Monday, December 11, 2006

Dear God

Dear God,
Why? Why do you use me only to show me that I can fail? I just got done thinking last night that you never allow satan to attack me at school. Qais is finally behaving like a 5th grader, where before i would be so stressed out by him. You changed that. Then, you take the horrible man out of Diane's life, ask me to love her, and then not even a month later, have that idiot come back to her. Why? I know that seeds were planted. I know that its all you...i know that you are prepping me for missions, a lot of failure...but God why? Do you not think i believe you? or are you trying to show me that i'm not cut out for this? its easy to be fake god. its so easy to do what everyone else is doing. its so easy to fall into babylon's game. i want you all the time. i want you every second. i do god. i want to see your glory shine in people all the time. i want it to shine in me in my own relationships. i feel useless and that's right where the devil wants me. i know its not the end of the world. i know its not anything huge. but you made me emotional. u gave me aheart to care. you gave me a heart to mourne for them. why do i care what anyone thinks? why do i care? this is why i sheltered myself from US missions. people are so dumb here! i was so dumb! at least in africa they have nothing, and know what that's like to give it over to you! here i struggle with giving things over to you...not material, but parts of me that i am afriad to change. vulnerablilty. i hate being picked at. i dont' want anyone to see my faults. but that makes more of me and less of you. help me change, why am i like this god? i just wnat to do your will. why am i like this?