Friday, July 12, 2013

"Randall, party of 5"

The blogging world has changed let me tell you! My last post was a year ago and I haven't been on since! A friend of mine started a blog and it reminded me of how much I really love writing down a timeline of journal entries so I decided, lets get back on the saddle! Brief catch up: still and wife and mommy, but now we are expecting our first son in a month! I get a little anxious thinking about eventually hearing, "Randall, party of 5". I guess today's entry can all be related to that idea. The anxieties that wait for me and how I plan to overcome them. So here is a little background.....I decided a few months ago to take a yet off from work. I left an amazing school where I felt extreme success as a teacher and person. I made some great friends and I was soooooo comfortable! I could have seen myself coming back from child birth after 3-4 months and still being on top of my game. Over the past 3 years my husband has been working vigorously to reach the top of the company he works for and has been very successful. But with that has given me the role of a multi hat parent. I know other parents out the have full plates as well, I'm not complaining, but I throw this in bc it has forced me to be very organized and find my strengths in turmoil and stress. There isn't a day that goes by that Gary doesn't praise me for my contribution. I'm My worst enemy. Always pushing to perfect and I get very depressed when I feel like I'm failing that I make myself believe that everyone is as down towards me as I am. Anxiety 1: not being good enough. How do I tackle it? Be aware that I am the only one who thinks that. Look in my girls' eyes and see God's perfection and contentment. See how relaxed my husband gets just by my touch. Remember my friends' comments about my good attitude and carefree spirit. God has given me so many people and opportunities to see with my own eyes that the only thing perfect in this situation is the love He blesses me with through others. Anxiety 2: not teaching for a whole year (if I make it that long!) but the more i sit and think about it I don't think it's the teaching that will really bring me back, although I do love what I do. It's being with my kids and taking the responsibility for their well being, learning, walk with their faith, and shaping who they are day in and day out. I'm their mother, teacher, counselor, protector, provider, etc every minute of the day now! That's what preschool and early learning teachers are for! Ahhhh! That freaks me out! I patient but am I THAT patient? How do I tackle this fear? Remembering truth that I have read over and over in every book every person I come across: I am the best person for them. There is strength in that responsibility! Yes, our children show our flaws, expose our sins, reveal our weaknesses. Scary! Uncomfortable! I have fought selfishness with myself every day with my girls. God is slowly breaking me down. This will be a winning battle! I just have to strap my laces a little tighter and step up to the plate. My children will also possess my strengths as well! Anxiety 3: who will I become? My husband's favorite quote from Art of War is, the battle is already won or lost before it has started" I can't let me worries and fears stop me from being amazing. I can't let comparing myself to super moms out there who make their own food from scratch out of their huge gardens intimidate me! I must be confident in who I am and go from there. I always fell back on my job as who I was, but frankly I'm not that great of a teacher. I'm a great motivator, encourager, lover. Abbey (my 4 year old) shows me everyday that either she is unable to be taught or I can't teach! But you better believe that when I let go of showing her MY WAY and I just encourage and build her up, she flourishes. So, I may try some meals from scratch, Amazing Pinterest crafts, killer scrapbooks, or challenge my kids to read or add before their time (I love when I hear this: "my two year old can read chapter books" lol) but I may fail at all of those things. But my focus, my core will be keeping a positive attitude and building up my families confidence. Letting them witness to my hard work and strength in that in hopes they can do the same. Ok so my blog entry turned out to be more like a book, but it's been a while right?!!! My take away? Enjoy my season, really listen who God is calling me to be right now. This calling will change or morph- it's just getting me to be where I need to be eventually- a stepping stone. Growing and nurturing a Family is the most important calling and everything else that is compared to it or belittles it is a lie. There....