Living FOR the Moments..seeing truth....realizing my purpose

As I drove to work this morning, i was reflecting on the past few months. I've been putting off reflecting for a while. God's calling me to be something outside my comfort zone...He's calling me to really seek out what He wants for my life. This season has been a lot of struggle, a lot of wonder, and a lot of whining to God (on my part)...God showed me that even though he purposely made this a tough season of testing, I tend to make it tougher than it is....by fighting (still doing what he wants) but fighting it....God demanding one thing, and I choosing to believe it's another....
It's so easy to look back to the beginning and then quickly skip past each day only to focus in on where we are at now. Don't we all want to skip over our bad attitudes or whinny questions we asked God? I find when I do that I easily forget all that God has taught me THROUGH it. he's been showing me to surrender to His will. He's been showing me that when I picked up my cross, i forfeited what I thought He wanted.
Ever since John Bevere came and spoke his messages on Honor's Reward and Driven By Eternity, the words of his messages ring in my ears. All that we ever do, without the full heart set that we're doing it for the expansion of His kingdom, will be taken to Him like wood and straw and burned right then and there. Am I doing what God wants? Or in my case, I did what he wanted but battled him almost all the way through it. that's all I can think about....if i skip past each moment I spent (truthfully) struggling and wanting to give up, I can easily forget that unless I get my heart on straight what I do means nothing.
This whole time I've focused on my job....my gift is teaching. IAnthough, in every prayer, God never calls me Teacher Rachael. That's never how he sets me apart. The past 5 months I've been pushing so hard in my job, working on my character, attitude, and integrity towards my co-workers, boss, and students. But it's never settled, i haven't found a peace. Teaching is my comfort, i enjoy it so much....i love kids, i love learning, and i love growing....it's task oriented, and that's so easy to me. everything is planned, on paper and I know what to expect......even when we thought we were leaving for Africa, I was comfortable because my focus was on teaching.
but my calling isn't to be a teacher first....
One of our friends, Big John, wrote for the title of his recent post "HeMotions". He wasn't referring to the TD Jakes message, but it reminded me of when I first watched it with Gary, and just reading the title reinforced this revelation. If you haven't read the book or seen the DVD, it's about how the devil isn't trying to destroy women, but he's using women to destroy men-because they are the head. "Woman,you need to be like this to be successful" or "Don't let him tell you that, you're right"...it is way deeper than just that-but in every situation, i've felt the testing of that concept. More testing than anything in my job, serving at church, or with friends...
Yes, as a teacher, I can influence SOOO many kids to follow the lord, and I know I will. But what if I could support my husband in the most supernatural way and he brings thousands of people to God who bring thousands more...those people count for me too!God's truly calling me to be a wife. I'm talking about complete opposite of anything the world labels as a wife. The kind of wife that other women whisper about because they don't understand. And if you know me, you realize that this is opposite from anything i've ever known. my mom WASN'T that growing up-i've never seen it before. the kind you read in proverbs, the kind paul urges us to be throughout all his letters. I never want to face God at my judgement and have him tell me that i never fulfilled the role as Gary's wife like He called me to. Could you imagine? He doesn't call us to be lukewarm in anything....
God needs his daughters to know their value, honor their bodies, and learn what true respect is so our men can flurish. I know that when God calls me forward, he's going to say "Wife Rachael-you fulfilled my purpose for you (it was shaking in the beginning) you allowed your husband to flurish in his purpose, you didn't hold him back and he was able to reach people i wanted him to". To me, that is way better than being right, having worldly "success" or trying to figure out what "equal" is between man and woman.
When I first got married i thought being a good wife was my daily checklist of tasks to accomplish. Laundry, dinner, cleaning, etc. Little by little He's showing me what Gary needs. And praise God, Gary is in tune with the Godly roles. He's always holding me accountable and encouraging me by telling me how God sees me as a wife. This has been so hard for me to sink into my role. I want to justify not making the right choices by saying I've never seen a Godly wife, or it's too hard, i'm not good enough...
So anyways, I guess i wanted to share this with you because we all sometimes get confused on what our calling is. It all goes back to the moments we spend with God, and through each season we face. I fought it all season, no God, I'll try harder here, or get more parents involved-but God never allowed it...my focus first needs to be on Him and what He wants-and that's fulfilling my Godly role to Gary. So any suggestions would be great. It's really hard finding a woman like described in Titus. But thank goodness God's given me a lot to work on so far...like my anger (self control), thanks to Lisa Bevere bringing that one out and making me face it! It's funny how much marriage brings out the ugly things we need to face (anger, selfishness, you name it). So I just encourage you to focus on each moment. Live for opportunities to work towards your purpose. We want to have full rewards in heaven!