
Love is a movement. Love is an overflow. It's not our power, but our willingness.
I need to stop asking myself if I have the ability, and start acting on it.
Do you?

Psalm 42

2008-03-12T05:16:00.000-07:00

"As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?" These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the ,ultitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon-from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me-a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God, my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning oppressed by the enemy?" My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?" Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why do distrubed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my GOD!"

I love how the Psalmist just identified his sorrow in his life and proclaimed his THIRST FOR GOD in it all. He didn't get mad because of his circumstances-he didn't follow the multitudes' attitude and give up on God....he spoke to his soul, he encouraged his soul, he reassurred his soul! I pray to always dwell on God's character-not the circumstances. I want to praise Him for being good, loving, kind, powerful, faithful and full of mercy! Joyce Meyer always pushes SPEAKING it, even it we aren't THINKING it. Our minds can have such control over out actions unless we CAPTIVATE the thoughts. I couldn't even imagine being in exile! To be a slave to someone or something that I don't believe in, something my heart cannot follow, something that could never quench my soul!!!
When something bad or trying happens my first reaction is questioning God. "Why? What do i need to do now? Are you upset with me? What are you teaching me through this?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I want to just praise him, not even focus on what i cannot control. I just want to praise him. gary and I are in a trying situation now and the enemy wants to whisper an undercurrent of despair that so easily creeps in while I think about the situation. Those thoughts make me want to attack and take over the problem in my own strength. The lord has had much grace on my thoughts, and slowly He's showing me how to battle those thoughts. Oh how i don't even deserve his help!
Lord, our souls thirst for you! They thirst as if it would a marathon runner at the end of a race. Lord, anytime the heat is turned up, I pray we can control our thoughts and speak praise to you! Even though our hearts and spirits may be distrubed, prompt us to encourage our souls!!!
What words does your soul need to hear right now?

the lost, hurting, widowed, and orphaned

2008-03-11T04:43:00.000-07:00

10 "....for the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost.” Luke 19:10

we are all His children. He cares for you, me and even the forgotten, lost and hurting. The child where you look down and see the soles of their shoes worn or pants ripped and dirty-He cares deeply for them too. Did you ever think, "that could be me?" I never thought really that I could lose everything God's given me, tomorrow.....next month..........next year.....in ten years....at any time, I could wake up with nothing. I saw that this weekend in the faces of some of the most beautiful people.
I was blessed to experience a community this weekend where the lost, hurting and forgotten were raised up and loved through serving and quality time....before and above anything else. before themselves, before their needs and desires... This community I speak of was Healing Place Church of Baton Rouge, Louisiana. There they have come up with the Dream Center idea. They took the poorest zip code in Louisiana and bought some property to help feed, educate (through the word of God), and provide church services for every age group in that community. Gary and I were totally blessed by being given the chance to see what a Dream Center service was like. It reminded me of a Celebration Saturday night service. LOUD, INTENSE, and HOLY-SPIRIT FILLED!!!! God shows up through our faith-not the need. At first i was like, man God's here-there's so much he can do. But the more i talked to the precious people in this church, the more i realized he was answering their call of faith. These people had NOTHING. It was the same experience i had when i went to Peru the first time. It's all over the world. My attitude before, sadly, towards the poor and needy in the USA was "they can get a job, all their resources are right here, send me to a place where the resources are zero". what i learned is that they don't just need resources, that's the first step. That's showing their community that you'll be around, you aren't leaving them once they get their meal. You are in it for the long haul, and you are there to show them Jesus' love.
The dream center started off and a place for their basic needs and developed into a Spirit filled worship center. Crime has gone down, children are learning truth, and best of all, these hopeless people now walk with a hope and purpose. There are even ministries there that tend to the needs of widows and prostitutes. they have over 80 widows to help and serve. They are not forgotten, they are not hurting and left to merely survive. They now, are using their circumstance and ministering to other widows, giving and bringing them hope!!!
The most amazing part, didn't take place in the service. It was when Dan took us by the 2 other dream centers God has provided for (there is one more that we didn't see). These dream centers were all over Baton Rouge! HPC didn't even try or plan for any more than one. The community (in one situation) was building another middle school, so they gave HPC all the property to do whatever they could with it. They actually have more room than they know what to do with. A WHOLE MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!! Just gave it to them!!!! HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!!!!
As much as i want to say God want us all to have an abundant life (which is so true), he wants us to be happy and prosper-of course...first and foremost, I believe he wants us to give our abundance to the hurting, lost, widowed and orphaned.
I learned not only the amazing things God is doing through a sister church, but we at Celebration aren't too far behind in this battle to win back the lost. It's in our DNA to reach out like that. That's what we stand for. I'm so thankful that we are in such a huge body that doesn't stop at our church walls. We can go to another church, partner with them and extend the arms of God-not only internationally, but throughout the US as well.
Thank you Lord for opening my eyes to your Great Commission. Thank you that missions are just a trip, but a lifestyle. I pray for reflectors in our church to come out of the cracks, stand up for what You stand for, and are willing to do whatever it takes to win this battle for the lost! I thank you that you already have those plans to fight for our church!

Hitting Baton Rouge...

2008-03-07T03:47:00.000-08:00

We're headed to Healing Place Church this weekend! We're leaving today around 2:30 to drive straight through to Baton Rouge. I haven't been to LA since I was 16. The last time i went was to New Orleans for volleyball nationals. I hated New Orleans, it was sooooo dirty (pre Katrina). I hear Baton Rouge is awesome! I'm totally pumped!
Pastor Mike asked Gary if we wanted to tag along with him to see all that Healing Place is doing through missions. Healing Place is part of the ARC. ARC is the association of related churches, a group of pastors who get together and plant churches all over the united states and the WORLD! It's a great organization that truly believes in the power of the local church.
I heard we are going to be able to hang with Jean and Dave Ohlerking (the founders of Children's Cup! I met Jean last year at SHINE and I was just drawn to her. Their mission in life was to heal the world. They've dedicated their lives to the Great Commission and in turn God has blessed them with children who are doing the same thing, carrying on the legacy!!! Gary and I pray for that through our future family line as well! Who wouldn't!!
Needless to say we are so pumped to gain fresh ideas and to be surrounded with people who have the same vision as we do!!! People who speak our language!!!
I also wanted to include this link to an article about one of my student's family from Burundi, Africa-if you are easily moved, grab the tissues!

Maturing

2008-03-05T05:14:00.000-08:00

I can't tell you how "on" our pastors have been since the fast. Or maybe we (the body) just has been more alligned with Jesus than ever before. At first I thought it was just me. But then, I talk to so and so, or this person, or that person. Everyone I talk to has been challenged to grow-and aren't resisting or making excuses not to do it. Pastor Stovall and Kerri have always submitted to the authority of Jesus, always preached and led according to what He wants....i'm telling you, even their blogs are right on!!!
Are we maturing as a body?
Is God bringing our church up to the next level!?
He always has been, don't misunderstand, but man instead of taking the fire exit stairs, we're shooting up the elevator! I feel it all around.
It's like i see little Christs everywhere reflecting His image.
LORD WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN STORE FOR US?
My job, social life, marriage-everything is getting sweeter and sweeter.
I see why God uses seasons when he talks about our walk with Him. We as humans don't control the weather, when summer hits, or even up north-the miserably cold winter. Same with God. We can't control what we go through, but we can control how we handle it. What we do with it. It's an attitude thing. Submitting is an attitude thing, worship is an attitude, serving is an attitude. If we aren't intentional about our attitude, we won't do these things the way God has made us to do them.
It's definitely His grace, but I have seen a change in my life. How i handle things. How i ignite conversation or concerns to Gary, how i respond to things expected. I see a difference in him too.
i just remember, thinking back, man how can i get through this? it was a hard season. I was not in control of when it was going to end, because it wasn't about me. it may not even be over, this may just be a break-but LORD have i learned. Bad circumstances are there to teach you something. They teach you how to get closer and stay closer to God. I LOVE IT!!!

Seeds of Forgiveness

2008-02-29T06:14:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard to forgive? I'm not talking about someone cutting you off. That's pretty easy after a few minutes. After you say to yourself, "ok, maybe they didn't see me" or "ok I've done that before". Just like God asks us to do, remember that we all fall short of the glory, we all have sinned. That's where Jesus got, "if a man wrongs you, turn the other cheek".
I'm having a real hard time with this situation. All of the people that hold me accountable of my actions and words, have reassurred me that God's got a huge hold on this situation, and even though we gave the other person involved a chance to admit he was lying and brought me into a horrible situation, and he still denied any knowledge that he knew, that GOD's GOT IT. I know i should believe in all my heart and forgive him, it's just so hard. We didn't want him to necessary fix everything, we just wanted him to confess that he did know. That's it.
On top of feeling this incredible amount of flesh coming out of me, and feeling the seeds of bitterness plant away, it's taking my spirit and eating it. it's effecting my and gary's relationship with God. it's such a hinderance. but i have to thank the lord that he's given me the opportunity to test my faith in him, right!?
I can't judge him, I don't know what God's doing in his heart, but it just really gets under my skin. 36 pages of evidence and still won't admit to it. He was not sincere in the least....
My flesh wants to take him to court for wronging us. Jesus is way against that. Jesus would never want two believers to have it come to that.
So Lord, remind me of who I can be if led by my flesh. Lord, please, please help me to stop watering the seeds of unforgiveness, and start planting seeds of love and forgiveness over this person's life. Lord, I want the best for him and pray your bless his life abundantly.

