Monday, April 02, 2007

falling off the edge

"i am not skilled to understand, what God has willed, what God has planned"
meet God, live my life for Him, get married, go to Africa, have kids, spread the Gospel, love on some kids, die.
that's all i wanted. that was the PLAN.
my plan.
if i just get through this, endure this, fight through and muscle up this....its all for God right?! live on the edge, whatever you want God. TAKE TAKE TAKE IT ALL. boy, i had no idea what that meant. God heard those requests. I asked him to show me what i needed to see. but then, he gave me circumstances to test me in and i couldn't even handle two minutes of them. his word said he would give me the desires of MY heart. little did i realize that when i took him on in my life, to lead, he gave me a heart like his.
that turned my world upside down. things around me tested my patience, showed me how prideful i am, and how much more i need to serve, especially when i don't want to or feel like it. not only did i realize i was living on the edge, but God showed me that i needed to fall off the edge. throw my plan out the window, it was keeping me on the edge.
He took me through quite a drought-and i was wandering. i was focusing on my circumstances and putting so much pressure on myself to change. I lost who i was. I lost my vision. I lost my relationship with God. Thank God for the Bible, thank you JESUS FOR YOUR LOVE! Seriously, i feel like on Monday, i woke up a completely different person. He kept pushing me, he never gave up on me. He instilled in me hope for myself. I didn't need to talk about it with people. I didn't need to find a group. I didn't need to do a million bible studies. my quiet times have so just been communication. he's teaching me to open up with him, reveal the truth in my life, and see things in a mature way. I love knowing that he trusts me. I love knowing that i don't have to be ashamed of what has me at times, but that i can be confident in him. that i don't have to do things the way so and so has done them to be right with god. that i can seek his advice (which will not come to me over night every time). that not all growing is hard. that not all mistakes are bad. that, like Pastor said "enjoy the journey". that i can sit in church and relax knowing that i don't have to get defensive with God about HOW he wants me to apply it to my life. that i don't have to focus on SO MANY THINGS WRONG WITH ME.
joyce meyer wrote:
"The proud man is full of himself, while the humble is full of God. The proud woman worries while the humble waits"
I struggle with pride and patience. Awesome right!!? I am not above it, and i never want to pretend like it's not there. i have learned not to focus on how i struggle, but focus on God and how he teaches us to overcome those things.
God is teaching me to believe not just know! He's teaching me to open my eyes, not just assume or hope. He is showing me to obey ESPECIALLY when it doesn't makes sense, when it seems too tough, or when i really REALLY don't want to do it. i say i do that, but i have to get on my knees every morning and ask him to help me overcome my flesh and my plan. I believe that the devil will give up on me when he SEES me not giving in to his lies.Satan is going to see me mobilize when God commands me to do something, not rationalize...for example, i used to pray in bed and say, "well i'm praying at least" then i would fall asleep! I get my butt out of bed every night and even if i don't have anything to say, MAKE SURE from the deepest part of my heart to thank him!!!
Deuteronomy 7:22 "And the Lord your God WILL clear out those nations before you, little by little, you man noy consume them quickly, lest the beast of the field increase among you!" those beasts!!!? HELLO PRIDE! that scripture alone has me on my face!
God has started a good work in us! We must and will always allow him to bring 'em to full completion!!! We do that by desplaying our faith, our belief in Him and his power!
don't fear falling....its where he wants you.