Friday, December 01, 2006


I always thought that when i became a practicing christian, i could learn things without having to experience them, like, read some scripture on others' mistakes and "ok god, got that one, i'll bypass some future hurt now". that's true when we control our walk with god. we get in a situation, figure it out ourselves and then its over. but if we think and realize, that situation comes up over and over again. i feel like the past few weeks, i say things and don't even remember what i say to people, write things down and can't recall what i wrote them, but later people come up to me and are in tears and say thanks. as i study the fruit of the spirit, i've finally realized what it means when people say, "its god, not me". i controled so much, many components of my walk with jesus. especially when it had to do with my heart. my walk was all about me. as much as i served, studied, or even loved, i was ultimately doing it for myself. you see, god refines our faith through our hearts. Paul says without love, faith and hope mean nothing. without love (the love of jesus, the kind he displayed) the works we do, and situations we create mean nothing. think about living your whole life never knowing what love is really about?!!! the fruit of the spirit can only be exercised if we allow the HOly spirit in us. you see we don't have the capacity or formula to have the true love (agape in hebrew) to do it on our own. we have eros love, which means in hebrew "selfseeking, selfish love" it can be compared to the physical love, sex, whatever will make us feel better. i thought about that for days. had i only really knew how to love that way? noooo, i served my butt off in church and i did it for god! did i? did i do it for god to do a back flip? god NEEDED me to serve because it made his day better, he needed me! oh my gosh guys, it was a total revelation when i realized that God doesn't need me nor does he judge where i serve, let alone where i worship Him. he doesn't care about what church it is, he just wants me to have a passion for his presence. john talks about God's presense in revelation-he can't even pick his head off the floor! to me, its saying, man rach, god wants to use you, but only if u let him be used through you, not you doing it. not in your own strength. its all about letting his love control our actions. how do we love the unlovely? how do we love all whom have hurt us. the western church preaches with all this pride-and its not about us or what we do. god will get it done regardless. its all about whatever our ministry is, by setting it up in a way to be replaceable. be replaceable. disciple through love and example and if god leads you to leave somewhere, make sure by your example that someone else can take over, not in their own way, but through the same vision-further his kingdom through His love! i see so many people in ministry who control so much they are responsible for. it's not about what we do, how hard we work, because if its not done with excellence in LOVE, then god doesn't want it. like when he told His 12, your miracles mean nothing to me, even when u say them in jesus name, i will say i never knew you....because they were still doing it in their own strength, for their joy. we get that so mixed up. yes god wants us happy, but he wants us to get Him. love and understand him. my way of even remotely getting it is by saying, dang god, you are bigger than i can imagine, you are bigger than my heart, like your word are bigger than my issues, show me how to love more, love someone though me god. use me to love someone-lovely, annoying, unlovely, whatever. being willing, always being willing. that's what (agape) love is all about