Intentional

2008-02-28T04:38:00.000-08:00

Over the past 3 1/2 years or so, I've heard the word "intentional" throughout the walls of our church and now, also, within the walls of my marriage. Pastor Kerri and Stovall truly believe that with God and our relationship with Him, we need to be intentional in the things we do. I looked up the word and this is what it said...
"anything planned, done on purpose"
You mean, I have to plan to spend time with God? Plan to go out of my way for Him? I won't always want to do it? I won't always have this overwhelming joy to serve and worship and love Him or His people? I don't believe that....
And during the first year of being a true Christian-i really didn't have to be intentional. God's grace over my life (even when I didn't know it) was as thick as pea soup. Between mission trips and Christian fellowship, I was always amped-never low or questioned why...never really had to practice being intentional.
But now, as I ask God to grow me closer to Him, build my spiritual maturity, and to test me-I'm realizing how important being intentional is. He's opening a lot of closets I've locked up from my past and Satan wants me to dwell on them. Satan wants me to "poor me" the whole deal and never grow past it. That's where being intentional comes in. I can't soak in the hurt-I can't choose to let these seeds of bitterness harvest in my heart, that's when it overflows into others. If i wasn't intentional, if I didn't plan on spending time with Him, reading His word, or serving His people, I wouldn't do it-the hurt, resentment and business of life would definitely get in the way.
Same with my marriage.
WHAT!!!!!?
Yeah, even with my husband.
I can't just love him or serve him when I feel like it. We all know we can't display the Lord's supernatual love in our own power! Jesus is intentional with us, and that's just one more way to relect Him. Planning to love and serve ANYONE for a purpose-so they may feel God's love through us, and even experience His presence while they are with us.
Have you ever known someone that you could just tell something was different about them, even set apart from other Christians? It's like you could almost feel a strange amount of caring in their voices, or when you looked in their eyes-you knew you wanted what they had? Believe it or not-that's Jesus. I want to be that kind of mirror.
Lord, help all of us to be more intentional. This world tells us to just worry and care about ourselves and to help others only when it benefits us. Jesus, I pray you break that lie within me. Help me to plan and pursue others and your kingdom with a purpose, not only when I feel like it.
I can feel the process of Him humbling me as i pray those words. We aren't above eachother-just like Paul writes throughout Corinthians-we've all been there and done that-we need to intentionally see people as true brothers and sisters, no matter what hurt or harm they've caused. No matter what they've been through.
We need to have our mindset on eternity.

Knowing it ALL

2008-02-23T07:11:00.000-08:00

Pastor Kerri created an amazing post on her blog the other day on Matthew 6:33. She basically was saying that God is simple...He uses simple words, but walking His words are harder than we think. If we ever get to a point where we don't think the sermons are filling us, or they are too simple, then we shouldn't immediately seek another church, but that we might want to check our hearts. I totally agree. When i responded to her post, I had written that Jesus is like a teacher, we read his simple words, but whenever we have a question, we just ask Him. "What does it mean to be humble Lord? Show me. How do i forgive this person Lord? Show me." And i wait for Him to show me. I know and believe He's the greatest teacher....
Teacher huh...? Teacher. I'm a teacher. I'm expected to know every answer. If i don't have the answer a student may ask about, then sometimes i tell them I'll look it up (when i'm in a humble mood) but most of the time, I just tell them what i think....honestly. Now these questions aren't life-changing....but they are questions they think about. Her post made me realize something. Am I the greatest teacher? Do I know everything?
I'm not above anything or anyone or anything. If i don't have an answer, I don't have the answer. If I am asked something I don't know-I can just say, "I have no idea".
God so knows it all. We drown out his voice trying to figure it all out. We drown out the answer when we think the message or the word is something we've mastered-and we start seeking somewhere else....
Rest assured if your church is not Bible based, there has been some "man's complex thinking" added. If you know your church is grounded and led by the spirit-maybe the "rut" isn't your church. It's not the study you are doing or the messages you are hearing....Maybe it's God asking you to check your heart.
God put me in a season where i thought nothing could answer the questions to my problems. the messages weren't for me, people couldn't understand me-
the truth? i wasn't following His simple commandments. IDLE? Yes, my issues were my own idle. My problems were more important than saving lives!
Praise God for my church. That's all they focus on!!! This life is but a vapor. We have only so much time to spread the good news. This life isn't about how deep we can go with God. Like my pastor says, "you want a deep message? love your neighbor". HA! I LOVE IT!!!!

HE IS GOD

2008-02-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

A GREAT REMINDER OF WHO HE IS (on top of being loving, everlasting, merciful, graceful, wisdom, and truth)...even when we don't know who we are, why we are where we are at, or why we feel pain or struggle...

"He marries His power with our potential-the potential He knows you have since the creation of the world." Remember, that is being said with this in mind....HE MADE THE WORLD, HE WAS THE CREATOR, so not only did he have to put it into existance-He has you and your potential in His plan!!!
I believe you are in the most perfect place in all the world right now. This is a wonderful experience for you. But take note of what C.S. Lewis said, “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.”
Enjoy the experience.

So, you know when you are out of your comfort and things are full of struggle? EMBRACE IT!! When we learn to enjoy that struggle, possibly get a laugh out of it-that's when we know our obedience is lining up with His path...the one He created for us while he was shooting light into existance with not even an ounce of breath!!

Happy Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T09:26:00.001-08:00

I read this today (from Mocha with max-max lucado), and I thought it was perfect for Valentine's Day. Saint Valentine was a Christian. When the churches said NO MORE MARRIAGES, Valentine secretly married young couples in the forrest. God intended for man NOT to be alone. Whether it is through your spouse, grilfriend/boyfriend, friends, family, OR HIM, God wants you to know you are loved.

"God is for you. Your parents may have forgotten you, your teachers may have neglected you, your siblings may be ashamed of you; but within reac of your prayers is the maker of the coeans, GOD!
God is for you. Not "maybe" not "has been" not "was" not "would be" but "God IS" He is for you. Today. At this hour. At this minute. No need to wait in line or come back tomorrow. he is with you. He could not be closer than he is at this second. His loyalty won't increase if you are better nor lessen if you are worse. his is for you.
Can your purpose be taken or your value diminished? NO.
No one can defeat you.
God is for you.
God loves you simply because he has chosen to do so. He loves you when you don't feel lovely. He loves you when no one else loves you. Others may abandon you, divorce you, and ignore you, but God will love you. Always. No matter what."
"I'll call nobodies and make them somebodies;I'll call the unloved and make them beloved" Romans 9:25 MSG

Another blogger did this on her site, and I wanted to also, it was fun!!!

The rules are simple...just answer the questions with pictures....(and I know not a lot have time for this, I have some before work).

A Place I'd like to travel....Burma, where two of my kids are from (After Africa of course)

Favorite Dessert-Anything at Kilwin’s Ice Cream and Chocolate Shop

Fav Food-Lettuce Wraps from PF Chang’s

My Name: Rachael Randall

Fav animal-Lion Cub

Pet's names-I can’t have any pets (moving soon!)

