Saturday, December 03, 2005

What holds me back....

Tonight, once again, hit home for me. Pastor David spoke about the "things" or the "stuff" that is standing inbetween me and God. What is always repeating in my life that i always struggle with, but God continues to give to me because he wants me to finally do things right!? Even though God's just standing there saying, "Yo Rach, just hand it over, i'll take care of it" i won't let go. well, let me rephrase that, there are still some things i haven't turned over to Him completely. Because I haven't turned these "things" over to God yet, I was revealed in the aspect that I don't have a strong enough, or any faith in God in helping me get out of that cycle.
I gave him my mistakes, my past, my poor decisions, and my old some that would have been hard....for me that was easy...people often say, "man rachael, you've overcome a huge obsticle" but really, all i needed was God along with some stellar friends. the hard part for me is dealing with relationships in my life. ever since i was, i would blame myself for my friends' sadness, unhappiness, or anger. I would take on their feelings and then decided it was my job or responsibility to change their attitudes. as my father always has said, this never helped. i would push and push and push, but that would only drive them farther stomach would be in knots, eyes swollen from crying, and lonely in my room with their problems on my mind. i know i can't control everything, so why do i still, at 23 years of age think that i can make everyone better? all i can do it LOVE on them...give them space...and pray that God will heal. it sounds so easy...I KNOW! but really for me, i'm like, God, its my fault, let me take this one. My fault? How can how someone else feel be my i responsible for my choices and actions? i responsible for their choices and actions? no....anyways...that's what i have the hardest time doing, that's what's between me and god...the feeling of being powerless in a situation...the feeling that i won't be able to mend their wounds and make them smile.
I know i have to say YES to Jesus around EVERY corner....the question isn't what must i do anymore...its what must I posess!!!!? FAITH IN OUR LORD! Yes, i have to obey the word of God, do things right in His eyes, but man the 1 thing i'm missing is putting all my faith in Him...i know it sounds horrible, but i really struggle with it. I can no longer let "things" get in the way of me and God. with an expectation like that, i'll be striving each and everyday!
So, Lord, please hear my deepest desires are for you to instill in me a strength to let go, accept and love. i pray to see my friends and family the way you see them....through good and bad, hard and easy times. Help me love on them like you would. Help me remember that people hurt and its not always going to be my fault..they may hold grudges, blame, or hurt me in the process, but please lord, remind me that the more seeds of love i sew, the more love i'll recieve in me to let go of the anger and frustration from not understanding...and please lord work in me in a way you've never worked before...i'm giving it to you. 100% its all yours, i'm not saying "no" this time. I know the more i give my heart, the more you will protect it, i trust you...