Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Do you know what it is like to love something so much and then meet someone who deep down, when you truly see it for what it is, they love that thing more than you? I thought i loved jesus more than anyone. I thought my heart was so inlove with God. He knew i would do anything for him. If he said Peru, i would drop everything and go there. If he said the slums of Africa i would go. If he said the ghetto of Jacksonville, i would stay. Even when people would talk me out of what God was telling me with their "what if" crap, i still did it for god. no hesitation, perfect peace, i did it. my life started not making any sense when Gary got into the picture. he started showing me things that i didn't think needed to be given over to god. i thought i was fine. but then he came. God put him in my life and i couldn't get him out of my head. i tried to say we were just supposed to be friends. i was in love with another man (jesus) and did'nt need anything or anyone else. but there was something about him. he had so much confidence and peace. my life was so used to organized chaos that his peace felt so nice to be around. but it was more than that. it took me over a year to figure it out-well to admit to it: he loves jesus more than me. he fits his role in our relationship as the leader than i ever could. the world told me to be strong, don't give up the competition of being the best, of who loves God the most. but God couldn't let me do that anymore. he couldn't let me limit my relationship and love capacity for Him to a competition. i can't believe He put him in my life. i can't believe i have a protector, leader, best friend, counselor, lover, and fan all in one person. our hearts are the same, we want the same things, but yet we are so different, well complete opposite in fact. this is by far the hardest relationship i have ever been in, but i know God is and will continue to prepare us for what lies ahead. grass mats as beds for africa!? sure. being uncomfortable in situations? bring it. testing our patience? what's new! i know i can do anything with God, he just gave me a gift that has turned my efforts into team efforts-and someone i can share them with, and he'll love me no matter what. thank you jesus!