Fav Singer-Shane and Shane, Hillsong United

Throwing in the Towel

2008-02-12T06:32:00.001-08:00

This theme has been coming up in my life over the past few months. Throwing in the towel....quitting....giving up....Gary, praise God, has been there on a day to day basis to speak life into me, pray over me, but the most important thing is that he's been there to rebuke me. The Bible speaks a lot about rebuking the devil and his lies, but also know that it speaks about rebuking believers when you know they are wrong. Whenever I get into my slump (and priase Jesus that Stovall preached on this this weekend) we need to be able to step out of the hole we dug ourselves and start walking in victory. God already washed everything with His blood, Satan has already been defeated-so my slump is really my slump, i choose who to listen to, when to strip away pride, and basically repent of my sin of unbelief, yes it's a sin, not a mistake.
before God, and all the truth he placed inside of me through his word and miracles in my life, if something got hard i would quit and go another route...or just settle with being mediocre. My God given abilities (my gifts that i used without any effort) got me to the place where it was "just enough". If i senced failure, it was "see ya later".
Now that I'm a Christian, now that I have the duty to finish what God starts, I've been battling with old flesh. God's really breaking me down. truly. If He gives me an inch to make the decision of doing the RIght thing, I try my way and he knocks me down. LITERALLY.
I even see it with people around me. He's showing me who is WITH Him and FOR Him. And who is just with Him. He keeps giving me the chance to be apart of the WITH AND FOR Him group. Gary knows that I can do it, and he's cheering me on-but also rebuking and not condoning my bad choices. I get so easily angered that I think I can lash out whenever I want. Sometimes i don't even see it coming. I"m seeing it more and more-and the result is less painful. But my point is during this time-I have wanted to quit so bad. I've wanted to just sweep it under the rug. But He's so faithful, His promises are true! He never gives up on me! He refuses to let me lukewarm. He refuses to let me be like my old self.
He's sifting his body. I see it everywhere. LORD SIFT US. Bring your true followers to light. Cast light over your body. DO WHAT YOU WILL Lord, I pray we make the right choice to be WITH and FOR you Lord. Let us not be selfish or do things for you when we feel like it. It's like TD Jakes said in one of his messages, you want the best from us-and you know when it's our best. Let us give you the best praise, prayer, devotion and faith in you lord!
I've decided that I'm going to continue to fast and pray this year. I really am not a big fan of fasting (it's really hard for me), but everytime I do, HE BREAKS THROUGH, not just for me, but others I'm in contact with. EVERYTIME. I know He's thankful when I step out of my comfort and do something for him that is hard for me.
So Lord, I choose not to throw in the towel. keep my chin up-draw me closer lord. I know the only thing you want me to quit is thinking that I can do it all myself, in my own strength, that i can get by with not taking responsibility of my actions. THAT'S what you want me to quit!!! remind me that everytime i choose not to follow in your righteousness with my anger or attitude, that it's miserable without your presense. It's training time-and I'm ready. Thank you for the movement you are creating in all of Jacksonville, especially through our church. Thank you for our church God. Thank you that You never seize to grow me there-challenge me in the times that count. THANK YOU LORD!!!! Bless our church God, keep it strong!!!! It's in your hands!!!

"We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will never disappoint us, because God has poured out his love to fill our hearts. He gave us his love through the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to US!!!" Romans 5:3-5 we can't do it without His Holy Spirit!!!

Future Leaders?

2008-02-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

If you could go back to your country what 3 things would you do to make it a better place?

If you could go anywhere and do anything where would you go? I am from Burudi, Africa and I would go back there. Not because I liked it, but because I want to make it a better place. I am in fourth grade now, so maybe I'll go back when I'm 12.
First I would help kids that need it. I've been there and I know there are a lot who need help. I would buy them clothing and shoes. I would take them places so they could have fun. I would also help them by giving them food to eat.
The second thing I would do would be to teach the people, even the adults. They need to learn about animals, animals can help us you know! I would definitely teach them English-even though it is hard at first. Also, I would teach them how to be successful, I learned that this year.
Finally, but it's probably the most important thing. I would help them build churches. They would learn who Jesus is. I would teach them how to play with other kids in Sunday School. I would also teach them good manners. You need to learn how to treat people like Jesus did.
I would want to go back to my home country of Burudi. Not many things good come from there, so I would want to change it. People must get education, so I would try and teach them what I know. They also need clothing and shoes. I didn't have a lot when I lived there, but now I am here and I am blessed. I would also want them to know who Jesus is, and they need a church to learn that. Where would you go? What would you do?

Eneryne Mushimiyimana
Age 10

Passion

2008-02-07T10:54:00.000-08:00

Gary and I have been trying to define what passion for God is for people. I looked up the word, and was real shocked they actually mentioned Jesus! It's like you read though the list about lust and sexual desire and feelings and emotions, and then...........JESUS!!! Yes, passion is a feeling, but that's not what i am talking about today. We all have a strong desire for something, whether it be our husbands, hobbies, or even.....chocolate...

1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7. the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.
9. violent anger.
10. the state of being acted upon or affected by something external, esp. something alien to one's nature or one's customary behavior (contrasted with action).
11. (often initial capital letter) Theology. a. the sufferings of Christ on the cross or His sufferings subsequent to the Last Supper.
b. the narrative of Christ's sufferings as recorded in the Gospels.
12. Archaic. the sufferings of a martyr.

Passion=suffering? Christ suffered for us? He chose to do that! WHAT! Suffering....how horrible...
don't we blame God for our sufferings? Come on, I know you've thought it.
But his passion was suffering on the cross for us?

So I ask again what stirs your passion? What burns so bad you would do anything for it? Even suffer...a little

1. a journey taken with no shoes, bandaids, cell phone, water-only to get to a place with even less and expectations to give them something greater than any modern day luxury (JESUS!!!)
2. listening to my husband talk about his visions for world wide missions and knowing he needs me to be by his side when God calls us to carry them out. just thinking about the perfection of man and woman together when it's done right...dang!!
3. fasting and praying with people who are so on fire for God
4. truly believing in my church (CELEBRATION) and wanting to do anything for it...believing so whole heartedly it makes me cry to think about how many people they are reaching, and how i am one of those people.
5. fighting my flesh, struggling knowing that God is using that situation to grow and mold me. accepting the things of this world are not what i need to be happy and filled.
6. my new family-people who have taught me to give others the shirt off my back if that's what it takes.
7. dirty baby feet in flip flops waiting in line for days to get medical attention
8. seeing my class get excited to succeed-watching things click in their heads about themselves
9. watching middle schoolers go to the alter and talk to God-EVERY WEEK
10. submission, accepting that i'm not the answer...He is.

there are so many more...but all of those things did start with suffering. all things worthy of God's praise and glory are worked hard for. i know i keep saying this, but it's a marathon, not a sprint. it's not how you start-but how you finish. Over the past two years it's been a struggle to understand Paul and his attitude because he was human just like us. The one thing he got down right away, is that feelings are good-but not reality. Intentions can be meant well, but you still need to take responsibility. Choices must be made: Am I going to get angry or take the high road? Am I going to feed into other's negativity, or walk away? Am I going to think about what i used to do or change the behavior?

What ignites your suffering, i mean passion? I don't think many people actually read this, but if you do, what stirs you up inside? What explodes out of your heart when you think about it?

Answered Prayers

2008-02-05T05:06:00.001-08:00

It's so funny to me how our answered prayers are such a miracle to us, but to God, He's like, "man, that has been planned before you were knit in your mother's womb-beat that!"
Speechless...
I first want to say, GOD when you bring the rewards, they are so much sweeter than when I somehow have a hand in it all. God, help me to continue to honor people around me so I may taste of your sweet rewards again.
We are going to Africa for 2 weeks with the interns at church. There we will stay with Ben and Susan and the rest of Children's Cup.
Remember how a few lines up I said that His rewards are sweeter? I still haven't let this all sink in. I still haven't fully allowed myself to experience the full joy he wants me to have. I can't! I've never really experienced this before. I know for a fact it is nothing that I did to diserve it. It's nothing Gary did. It was all in His plan and He wants to send us?
2 weeks....in Africa...learning....submitting....honoring....growing....
I read in my Beth Moore study yesterday how the Pharasies did everything they could in thier power to get rid of Jesus. Once he performed that miracle of raising Lazerus from the dead, forget it, they were ticked. He threatened them far beyond any threat Jesus ever did before. They then placed a huge stone infront of his tomb. And Beth wrote "sometimes more effort is required to keep rolling the stone back over the tomb than simple to cooperate with the work He seeks to finish in us." "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6. If we are willing, if i am willing, he's going to complete the works in me. If i am unwilling, I will be miserable, because the truth of completion is in me.
I have this perspective now, and I hope and pray i keep it-that there's a big world out there. And I've been completely humbled to the fact that it's not about what I can do. LORD keep me this way! I am no one. Just a vessel. Let me just cooperate with the work you want to do through us. That stone is just too heavy for me.

We've been bought with no returns

2008-01-31T04:50:00.001-08:00

During this season, God's shown me as i read his word, that I must stop whenever it starts to speak to me, take it in, and put it into practice. I'm not like the Bible readers who's goal is to finish it in a year-i thought i was the scheduled type, but I guess God made me different. So I've been stuck in 1 John. I used to read the Bible with this perspective: I'm a young child, and inside i know God loves me, but i don't know what that means because the voice i hear the words in is this old mean strict woman reading them to me. "DO THIS, DO THAT, You failed, so therefore, you are a sinner" And being a sinner was looked upon as this negative description. I have to fight that thought sometimes, but i know it's my past flesh fighting my present spirit. (Remember it's a race, and beating our bodies is part of training). So i'm reading and this morning I'm hearing that old lady voice as i read....but it stops. And a man's warm voice continues into this verse....

1How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears,[a]we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 3Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.

It was so comforting. It was so lovely. And then God started speaking to my heart...

"Rachael, you sound like that old lady sometimes when you know people are wrong...You are negative, you let them get to you, and you think it's your responsibility to 'let them know what's up'"

Ouch.

"You are My child! Focus on that! You don't diserve it!! But I love you with this everlasting love you may never understand. But if you stay willing and always seek how to love like me, your heart will stay pure and they will hear MY VOICE, just like you finally heard it today"

Then my husband texts me this verse:

"We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe, and the evil one cannot harm him. We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one. We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true-even in his Son Jesus Christ. he is the true God and eternal Life." 1 John 5:18-21

My part in the battle? Prayer. My part in the battle? A positive mindset. My part in the battle? TO believe His truth over what my heart says. I am a child of God. You are a child of God-and you are so beautiful. Look at how He made you! When I walk in this, I know I'll truly be able to love like He did when he walked this earth.

