Friday, October 14, 2005

does this make sense?

"I guess you could call it a relationship. Well a relationship that you would see walking down the street. You know what I’m talking about. They’re holding hands one minute and then pushing each other away; the typical modern-day, convenient relationship. She always believed He was there, there was no doubt. She just listened when she wanted to (even though when she looks back, all the signs were there) and ignored when she felt like it. The girl had complete control. Control over what she did, the people she came in contact with, her whole life basically. She lived based on how she felt.
The only word that can be given to describe her life prior to truly finding Him, was well, lost. She was 100% lost. She didn’t take the straight and narrow path, or the road less traveled. She more or less wandered into what fell into her lap next. But there were so many things she succeeded in! Great athlete, tons of friends….. She thanked Him for them (but FELT deep down that she worked hard to earn them). God owed them to her. The tragedies she faced with boys, sports, and her self all added up, and well, she deserved a few good things here and there. I mean she did work hard.
But who was there to turn to? Her friends were the same way. The ones who could have really helped, well, she didn’t want to be around them. She felt like they were judging her. When in actuality, they could have helped her, she was just afraid to face what she had done with herself. Then this tiny, quiet voice spoke up in the back of her head….it would happen when she would look in the mirror, or when she would see a child. The voice felt like a pull. The kind of pull that makes your heart burn, like it is sweating. When the beautiful voice just would start to get louder, something else happened. Another feeling would arise. The kind of thing that would make her feelings disappear and seem to make her situations easier. She didn’t have to deal with anything when this feeling came over her. It was a hidden pull. It would only come around when she was alone. When she had hard choices to make, or things to deal with. It seemed so much more fun than the other stuff. It made her want to live for today, not think about tomorrow.
Life kept passing though. Her life was being lived. Graduating college, getting her first real job, being responsible! Turning into what she thought everyone expected her to be. She was in love, she was on her way. Maybe God really wanted her to get married and have kids like she always dreamed of when she was a little girl. But somehow it wasn’t the same image. The love she FELT and the love she remembered wanting didn’t add up. Being happy wasn’t the same in her dreams.
Remember that tiny voice? It was almost non-existent. She was happy sometimes and sad most of the time. When she was happy, that strong pull, took her down and led her to unhappiness again. She blamed people for everything and never once looked at herself. She stopped looking in the mirror. She made excuses. Kept her mind busy all the time so she didn’t have to think about what her life was turning into. That hidden dark pull started taking over her life. She had forgotten what the beautiful voice had sounded like…
Until, the final tragedy hit the stage. What she had surrounded her life around turned into flames. A loving, trusting marriage wasn’t in her future. Kids? Forget about it. And that deep pulling voice, well it turned into a laugh. Not a laugh where everyone is laughing with you, but the kind where all the fingers are pointed at you. She thought it was all taken away because she wasn’t worth it. Her deepest fear of not meeting up to a standard or everyone’s expectations was revealed. Her life came crashing down.
People say sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realize a change needs to be made. People could tell her a million times what she should have done, but she wasn’t ready to hear it. It took hitting the gutter for her to get on her knees and scream out to God….”WHY?” She had never learned that He actually talks back!
It hit her like a brick. “This life isn’t for you” He said. “I’ve been trying to talk to you, but you wouldn’t listen”. She was still afraid, why should she let go? The hurt was real, the pain was like a stab in the gut. Eventually she crawled out of her shell, and opened her ears to that beautiful sound she remembered as a child.
From that day on, every time she called out, he let it known he was there. At each encounter He came in right through her front door. He wanted a real relationship with her. He demanded it even. All her desires in one way or another he provided for her through Him. She was fulfilled, satisfied, HAPPY. It wasn’t a rollercoaster ride…it was a constant feeling of completeness.
Her only struggles now are wishing she would have listened sooner. She understands how important it was to make those mistakes because now she will never turn back. That voice full of glory and love is all she can hear. Yes, she still battles, but they are easier now that she has her prince of peace. That’s all she needs…little by little she gains her strength, strength to choose the road that will only lead her closer to Him. This time with no detours down dark, hidden paths."