I haven't written on my blog in a while...its almost like i can't put my thought into words lately. (Just typing those two sentences was hard). God has been working in me so hard lately. I'm so amazed with what he's doing i can't even write about it, but i'm going to try. I left my house yesterday (in tampa) feeling sorry for myself because my brother and father left to golf without saying goodbye. I say i was feeling sorry for myself because in reality, they didn't realize i was leaving early. They didnt do it on purpose, but poor Rachael made it that way in her head. As i drove it just kept getting stronger and stronger. Questions like, "do i really fit in my family?" as much as i love them and they love me,can you believe i was saying that inside? then, that night, i went to a homeless shelter in downtown jax and saw mothers with 4 to 5 children sitting around a table so thankful that they were together. They didn't care that the food was crap or anything...just sitting around a table enjoying themselves. i watched a little boy who must have been 5 or 6 makes sure his brother ate his half of an apple. i am so thankful i got to witness that. it takes me back to before my brother and i became so competitive, how we treated eachother. we looked out for eachother and would play together all the time. so anyways, i woke up this morning feeling very weak hearted...i called my mom in hopes she would say something loving and motherly...and then BAAAAM...God started working. She said the most amazing words to me. I was like, is this my mom? it wasn't her typical, hey it will be ok, Cj is just finding out who he is, blah blah blah...it was, hey God's working in him Rae, be patient and let Him work it out. My mom has never done that before. i know this sounds so stupid, but my tears instantly dried up...i've been praying that my mom would start seeking God's strength. she didn't quote the bible or anything (and i never would expect her to) but it was exactly what my heart needed to hear...i wiped up my tears and looked at myself in the mirror and was like, dang girl stop being stupid and let God take over...why wouldn't God answer my prayers, ya know? he has for everything else! in the end, i've come to realize that i'm just retarded and that's it. i blame it on growing up and unable to accept change easily, but really, its me being retardedly selfish. i've been blessed 100 times over from what i should be...i can honestly look at my life and be like, why would i want to be anywhere else with anyone else? the grass is perfectly green right here y0...LOL..so after all that, i went for the best run, on the best day...then went to my spot on the water and thanked God for His plan for me and all he's blessed me with. Thanks God for placing me in this exact place at this exact season...i never want to overlook how you are working in me...i'm such a better person with you in my life.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
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I identify with much of what you write. I struggle to let go and let God. I used to believe if I did that, I didn't care. But today I see it is about trust than not caring. Also, I didn't know how to trust him. Today it is as simple as getting worried, not reacting, sending up a prayer, and then getting my mind on something else (going for a run, reading, calling a friend, praying for something else, etc.). I am so glad that you are learning to not fix people but to trust God in this. I find freedom because of this today. God knows if I were in charge I would screw things up. I'm glad I'm not in charge. You know what else? I'm grateful for boundaries. I understand today (maybe not tomorrow though) that I'm limited and I need God's strength. I need to protect myself and be careful with who I get close to. God is in perfect unity with himself. He does not anything or anyone. He created us and loves us out of a fullness of Himself. He can do all things. I can't. So I let him. Thanks for letting me comment. Love you beauty queen!
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