Day 21-What's heavy on our hearts

2008-01-29T04:58:00.000-08:00

<Burma
The Children in my class are strictly from other countries. Cuba, Puerto Rico, Russia, Brundi, and this year, my first two children from Burma. It's been in the news lately-you might have seen it. I have wanted to be close to them all year, but because of the language barrier, they are sent to another teacher for the main subjects. They are so adorable and willing to learn-you can't help but love them. I have always felt a barrier between the three of us-but i didn't know where it came from....maybe my lack of understanding their background or culture-maybe their fear of my culter...i'm louder, i'm touchy, i don't know....
I've been to other countries, i taught other children who aren't from america....

so this has been in the back of my head all year....

and then my husband takes me to Rambo....he saw Enchanted with me the other weekend so i guess i owed him....
the whole beginning is real news footage about the Civil War (basically Genocide) in Burma. (My kids came directly from that as refugees). I wanted to throw up. I mean you hear about it, read about it, but the whole movie was about these missionaries (who were so SOFT!!!! CHRISTIANS ARE TOUGH!!! NOT A BUNCH OF SISSIES!!!) who demanded from Rambo for him to take them into Burma from Thailand. Well, to my surprise, ha, ha, they got themselves into danger with the Burmese rebels. Rambo had to come to their rescue. I really pray that people do not see that as fiction. I pray that they open their minds to the fact that people are dying and suffering from rape, murder, starvation, etc....
But anyways, i guess i wanted to share with you why i am so passionate about being sent somewhere other than America.
I can hear their cries.
I used to hear my kids in class, their struggles, their fears, their past...
I would fall on my face for them. I would continually seek God in how to relate and teach them.
But the cries from over seas is so much louder. I hear them in my sleep.
"And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with you God" Micah 6:8
God has shown us what is good here. He has shown us that the United States is overly blessed. He prompts in our hearts to take care of the poor and needy. He says that more than once in his word. So, those of you who have that whisper in your heart-answer it. Ask Him what he means! What does the Lord require of you? Is it to stay here and give to the ones in need here? Do you see their face? Is it to care for a neighbor next door that you've never met? Or is it to travel far to a place where you don't know where you are going,you don't know why except that you hear their cries?
We are just stewards of God's money, His earth, his people....we all belong to him... The lord says that all we have here we cannot take with us. It will be burned, but our spirits will remain and rise. heavenly rewards cannot burn up-those are the things in your heart that are crying out for you to do.
Thank you Jesus for this fast....I pray and pray that you never dull this burnden in my heart. That you never seize to stop speaking that to me. Forgive me that I rely on all these comforts at times. Forgive me that I still struggle with these sins in my flesh. help me to continue to train, to prepare-like paul says he beats his body, for it is at war with our spirit, so that i may finish my marathon in spirit.

Honor

2008-01-28T07:07:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend, John Bevere came to our church to speak. I love his wife's book, "Fight Like A Girl" but I had never really read anything by him. I was expecting a great weekend and my husband and I were blessed with the opportunity to serve his "peeps" (his pilots, and two product people). Like I said, I was expecting a great weekend. We all were fasting and John Bevere was speaking to our church.....little did i know how much of an important weekend it would be in my life....

We all talk about faith....God can't work in you without faith. That's my struggle, i know i don't believe the way i should. I know that that's my struggle constantly...but where do i start? Pray? yeah i do that, but sometimes i feel fake. God must get so tired of me saying, "God i just don't know".

The Faith of the Centurion
5When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6"Lord," he said, "my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering."
7Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him."

8The centurion replied, "Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

10When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in all of Israel with such great faith. 11I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

We all talk about faith....God can't work in you without faith. That's my struggle, i know i don't believe the way i should. I know that that's my struggle constantly...but where do i start? Pray? yeah i do that, but sometimes i feel fake. God must get so tired of me saying, "God i just don't know".

I read that and I'm like, sweet, the dude had a lot of faith..... how can that help me.
After John spoke on that he explained to me that that centurian was a roman soldier. he was a ROMAN SOLDIER TALKING TO JESUS a jewish carpenter! That's like a US Marine talking with a painter from Iraq.

OHHHHHHH....

but then, i am still like what gave him that faith....what story did he hear that i haven't read about....and it's not like that....
the man had honor.... back to that US Marine saying to the painter from Iraq, "i am not worthy to come into your house". Honor...
Honor is what healed that man. Honor is what heals the tribes in the deep jungles of Peru or the dead being raised in Africa. They get HONOR. they get it. Here? We don't.

We honor God by honoring the least of these. We honor God and get that touch from Him when we truly mean what we do for people with all our our hearts.....

Lord I pray that your Holy Spirit just enters my heart and shows me what honor truly is. To completely walk a humble path. To honor all of your creation. To honor my husband. I know when I do this you will totally honor me back in return, I know I"ll get the rewards.... I'll reap the benefits....I'll be blessed. Thank you for teaching me and showing me just a taste of your honor this weekend.
Here are some of his books he talked from .....

Promises....

2008-01-23T07:41:00.000-08:00

It's already January 23, and I'm breaking promises to God. They were hard ones to keep, and i'm still trying, but they were promises. Gary and I both realized that God's asking us to step it up our discipline, not to be more routine, but to answer when we hear Him.
my challenges:
submission-people are not out to get me, i don't need to be defensive
choices-must look at the whole picture without listening to my justification or reasoning into manipulating what i want.
attitude-think positive, I have all I need, I am never without. He made me perfect.

pretty stinky stuff

then this morning in our quiet time, Gary read me this:
"When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest, "my mow was a mistake." why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the work of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in the awe of God." Ecclesiastes 5:4-7

and i realized i cannot "do as He says" without Him. I can't be Jesus or give Jesus without Jesus. Standing in the awe of him....dang that's good.

lung capacity

2008-01-21T16:51:00.000-08:00

This is how we know what love is:
Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has not pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with action and truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever out hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and recieve from him anything we ask, because we obey his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command, to believe in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ and to love one another as he commanded us.

that's what it's all about. to step outside ourselves. to reach for something more. to live a life that's uncomfortable to what we've always known. to accept our past, where we've all come from and to believe God's got a higher calling on our lives.
there's one race, and we're all running Paul says in 1 corinthians. but only the truly disciplined have even a chance of gaining that eternal trophy. nowadays we aren't allowed to outwardly get competitive, it's too offensive. but i believe god's word was meant to push us beyond everything in this world. my friend mel has a great blog and she wrote in there that our eyes were meant to see things upside down, but we have this nerve that fixes it. God created our eyes to literally see things upsidedown. he's so funny.
girls, we have to do these things and check our hearts. i didn't check my heart today and slowly i sank into a pit of myself. i know god can use anyone he wants...but the truth is, i believe he can use me for anything....i truly believe that. god used paul for so much. paul was disciplined. you ever wonder why god uses certain people and you are like what the deal!!!!? they are probably very disciplined. our reasoning and justification in our heads make us "see" it the way we want to, but really truly, God's not an idiot...everyone has trials, everyone struggles with unbelief sometimes-but it's the training, paul says that gets us through....it's like holding your breathe...in the beginning of the summer as a kid, i never could beat my mom in the pool. i would get so mad and even try to come up without her knowing...but the thing that allowed me to have victory in that small competition, was that my lung capacity grew. God looks for people he knows will put in the time. it says it right in 1 john. i always just looked at that chapter as the love chapter, but he says it before anything, "whoever claims to live in him must walk like jesus did" obey Him and his truth.
we are sinning if we choose anything else. i sinned today. i choose to go against what God's truth says about me. if i call it a mistake i am passing responsibility on to something else. if i call it a sin, i know i must repent in my heart and ask god for forgiveness. that alone is part of my training.
thank you for always praying for me. now i see why paul asked that over and over again in his letters. God wants to do and is going to do something so amazing soon. it's coming so soon. it's basically here. thank you for always praying for me. we can count it all in joy together.

Erwin.....

2008-01-18T08:19:00.000-08:00

Go to itunes and download Erwin McManus' Mosaic Church's podcast. I just watched the Gauntlet on their video cast that is amazing.

Day Nine

2008-01-17T08:42:00.001-08:00

Nehemiah 4:14 (NLT)
14 Then as I looked over the situation, I called together the nobles and the rest of the people and said to them, “Don’t be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes!”

