Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Home Sweet Home

I have never felt so humble and unworthy before in my life. I've never really seen my reflection in the mirror so flawed and blemished. God truly doesn't need us, he'll always move on to the next person and hand the blessing on to give them the opportunity to move 'em closer to Him. I've never felt so exhausted to stay in the opportunity-what I mean is, I've never tried so hard to make sure I'm doing it His way, and not my own.
On Thursday night, Gary and I left for Tampa. We asked Daniel, one of gary's installers in jacksonville, to join us. Daniel has worked for Gary for years. gary's begged him to go to church, but Daniel never would show up (for about 3 years)...until about 8 months ago. He's been to church every weekend....Gary saw this as an opportunity for Daniel's servant heart to come out...We wanted to use the long weekend to truly spend quality time with my family and love on Daniel. My mom really wanted Gary to help her remodel her bathroom. Gary saw it as an opportunity to truly grow close with my mom. The crazy thing is-and I see it even more as I type, but the desperation that Jesus has to love my mom. Each moment was an opportunity to wrap His arms around her.
Gary spent weeks rounding up materials and scheduling installers to do this makeover. He found the nicest, highest quality tile for it. It was a lot of stress on his part, and a lot of sacrifice money wise for us. It was awesome that Daniel gave up his whole weekend to help Gary too.
Gary and Daniel were working the WHOLE time. My role was to spend time with my parents. They couldn't handle not being allowed to do anything. They were going crazy. They were out of their comfort zone. Couldn't be too busy to not think about what was happening. They wanted to even up the playing field by buying us this or taking us here. We wouldn't let them. They wanted to do so much for us, but we wouldn't let them. We just asked for time. We just asked for them to visit us. Before they always had an excuse-dad had to work that weekend or mom had a golf tournament.
They couldn't believe all that we had done for them without asking for anything in return (except food!). My dad, mom and I went for a long walk and they just poured out their hearts to me. For years I had always tried to please them, never thinking i was good enough...I turned into a prideful, miserable creature. Mixed emotions on what God wanted for me and what people thought I should do. Never really being confident in anything. On the walk, my dad would not stop talking and thanking us. He said so many humbling things about Gary and how it was God who brought us together-and Gary being my greatest gift. That's all i needed, these words were not my dad's. They were a reminder from God of how blessed I am. I felt like that soldier in the Bible who said he wasn't worthy to have that lowly carpenter in his house...I couldn't help but tear up...all of it has been worth it. The hard times, the trying times, the sad times, the times when I want to quit. that moment made them all worth it.
The end of the year at work is always hard. teachers complain big time, kids misbehave, and the "to do" list is never ending. I want to fall into that. My natural wants to just slip into that mode, but then I think of this weekend. I got to see two servants so after God's heart, so doing it for God-and not my parents. No complaining-nothing. Even the four hour drive in an old moving van with no air conditioning. I saw two grown adults changed forever. Their hearts softened, their worlds invaded by the most high God.
I know this song is old, but it came on yesterday. It fired me up. It made me just want to get dirty and stay after it...It kept me humble. Lord always keep my heart humble and pure.

"Worlds Apart"

I am the only one to blame for this?
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart


sammie said...

Its the Young Life moto,"Earn the right to be heard." Great story Rach. If it wasn't for Jesus you could never keep up the pace. We see people all the time come into serve for their own purposes and they just fall off. Send my love to Gary

Gail said...

All i can say is that this post has taken all words away! It speaks!
How awesome your weekend was and how great is our God!
I relate in so many ways, so many that i can't even begin to say! I am there with you!
Love ya,