Sunday, November 06, 2005

That's what i love about Sundays..

5 years ago i lost someone in my life that meant a lot to me. I never thought that i would think about her as much as i do each and every day. I never understood why God decided to take such a perfect person in my eyes. I tend to think about her more when i'm driving home from church, or learned a really good lesson in my devotional. i realize now as i walk down my journey of christianity, that other than god of course, Stacey has been my rock. I was 18, on my own, ready to take on the world, do whatever i wanted, move 2,000 miles away for school, when she got sick. i thought to myself, my hero can't be sick? she's my force, she's the reason i know i can do what i'm doing, she's real...she'll be fine! kind of like thinking your parents will never die, they'll be there forever. even when i would make the mistakes i did, i thought about what she would say to me, and how much she would care for me. and the day of her funeral, i drove back to my dorm and thought about how short life is, and how i'm going to start over...but i never did. i continued to go against god head on...when i thought about what had happened, why god picked stacy, i would go to my "friends" and they would just hand me a beer, and tell me to forget about it. i never accepted why he took her and not me. i guess that was my immaturity in many ways, or me knowing i wasn't honoring god, so i should be the one to go. i know now that god doesn't work like that. he doesn't want anyone to suffer, just learn...i'm so thankful for do-overs, so blessed to know that He is giving me a second chance to do something for someone. its funny how i was having a pretty meloncholy day, and then expressing what was on my heart has really put me at peace. i usually have a smile or a burst of energy when i'm surrounded by people, but i felt lost today. i really miss her. i think what i miss even more is her attitude. the attitude i want to have everyday. she was so positive, even when the doctor would say there is a good chance, stacey, you're looking good, and then walk in the next day and say, we missed something stacey, how about another round of chemo...she would look at us and say, hey, no biggie, whatever is going to work! even now, when i drive home, like today, something made me put in a certain cd, and low and behold her song was on there. god knows i've been feeling so empty, and when i heard her song, i remembered that she wanted pat to play that song at her funeral, so everyone would know she was ok, and that god was going to take care of her. i know god's working her hard up there, if she's looking down on me, that's a job just saying it! she has been such a strong force in my life, i just want stacey to know that i'm going to continue on my journey, and be my best. from the volleyball court to the classroom, i always pray that she's watching. i'm trying girl...keep smiling down on me