When the Jews listened to the taunts and insults of their enemies, they felt their strength dissipating and even felt like giving up. It takes the eyes of someone to see the deeper spiritual realities-that God was greater than the enemy and He would strengthen His people so that they could finish the wall.
My husband is my Nehemiah, and has been. But during this fast, God is calling me to search deeper. He's saying let go of your pride, fear, shame, worry and insecurity. He's saying "I want you to see my truths and reach women, reach the beautiful, gifted women I created." There is always going to be an enemy. He will always speak to us through static in the background of our hearts. Someone says, "I love you, you're beauitful" and you hear "I'd love you, you'd be beautiful if...." Nehemiah doesn't say remember how horrible the enemy made you feel. He said remember the Lord who is great and glorious-so when you do that you CAN fight for your brothers, sons, daughters, HUSBANDS, and homes.
If you haven't noticed in your walk with God yet, he's not after us, Satan is after our men. What is the only way to them? Through us.
I'm fighting and i'm tired. But that's when our faith kicks in that God is still taking care of things for us. He is always doing most of the work, we are just helping him.
I want spiritual eyes like Nehemiah and my husband. I want to see the battle, not between flesh and blood. I pray we all can get these eyes, the eyes to see spiritual realities.
Don't be too proud to take a rest....expect it to be hard. Don't be too afraid to try or too worried to make a mistake....look at yourself at who you will be after the battle...i always loved looking at myself after a tough volleyball game, after i knew that i knew i gave my 100%....i always looked so strong, never defeated. anything that has power for the kingdom is expected to be hard. A Proverbs 31 women doesn't happen over night....

What I love About God

2008-01-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

I was reading Elane's blog and that's exactly where I wanted to finish my thoughts. Him wanting us to really know Him, every characteristic....we can't do that in our own power, we have to experience Him. Ask Him. "What do you like about this God..." that sounded so silly to me, but I believe He wants that. I can ASSUME in my own power what I think....but I rather have Him tell me.....
My 50 Things I LOVE About God
His hope....
How His truth always stands stronger than the static that tries to decieve me...
Warmth
Strength
Confidence, He never defends Himself...His actions tell it all
He's always right
His mystery
He knows just how to humble me, everytime...
his love for the unlovely
he always leaves me with the question in my head, "HOW did you do that?" or "How did you know?"

more later........
more to experience

Are You Asking Me To Walk On Water?

2008-01-15T04:59:00.000-08:00

"He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe" Proverbs 28:26
Day 7
Yesterday my heart was numb.
But I'm learning to experience Him without bringing anything to the table. The inside is coming out. I'm not doing it. I fought it last night. I was ready to give up. I was ready to just quit and say ok God i'm close enough. But He wouldn't let me. God wouldn't let go of my hand. I was ready to give up on Him. Please understand I wasn't asking for anything. I just got so sick of taking taking taking from Him, and feeling like I never had anything to give Him. "God, before i pray and ask you for anything, let me read these chapters in the Bible for you. Before I say i'm sorry for my attitude here, let me help someone or show you my patience in this area." But i just got too tired. I lashed out on Gary. And everytime, God's face is shown to me in his eyes. He said, "it's ok, take a rest..."
"But God, I have nothing to give you"
"You never need to give me anything, Rae. I never ask anything of you, but to desire to be close to me. Everytime you try to do these things for me, when I just want you to talk to me. Just ask me questions. Learn the little things about me. When you do, you'll see how i see you, you'll love how i love, you'll walk how i walk"
Tears...
"Are you asking me to walk on water Lord?"
"Yes, but you can hold my hand"

"WHen the righteous thrive, the people rejoice Rae. If you hold it, you will see what I mean by righteous. The people around you will rejoice. Your prayer for them to feel My presence through you will happen. I'm just waiting for you to take my hand"

It's so true. Peter was asked to build God's church. He would be the first everything in the Christian community. Priest, preacher, the initiator. He was #1 on Satan's hit list. Even after Satan begged Jesus for Peter, He never let him have Peter. He never gave him to Satan. He asked Peter to walk on the water during a storm. That righteousness Peter walked in, that Paul walked in was because of what they did? No, it was because it came from God because he responded to faith (Philppians 3:9).

"Yes God I will take your hand, I can't do anything without you"

Treasures in Jars of Clay

2008-01-14T06:49:00.000-08:00

Day 6

This fast has been totally amazing from Day 1. God is ready to do big things. God is ready to transform from the inside out. He's been consuming my mind to the point where Satan can't even take away my thoughts about God. His grace is so thick. His love is so abundant. I have been feeling totally emotional, which is good, I always have to focus on the positive-and being emotional is showing me how my flesh is fighting to stay in control, but my spirit is gaining strength. The tears don't last very long. His fire is burning and seperating the impurities in my heart. Sometimes when we fast, we are just looking for the miracles we can see. But I'm trying to focus on the unseen in everything. Along with fasting comes a lot of prayer and i know that my prayers are being heard. I thank God for the miracles i can see around me-but fall down to the ones i know are in the works. Not for me, not for you, not for us, but for His Glory.
"Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. FOr we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness, " be made by his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We alsways carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body." 2 corinthians 4:1-12

I am a jar of clay for him to mold me. i will not give into deception so i may not see the light. everytime i do that i choose to put Jesus down for that blessing, that opportunity. i have a treasure inside, you have a treasure inside. Let the control go, the need to know go. be moldable clay, so he can fire you up and reveal your treasure.

listening+obeying+doing=his supernatural blessing

2008-01-11T07:00:00.000-08:00

As i was reading Lysa's blog this morning, my attitude totally changed. God used her to look at my reading of the word differently today. Gary was reading in Nehemiah this morning during our quiet time, and since I have never really read through the whole thing, i decided i wanted to too. Man, that sounded so child-like....anyways, while i read, God really spoke to my heart about the body. Throughout the old testiment, God always used people who were under a king who didn't worship our God, they worshiped many gods along with worshipping themeselves. (i guess i'm thinking of Daniel). So Nehemiah was told by some dudes that the walls of Jerusalem were "broken down and the gates were broken down by fire". I hear bad news, news that hits my heart and immediately try to fix it in my own strength. But Nehemiah first "sat and wept and then for some days mourned, fasted and prayed before the God in Heaven". DO I EVER DO THAT!!!? God then showed him, "alright Good and faithful servant, you came to me, you recognized me as your leader, now i put you incharge of doing a great work for Me". That's when Lysa's blog spoke to me.
She wrote, "there are no great people in the kingdom of god, just simple people. but every now and then a simple person makes a great choice".
From that time of prayer and fasting (Nehemiah's choice) God did great things. he brought so many people together to rebuild that wall. They each had their own responsibility. Even when outsiders (2:19) mocked and questioned them, they were confident because it was God who instructed them. Nehemiah showed me that when wer truly seek God, he will direct our path, he will put us where we need to be, he will protect us.
Gary and I want to go to Africa today. We would pick up and leave today. But we sought God's wisdom, His direction...God said wait on your church. Wait for them to be ready. You must have their blessing. You must have their covering. It was so against what we really wanted to do. But confirmation has been shown to us over and over again that we need to continue to submit to our authorities. So many people go on the mission field without that covering and wonder why it doesn't work out. It's like we got permission to build the wall, we're just in the process of building it....it's a big wall, but when it's done, it will protect us when we leave for Africa. Our wall is our church's covering, our preparation for what lies ahead.
And you know what? I can stand in confidence of that.

good articles

2008-01-10T06:05:00.000-08:00

Here are some good articles i wanted to share with you all....pass them along

http://www.radiantmag.com/article.php?ID=371

http://www.radiantmag.com/article.php?ID=325

radiantmag.com is just an awesome site for women :)

UPSIDEDOWN

2008-01-10T05:14:00.000-08:00

Last night was our first Youth service in a few weeks because of the holidays. We opened it with a series called "How to Annoy Your Parents". It basically taught the kids that being upside down from the world (love when it tells you to hate, give when it tells you to take, obey when it tells you to rebel) that you will turn your family upside down. that upside down is where God is. He opened it up with even the first family in humanity was totally disfunctional (yeah, let's kill my brother over jealousy, soap opera HELLO)
After service, I had a girl come up to me, let's call her Molly. On Sunday, she had brought a friend from school who she knew going into it was Athiest. The girl hated it, said it was boring....that was the Molly's only chance. Her mother said she was no longer able to bring "The Atheist". Molly was upset and looking for me to tell her to bring her anyways....then the message sank in...
"Honor your mother and father and God will bless it". great he will bless it we all think...how?
I told her that maybe if she confronts her mom first by saying, "I won't hang out with her, i won't ask you if i can take her to church anymore, but do you think you could pray for her with me?" Molly's whole face changed....a simple solution, but at the time felt so hard to get out of my mouth. I wanted to tell her to go for it, beg your mom, make her mom understand.... even get mad at her parents, and wanting to express to Molly that her mom should never have said that! but the simple message.
Kids think that in order to be good, they can't be passionate, they can't express their love for God. Molly's desire to bring her friend to church may not happen, but God will bless it as He teaches her to pray, and to look at her mother with respect.
Pray with me for her mother....that she's able to take Molly's request of praying for her friend. Pray also that Molly uses this time to learn to pray and that God shows her a miracle. Athieism is not as scary as we think. They aren't just people who "worship the devil". This little girl just had a closed heart for whatever reason. Haven't we all been there?
I want to challenge everyone to do just one thing today that's upside down from what you would normally do and just watch how God honors it....
Not only will Molly be honoring her parents request

Day One

2008-01-09T06:41:00.001-08:00

"Wisdom is radiant and unfading, and she is easily discerned by those who love her, and is found by those who seek her." Song of Songs 6:12

How wonderful is it that our Lord, the maker of all things beautiful, calls wisdom, "her". Wasn't Eve the one who was "tricked" into eating of the Tree of Knowledge? We were the first people to seperate ourselves from Him....Why does he love us so much extra? Why are all these beautiful words about us?

