Shine 2010

For the past 5 years I have been carrying around the same journal when I attend Shine. God put it on my heart to write in it when I learned new things about being a Godly woman. God then spoke it to me to write it to my future daughter. I would take it on mission trips and conferences. And last night at Shine, I heard the most life changing message by a man named Jentezen Franklin. I was writing it down in my journal to Abbey and realized that for the first time, after all these years of writing, I could feel what God wanted me to do. I felt a strength in my purpose like I never felt before. DOn't get me wrong, Shine has had some life altering messages...Lisa Bevere prayed over our wombs one spring and the next month I was pregnant with Abbey! Last night stirred up a passion, a fire. What if God was trying to use me and I was so blind to the fact because I didn't believe it? I didn't believe about HOW he wanted to use me. I ask and ask and ask...
I truly with all that I am want to be a stay at home mom and focus my life on my family-but for whatever reason-outside influence, the world's view, whatever had caused me to think that it wasn't powerful enough, it was impactful enough-so I went back to work and every day I struggle to be and do it all. Even when I read Christine Caine's book (which is AMAZING-by the way)about having and doing it all, God was whispering, but i wasn't confident in what I was hearing....
I can't get myself to be excellent in raising and nurturing my family because I'm focusing on my job, and I can't be excellent in my job the way i know i can because I'm focusing on being there for my family. I feel pulled and guilty in every direction-but after last night's message-I feel like i'm missing out on what really matters-fighting for my family!!! My job is so important-I want to give it all I have. I want to utilize this summer to be everything to Gary and Abbey. I'm not going to let the outside world sway me into thinking that that position is not impactful enough. I've never felt so compelling to grow closer to God and seek his wisdom! I want Gary's purpose to flourish so bad-and I know that if i can be there for him 100% (in mind, body, and spirit) then he will have extra encouragement he needs to do so. How do women have energy and time to have a full time job and also feed what is necessary to their family spiritually? I have only been back to work for 9 months now and i'm already burned out-and thinking if i kept this up after more kids? They all would just get the left over love...but every woman has a different calling and can handle it. I just know for me, after we have our next baby I am staying home. Wow, that scared me to write that-but I know it's a good scare and it's what God wants from me. Lord let me never forget last night's message....I'm going to do everything I can to keep the purposes of God my focus for what He wants from my life, my vapor of a life. Abbey will one day read my Shine journal and I hope that it encourages her to follow God's will for her life-but I also know now and have the courage now to show her through my life...