Tuesday, December 13, 2005

A feeling of....

As many of you know or have read on my previous blogs, I love the book Captivating. There are so many reasons why i love it...first, it brought my mom and me closer in a spiritual sense, second, i can totally relate to stasi eldredge's philosophy, and finally, its the type of book i could read over and over and still learn something new each time i read it. I'm doing that now...i've joined a "Captivating" bible study with some girls from my church. i bought the workbook that goes along with the book, and have been filling it out chapter by chapter. each week we discuss a new chapter. we talk about the major points, but this book is so DEEP, that i don't think an hour bible study does it justice...i know the girls in my group can agree. In chapter 4, it really focuses on sharing the story of our lives with people we trust. people we see in our lives from now until the end. she suggests doing this because of the powerful impact it will have on how you see yourself in the "now". also, she mentions (and this is so obvious) that you cannot truly understand someone and their walk (as they cannot of you) if you don't let them in. We live and act and hide and sin in ways that are a result of the story of our lives. In order for us to really find the healing and the life that God wants for us, we need to understand our own story, and we can do that by sharing it with the ones we so trust.
I've been feeling very convicted lately because i haven't shared my story with the one(s) i trust the most. i almost feel like an imposter, even though i know i am not. i guess the "imposter" feeling comes from the wall i've made for myself that is built up between me and my friends. things i've been feeling and experiencing with God almost don't seem concrete because i haven't shared my whole walk with my close friends (and family). my journey (which for me has been unreal-walking side by side with God) is missing something. my loved ones haven't been able to enter that jouney fully because they don't know where i have walked before, where i came from.
i know i shouldn't fear telling them about my history....and i have been praying that god gives me the strength and wisdom AND courage to speak....i know that it won't be perfect either...i can't plan what i will say...i'm just praying that God takes over and gives me the words so others can understand...and it be positive.
you are probably wondering why i brought this up...well, my life has been happening in a way i've never known it to be. i'm happy all the time, i work hard because i want to do well, not because i'm trying to be the best, and i'm content, i'm not seeking for the next best thing. i have been spending many hours reflecting back on my old ways...i think my mistakes were the cause of selfishness...always wanting more, and thinking i can get it on my own. the world says, your mistakes are a result of lack of love from your parents...that's a load of...well in my case, i have the most loving parents....they trusted me to do the right things and make good decisions...but i didn't. i based my decisions from feelings and needs. not on what was right, because what was right was way harder to do that what was wrong...dealing with what was wrong was way harder to do than if i were to have done what was right. i was way too immature to admit that.

God really has been showing me that this "second chance" (that's what i've been calling it) at a good life has been totally blessed. people i haven't talked to in YEARS have been placed in my life here and there. i've been getting the chance to hear their stories and even apologize to some of them for my behavior in the past. i may have made mistakes towards them in the past, but god's given me a chance to ask for their freakin amazing is that?
God has always known my deepest desires, to be seen as a loving, caring person who would totally do anything for anyone....even when i was betraying God, going against all that was right, my heart still ached and i knew He was dying for me to stop. i thought by always doing what others wanted, i was being that loving, caring person....God knew i was only tricking and cheating myself.
i realize now, now that the light has been shed...i'm not standing nor afraid to come out of the dark, that no matter what, God's plan for me will never stop. Everything He wants for me will happen. I've learned that (Acts14:22) that in order to enter the kingdom of god, we must go through many hardships...i want to enter that kingdom with no more regrets, fronts, or fears...each day he reveals to me more strength that will build up to that moment when i decide to share.
I'm going to end with a quote i've been saying over and over in my head, whenever i think about someone not understanding my story....
a wise man once said:
"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." C.S. Lewis