Our influence. God saw how much we effected our men. God saw how beautiful he made us that we could do a world of good, or bring it to destruction. He wants us to believe his Word. It is so important we do not lose our power to influence because we forget why it was given to us. We are not given wisdom and knowledge to out smart God (justify our actions, give reasons why, or to push blame on others). We were given wisdom and knowledge to live life backwards from the world. To love when it tells us to hate, to give when it tells us to take, to bite our tongues when it tells us to defend....

God doesn't want our influence-he has more power and might to do anything....Satan wants our influence because he was stripped of his own. He wants us to believe we are not perfect the way God made us, that our gifts are not real, that we are too good to nurture and heal. Our battle is not to necessarily attack with our muscles, but with our choices (in our thoughts, actions, and words).

Satan wants us because of our influence because he's ultimately after our men, to destroy the head. The only way in most cases? Through us. Satan can destroy my husband through me, my boys in class through me, and by the way i conduct myself with all the youn girls in my life-because they will grow up into what influences them, then all the men in their lives can be destroyed.

Choices....everything we do can effect someone else. How awesome is it that God loves us so much to give us this responsibility. He did it because He believes in us, he loves us...He thinks we are radiant and unfading!!!!!!

His Face....That's All

2008-01-08T04:55:00.000-08:00

"And let us not lose heart and grow weary and faint in acting nobly and doing right, for in due time and at the appointed season we shall reap, if we do not loosen and relax our courage and faint" Galatians 6:9

I wanted to start with that scripture, because God tells me that every morning. Every time He sees my spirit weaker than my flesh. Everytime he reminds me that His love is greater and backwards from anything I've ever experienced. Everytime I start to settle for half of what he really wants to gift me with.

The second I accept responsibility in something, I feel the negative-"You're going to fail". I can give in and hop on Satan's bandwagon, or I can stop that thought before it even begins to unravel. I think that's what Paul meant when he said, "I'm persuaded beyond doubt that neighter death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor things impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Persuaded beyond doubt. The face of love. Our eyes see Him in stained glass windows playing with the lambs in the pasture...but our hearts, they see a warrior....and his weapon? His love for us. I pray that God not only pierces my heart during this fast about how much he loves me, but also how much he loves you. That was his mission, his purpose....if we walk in his purpose-walk in the FOOTPRINTS of his life, his face will be revealed in us. Just imagine. Knowledge is nothing compared to that. That was important to me in the beginning-solid proof. I have that now, but my heart would be empty if i didn't have that love, it's his love that proves that he's still alive. If his face changed this whole world, wouldn't we want his face all over us? Walking into a room and people just knowing he's there? The blind? Hurting? Abused?
It's asking him to help us step outside ourselves...it's hard to do. Be persuaded beyond doubt. Beyond how we feel. I'm being attacked like crazy trying to walk in this....but knowing God sees me where i will be after this, just fires me up.
The world can have my distorted view of myself, insecurities, doubts, and questions. It's the whole concept of the mud puddle over the ocean-he wants to give you the ocean, let's not take the mud puddle.

there is a reason "It is for freedom Christ has set us free" was in the same book as the above scripture. It's not about hiding in our safety that keeps us close; that keeps us going... it's striping it all off, it's letting him do it, He knows it is hard for us down here in our stank flesh....but he believes in us. we were created in His image after all.

The Power and Presence of God

2008-01-07T05:04:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday starts our church wide prayer and fasting season for 21 days. This will be my 3rd year of fasting. Pastor Stovall did a great job on Sunday explaining why we fast individually and as a church. Many Christians believe fasting was something done just as a sacrifice to God-looking at it through an Old Testiment filter. The thing i love best about our church is how our pastoral staff only preaches God's Word. It's hard as a listener to deny anything they say because it says it right there in the Word of God. They constantly challenge me to be uncomfortable. Fasting is something I initially don't enjoy. I love my food. I love a plate of cornbread smothered in butter and honey. But that's what is so great about this time. It's finally not about what I want when I want it. My flesh completely seperates from my Spirit. I stop feeding my stAnk flesh and my Spirit starts to gain strength. The only reason to fast (spiritually) is to grow closer to God. To become more sensitive to his spirit. It's a time where I may not have the energy to even think about doing what i want. Schedules? HA, they don't exist during this time. Working out? See ya in February. I strictly have to make sure I'm giving my day all to God. Even if it's laying in bed listening to Shane and Shane all afternoon. There is a freedom in no doing things for safety. "I have to eat or I'll feel sick" "I can't just live off of fruits and vegetables, I can't function at work". How do you know? When God sees your heart, he honors your sacrifice, He knows you aren't doing it just to sacrifice-you're doing it to draw close to him. I was extremely anxious about this time. Gary and I have put off fasting (we usually did it always on Wednesdays) just for this time. We wanted to give these 21 days our full attention. There's something powerful when the church does it all together. We are all believing God for so many different things individually-but as a unit, here is our list:
1. Spiritual Awakening to the power and presence of God
2. Next generation (youth/children)
3. Greater global missions impact and partifipation
4. building fund for our new church

As crazy as it sounds, that was on our list of things we were believing God for in 2008. #1 is our true true hopes. Throughout all of the gospels, people are being healed, by just a touch. If we have the supernatural power of Jesus in us, why can't those things happen now!? Pray with us that God's presence, not filtered presence, but his true and powerful and mighty and unstoppable presence saturates us as a church, community, and even a nation this year. As Christians we have the power in our faith!
So, starting Wednesday Gary and I will only be consuming fruits and vegetables. We're cutting caffine, sugars, breads, and meats. Our faces are in Daniel, reading over and over again how much stronger he came out after NOT eating of the King's food. If you feel led to fast, or are curious, here are some good scriptures to read over: Matthew 6:16-18, Matthew 9:14-15, Matthew 17:21, Jeremiah 15:16, Daniel 11:32, Proverbs 16:3, Isaiah 58:6, Acts 16:25-26 and Hebrews 11:6.

May the Joy of the Lord be your strength!

Maximized Manhood

2008-01-05T05:59:00.000-08:00

"Love is of God, and true love is always giving. God's love desires to satisfy the objects of his love. 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son' (John 3:16). God is love. Love gives. But lust wants to get. It is basically selfish. Love gives; lust gets. The entire direction of life differs between the two. The Israelites craved what they had in Egypt. Their feet were taking them to Canaan, but their hearts kept going back to Egypt. They were loves of pleasure more than lovers of God. You can tell today when men or women are lusting. They desire to satify themselves at the expense of others. By the same token, you can tell when they are loving, because they desire to satify their loved ones at the expense of themselves.
Idolatry is a value system that we create, in which we esteem something to be more worthy of our devotion, than devotion to God." -Edwin Louis Cole, Maximized Manhood

Zechariah 4:10

2008-01-04T06:37:00.000-08:00

I am afraid of beginning
Because I don't know how to end
But You told me
That the mountain before us would become a plain in our eyes
So i won't despise the day of small things....

I am afriad of believing
The plans that we made, seem so big
But you have SHOWN me
That we're never alone and your Spirit will stay by our side
So I don't despise the day of small things.... Alli Rogers

As this fast appoaches i start to get overwhelmed with the big picture. it's funny, in trials, God wants us to focus on the big picture....i start to question myself, can i do this....? will i catch everything God wants me to during this time? Will i be able to commit to this fast? Will i always choose you God...? I am afraid of beginning....
But then, His Spirit, that lives in me says, "you've committed your life to me, a life set apart, and you can do this with me" Then i remember from a while back my dreams i know he gave me. In Heaven, entering the gates, as the herd of people almost trample on me, people i know haven't followed God the way i have....then, his hand picks me up out of the crowd-and i enter a different way.
I don't know what you are going through today, or this week....but just stay fixed on him. There is such a difference. Not you and Him. But just Him. When I do this, I can't love what he hates, or do what he looks down on. I can't see myself the way others do-only the way he does....
Don't be afraid of believing...He's SHOWN you all you need. He's shown you you are never alone.
His voice sounds small-but when it enters your spirit-it feels so big. let Him romance you. Hold on, wait, these small things lead to what lies ahead. Don't enter the gates with the crowd, the way every other "Christian" does...
Be unshaken....confident....assured that you serve the most High God. The one who humbles by his love. Strips pride with his touch. Delivers you from the Lion's den. Justifies and defends for you.

Gravity

2008-01-03T04:16:00.000-08:00

This new year has been a great opportunity for Gary and I to share our hopes and goals. It's always so easy to come up with things we would like to do, but how often are those commitments met? This year, I don't want to let the force of gravity pull me down out of my commitments to God. There is a Shawn McDonald song called Gravity. I heard it this morning and it reminded me of Daniel.
The ways of this world are grabbing a hold
Won't let me go, won't let me fly byIt takes it's toll down on my soul
‘Cause I know what I need in my life
Don't let me lose my sight of You
Don't let me lose my sight
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me on down
I don't want to fall away from You
Gravity is pulling me to the ground
This world keeps making me cry
But I'm going to try, going to try to fly, going to fly high
Don't want to give into the sin, want to stay in You ‘til the end
Don't want to lose my sight of You
Don't want to lose my sight
I want to fly
Into the sky
Turn my back on this old world
Leave it all behind
This place is not my home
It's got nothing for me
Only leaves me emptiness
And tears in my eyes

I let gravity pull me down sometimes. I make a commitment to read my Bible or spend a certain amount of time with God just to honor and love him and I let the ways of the world (being busy, giving into lies in my mind, worldly comforts) draw me away from my Daddy. When i get distant, then i start to break down.
Daniel is such a great example of an unshakable man. In every circumstance he solely relied on God and his mystery. He didn't know why God gave him the power to interpret dreams or have favor with the Lord. He didn't waste time wondering why God chose his people to die in exile under the Babylonians. He lost his whole family and was forced to serve under a king who didn't respect his God, his way of life. They even gave him a different name. Well, the world gives me a different name, the world sees me different. "Rachael, you have made too many mistakes, you're too emotional, you need to look like this, weigh this much, have this job, make this amount of money, drive this car, Africa? What? They can take care of themselves...there's no hope in the youth, they're already messed up. why try?" It sounds ridiculous to ever type those lies!!! Why should i give in to such a world as this? I do that and I'm saying, but God, i believe them over you. Well, God, Satan is just louder, so he wins.
I don't want to just be any kind of Christian. I don't want to get so close and then choose to eat of the king's royal food just because everyone else does and it's "supposed" to make you better. I want to be set apart. Daniel was chosen, I believe, because he chose the life of being set apart. He first had to take that step, and then with every trial, he kept chosing to do the opposite of what the world did. In order to keep our commitments, we continually have to choose God's ways over our own. We have to humble ourselves and say, "Lord, I must remember that i know nothing in this area the way you do" and each time it will get better. Each time God will give us a little more wisdom, understanding, and knowledge (Daniel 1:17). When the times comes to be thrown into the pit, we'll be ready to say, "My God will save me, and if that is not His will, i'm better off because heaven is waiting". "This place is not my home, it's got nothing for me, it only leaves me with emptiness, and tears in my eyes".
God, grow me closer with you, help me keep my commitments to you, help me to always see the eternal picture. Lord you are such an amazing, loving, and merciful God. Your truth is always louder, always brings light to any amount of darkness. Help me to be unshakable. Help me to see the Rachael you indended me to be. Humble, striped of pride, able to submit, loving to even the most unlovely, and hated by Satan because my insides are so beautiful. Help all of us to see these things within ourselves. Help all of us to be so confident you can use us to build up our leaders in our lives, encourage those around us. Give worth to the lost and hurting. Turn the "world" upside down to see your ways!

back in the USA

2007-12-31T05:18:00.000-08:00

At our wedding, Gary and I decided we wanted our whole family to join us on our honeymoon cruise to Jamaica and The Grand Cayman Islands. In a nut shell, it was literally the first time i saw an answered prayer soooooooo in my face. Friends we invited who didn't know God, met him....intensely. We live with his sister and brother in law currently, in efforts to save money for Africa. THEY ARE SO GIVING AND LOVING!! THANK YOU LISA AND TARIK. Our lives couldn't be more blessed, i'm not kidding.
But during the cruise my god mother gave gary and i her time share in Saint Maarten for a week over Christmas...alone. We've never technically be alone. We were literally stranded on an island together alone. Left to do nothing!!! No laundry, cleaning the house, no internet, phone....i'm telling you sisters, God was using this time to grow us together and he used super glue. You wouldnt think he would have to do anything but whisper to us each day as we devoted our mornings to him. It was quiet and peaceful without us having to do anything to get it to be that way....but he YELLED. HE SCREAMED AT US! i don't say this because it was horrible growing pains or anything. but because it was so important what he was saying to us. i couldn't hide from it...i couldn't pretend not to hear. God wants me. Why do i so easily think the negative about myself. it effects everything i do. how i love. God was so gentle, i was floating in tears of his love all trip. he allowed me to see so much.....
I watched Gary grow....i observed. i battled with flesh...boy did i battle with flesh.
God's wanting to do things this year in 2008. Satan's trying to use me to get to Gary. He's attacking my thoughts, actions, attitude and even my dreams. All i've done is cry since i've been home. pray for me sisters. i know he's going to use it for good. i know he wants more from me. i know he could just pick up and use anyone else at any time, but he's given me this grace that i know he hasn't left me. pray for my husband. he loves god so much. he loves him with all his heart. he will drop anything for jesus and his cause. he attacks and conquers anything he tries. satan can't get to him unless it's through me. i don't know what my deal is....i feel spaced out and stretched in every direction and held on the ground...i'm going to soak in the word and pray i have the power to change and make the right choices (choose to hear the truth in my head and not listen to lies). pray for me please.......

I've been tagged

2007-12-31T05:09:00.000-08:00

01. One book that changed your life -obviously the Bible, but when i first got saved, it was a book a close friend passed to me called "A love worth giving" by Max Lucado.
2. One book that you have read more than once- Fight Like girl, Lisa Bevere
3. One book you would want on a deserted Island--anything by Joyce Meyer, but mostly reduce me to love. i say this because she is so good at captivating her thoughts, something that is over powering me right now.
4. One book that made you laugh- Granny Torelli Makes Soup, what can i say, i'm an elementary school teacher...

5. One book that made you cry? The Bible....
6. One book that you wish had been written- that's a tough one...
7. One book that you wish had never been written -
8. One book you are currently reading- the bible, in exodus right now...always reading that, but i'm in reduce me to love by joyce..
9. One book you have been meaning to read: one of john bevere's books. he's coming to our church at the end of our prayer and fasting time, and i wanted to read one of the books a missionary from africa told me to read but i forget the title...i have it written down here somewhere.

10: 5 people to tag:
Melanie, Susan, Sandy, Gail, and Nanette.

walking in righteousness

2007-12-21T04:47:00.000-08:00

there isn't a day that goes by that i rather be in a room with non-believers than a room full of people that call themselves Christians.
There isn't a day that goes by that i don't get offended sometimes at other's actions against the cause of Christ, the great commission.
there isn't a day that goes by where God gives me a chance to be patient with others and i fail...well, fail more often than succeed at being patient-sometimes i let my passion and love for God leak out of my mouth. "My Stupid Mouth" the song John Mayer sings about.
Being offended, impatient (even it it's for God), and unwise...hmmmm. Flesh much?

Maybe it's because i really didn't believe in God working through me.
WHAM!!! Here comes God's truth....
I was made in His image, righteous, blameless, favored upon, and GOOD. He used Noah. Noah didn't once use his surroundings as an excuse to act any different than that character of God. "But God if I just lived away from all of this," or "If i just didn't work in this god-foresaken place," or here's the best, "If this hadn't of happened to me".... God used Noah because of his faith and therefore made him a righteous man. He used Noah not only to build the ark, but to preach righteousness for 120 years!!!!

Gary bought me a princess day at our health club's spa.i was very grateful, but confused...what made gary go all out like this!?.....exfoliating scrub, stone massage, facial, pedi, manicure, hair done, and lunch...6 hours. i was uncomfortable the whole time...
the whole time, i was like wow, this was so thoughtful, i don't dieserve it-i can't believe he would spoil me like this...but then my spirit kicked in....you are not here for you. i'm telling you i was torn all day, after my massage i felt like throwing up-for a while, i thought i was pregnant or something, nausous and all.
when i got to a station where i could interact with the women, i knew then why i was there.
they so desperately want jesus...it hurt me inside. i didn't bring up church (maybe i should have :/ ) but this woman came right out and asked me where i went to church, "do you go Rachael?" i told them where and they said, oh but i'm ____________, you fill in the denomination name....everything under a religious heading. "i just don't know if i could break my family's tradition. this is when i am prompted to talk about africa-it gets them out of their own bubble...but i couldn't. she was looking for God, someone to listen to her, i believe. God listens to me all the time...unveiled i listened. God would your glory shine through that? faith....
just kept listening. which is something i struggle with. i like to talk, my passion leaks out. God's teaching me patience, at least i think so .
--- off to the next station to the nails and hair part.....
"YOu know what really kills me? We have hurting people here. Louisanna, Mississippi, LA, i just hate when we give all our resources to Africa." said the hair lady... You know i went on a short term mission trip to NY, the Bronx and wow was i blessed." (this one called herself a Christian, "Well i watch joyce meyer every day, i have spirit tv, all christian"...blah blah). i couldn;t come back with africa and going....just kept listening. offended....no, impressed no... just wondering, where was this going God?
maybe it was the massage that put me in a funk.
Finally after about 20 minutes of this, I felt released to say something.... "you know the bible, you know paul was a missionary, traveling from one hurt nation to the next. Why did god tell him to do that? why didn't he stay in his own country? why was jesus despised in his own town? Now look at africa. what nations surround it and what's the main problem there-orphans, children without parents....people that are most influential...are children looking for love, acceptance, hope...-and muslims surrounding africa on all sides. they are just waiting to bring up a generation to destroy America. They are even planting themselves next to college campuses here."
Wow, never thought of it like that....
"Even think of Jonah, god told him to preach to a country who was the worst of the worst. Do you think that it's easy for people to leave all their comfort here and go out into dangerous places to preach the gospel? But like Jonah, God used him regardless of what Jonah wanted....YOu know paul's life wasn't easy. And you know Jesus' life wasn't always on a high from God. It's easy to say what you are saying right here, in your comfort...."
She stood there. Not offended.
She just soaked it in.
I mean come on -she does beth moore studies... wink.
"and i understand why you are concerned about our country, i teach in the ghetto everyday. you talk to people only hoping you can mention jesus just once, to share your faith. that's your mission. but there is something here that protects us. there is a covering of jesus that if we want we can turn to a church, or CHOOSE what church to go to. other countries don't have that. and jesus wants it for everyone."
believers and non-believers all listening now...was this a salon?
"and my husband and i are leaving for africa one day. leaving everything, our jobs, things, family."
short term? a couple of months?
"no, as long as god tells us to stay"
oh....
stomach ache left...sick feeling cleared.
did she get it? no...i didn't have to worry about that...

but that's not the best part.

i get home and wait for gary. he asked me how it went, if i was totally relaxed, felt like a princess...his hopes for the day. i shared with him what happened. and he was like, "rachael, i almost didn't get that for you, i almost just cancelled the whole thing thinking it would feed your flesh-it would make you rely more on your comfort, but i said, 'God this is in your hands, i want her to feel beautiful and loved today, you handle it' and then i found peace. now i know why"

i think i have really accepted that i don't have to share the comforts of the world. as much as it tells me that i need this or that, God's spirit always comforts me way better....

"the lord is not slow to keeping his promise as some undestand slowness. he is patient with you not wanting anyone to perish, but to come to repentance.
Bear in mind that our Lord's patience means salvation" 2 Peter 3:9, 15

And again, God knows i rather be in a room full of non believers than a room full of people who call themselves Christians....that's why i serve in an area at church where i am not around the "Christians". but man, didn't know he would throw that in my face. and not once did i get offended. it was this confidence i never felt before. it was Him. and they knew leaving that i really KNEW God. i know it.

After 120 years, and only his family chose to get on the boat..you know right there that Noah didn't do it for himself. He didnt' do it with expectations that they would all get it and believe it just because he loved god so much. he just did it because God told him to and to do it with faith. Everyday, God gives us things to be wise, patient, and bold in. Not for us to win a certain number of hearts for his kingdom, but to just walk with him in the righteousness he made us for....

thanks for that God, i feel so close to you..no wonder Noah did it for 120 years...

unveiling ourselves

2007-12-19T05:39:00.000-08:00

"and we who with unvielded faces reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his lifekness with every increasing glory which comes form the Lord who is the spirit" Hebrews 10:35-36

unveiled....being real...the people of Israel couldn't even allow Moses to unveil himself after seeing God. The glory on his face was too much for them. I see that today when we as Christians challenge eachother. We get offended, defensive, angry. I too, am guilty of this.

how are we to be real with eachother, to live in community and love with eachother unless we are real? God made each of us perfect in HIS sight. He made us perfect with amazing gifts for us to use for him! not to give into a lie of the world that says, "you need to be like this," or "change this about yourself so you can do this". LIES. We need to start believing the promises of God over our lives in order to truly walk this journey out the way He wants us to. We can't do it our way. We can't do it without making mistakes. That's why it's so important that we do this together, as a community. Not so we can find out other's faults, use it against them so we can get ahead, and be alone at the top! We share eachother's struggles to gain strength in one another. Not so we are afraid to be judged.

When we are unveiled, we can truly reflect God's glory. We can truly say He is in control. We can then truly be transformed.

Please, so the next time someone challenges you (why do you watch this? why do you say this? why do you do this? aren't you a Christian?) don't get offended. open your heart and mind to His spirit. the thing that directs you into doing what's right, and allow yourself to see the truth behind it all.

You'd be amazed at the glory and rewards you receive from Him.

2007-12-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

you are everywhere God. Today is the last day before Christmas break. Yes I said Christmas Break, not holiday break. My students, well, about 7 of them are very limited English speakers. The other 5 have been here at least 2 years. Everyday this week, Jesus has just shown me even more that language won't keep him from loving people and bringing them to Him.
I've recieved pictures from one of my boys from Burma of Jesus on the Cross, and in English written, "God is love".
A card saying in their handwriting, "Jesus loves you".
We're reading the chapter book, "The best Christmas Pagent Ever" It's about a family of kids (who are also the bullies of the school) who somehow are led to go to church (they heard they get snacks if they go to Sunday school) and end up all being the main parts in the Christmas Story pagent. Well the catch is, they've never heard of the Christmas Story and heard it for the first time. Instead of doing it the way the bible says, they wanted to change it by killing Herod! can you imagine hearing the Christmas Story for the first time? Can you imagine? Well, it's the first time some of my kids are hearing it too. The great thing about the book is that the author never really tells you the outcome of the Christmas story until Christmas Eve when the whole church sees it (everyone in town showed up after hearing the family of bullies are staring this year). the kids in my class are on the edge of their seats to see how Jesus is either protected or killed by king herod. It's so crazy....i want to tell them, but throughout the week, they are soooooo loving and talking about baby jesus. Pray they get to know him as the Son of God. GO Jesus!!! We know you win!!!

....

2007-12-12T09:29:00.000-08:00

selfish, lost, out of control, hard headed, manipulative, easily offended, disrespectful.
when 1 was honest with God this morning, he showed me that i can be all of those things at once. at once......lord have mercy.
ouch.
God how do i share you? how do i love you more than my husband? how do i stop trying to do, and just be with you? how do i follow? how do i learn? how do i change?
a good friend told me that she was glad to encourage, but i had to hear life changing words from you.
lord i'm listening...i promise. i'm being still. let me catch up with you God. i just picture being all that you plan for me to be. the feeling of confidence...of knowing how you see me and not the world. you using me to speak life into others. can i ask for a perfect relationship with you? can i ask you for that God? if i put you first you say that the rest will fall into place. how do i do that without neglecting anything? show me lord. show me what you need to show me. i feel the transition, i know it's coming. my flesh is fighting it. strip me of this flesh lord. let me walk with you, that's it. just a walk. i want to be right by your side. i want to believe your love god. when i talk i want it all to be your words. allow me to let it all go and just have you.
thank you for strong women who love you and speak it into me. thank you for my husband who loves you more than life itself. thank you for your heart God and all you want to bless us with. and thank you for growth.

cont...

2007-12-11T04:57:00.000-08:00

"Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting hiliness out of reverence for God" 2 Corinthians 7:1

The thing that i never understood about Paul was how he never focused anything on himself. In jail, shipwrecked, beaten....i never believed it. I was just like, "whatever". I also never fully read my Bible everyday and allowed the Holy Spirit to speak to me as i read. I read even the Bible in a fleshly sort of way. Do you ever notice what your body naturally does in the flesh? Can you discern those things? I never asked God to help me discern those things. But i also wondered why he wasn't taking me to the next step, bringing me closer to him. "I do all these things God, what the deal?" Ha...man that sounds so horrible.
Now, the difference for me is allowing the holiness in my body. Letting it in, not just when things are good, but when they are crappy. Paul continues to tell us his joy, "I have great confidence in you, i take great pride in you, i am greatly encouraged, in all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds". He is overjoyed because he knows that we as believers can do it, if we allow the spirit to work within us. If we choose to do things only to purify ourselves. Serving out of obligation leads to bitterness. Helping others because we know we should leads to a life without joy. Doing things for others without heart leads to a life without Jesus. We do it in our own strength and will. Doing things in our flesh leads to a spiritless life.
We contract the "me disease". We do things that we think are for God, but really are when we want to do them, how we want to do them, and our bodies become contaminated.
we can't function the way God wants us to when we are full of ourselves (the nasty stinky flesh we carry). Next time I spend time with God i am going to completely keep my heart open to whatever he wants me to do. The next opportunity i am going to take it and run with it. No more excuses, justifications...
I am a Christian and that doesn't mean "little Rachael" it means "little Christ". I can strive in perfecting my holiness out of reverence for God. I can do anything with a pure heart for God. Paul was encouraged with people like us. If he, a Christian killing, heartless bag of flesh can change his ways, i know i can too.

"And hedied for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again" 2 Cor 5:15