Saturday, January 21, 2006

journey towards an unknown destination

I haven't really had a serious blog in quite some time now...there are many reasons for that, one, there hasn't been a lot of time where i could use my blog as a tool to really reflect on how God's working in my life. two, most of the blessings God has given me in the past two weeks have been too personal to post. and three, well, whenever I would attempt to write a "deep" blog the blank, white space where I enter text seemed way too antimidating for some reason. what i want to write about today has been on my heart for sometime, but God has just allowed it to build and build until i was finally able to put it into words and understand what it all meant.
during this 21 days of prayer and fasting, everything I have been praying about, whether it be for me or a loved one, has been revealed. sometimes, one prayer's effect has caused another one to surface. so when I write about this latest answer God has given me, who am i to deny it being true?
I have been struggling with putting faith in God about myself, my comfort level on my relationship with Him. I can count on Him 100% when i ask him to take care of something for someone else, or unfold a gift in someone, but when it comes to me, its a battle. maybe i don't believe i really need it deep down? maybe i think that if i'm given that, i won't handle it the way i should? maybe i'm afraid of stepping outta the boat? over the past few weeks, i realized that all those reasons on the surface are revelant, but really, my struggle stems with my focus on Him. God knows i have to cut all things that i go to daily that distance my relationship to God(like in the fast, chocolate, tv, anything with sugar, you know the hard things to dismiss from your life) in order to give my full focus on Him. I would watch tv at night, just to watch, but in the back of my head it was to delay time with God because I didn't want to confront things in my life to God. There is more than just sugar or mindless television though. Because i gave up those things, and have really ran towards my time with God, it has been so hard for me to accept the changes He has informed me to make. Because focusing on the struggle is so much easier than doing something about it, like i'm supposed to, He has closed off all feeling I have towards the change. Where I would get excited for it, i don't, where i show affection for it, i can't, where i long for it, awkwardness settles in. I thought back to why God started to work in me that way...I was drawn to my journal, and started reading back, and then i saw my first prayer about it. "God if anything or anyone gets in my way with my relationship to you, put up a wall, close off my feelings, so you are the only one i can turn to or focus on." I thought it was so impertinent at the time! I didn't envision that it would be like this.
if you know me, you know i love to love on people....I LOVE having people around me. I would do anything for my friends and family....but God has made my view on those relationships not as important now, i guess is what i'm trying to say. i've always put those first. He knows i have to get my life in order before Peru, and there is so much to be worked on. Don't get me wrong, i still value my friends and family to the highest degree, but for the reasons i've mentioned, i'm so numb. i would normally want to reach for a close friend for a hug or kind words, but i've tried it, and i'm numb. i'm scared to go to God so vulnerable, feeling so empty. i am always the happy prayer, even when things are challenging. I pray that God helps my friends and family realize that i still care about them so much....I don't mean to be cold or distant, but i can't control those feelings. maybe its more inward than what it appears...but last night when i was hanging out with a great group of people, i left or they left the house and I felt like such a bad friend. my roommate reassured me that I wasn't being like that, but inside my perspective was different. i felt horrible.
i know God will turn this time into something positive for my life 100%...but as for now, i pray that others are just patient with me. i've never realized that i needed this so much. i always knew i depended on people for advice, comfort, and validity to a certain degree, and i've always known that what God thinks is the only truth i need to seek. I trust and believe that in the end, our relationship will grow on a level that in unexplainable. This numbness is killing me, and can only motivate me to allow God make this process of growth less painful.
this season in my life is a time where I am learning to give it all to Him. I always thought that happiness was a picture with everything i needed and wanted was in it with me, family, kids, house, husband, but right now, i can only see a mountain and its too bright to focus on anything else. my future, where i could envision it before, i can't. my desires, i don't remember what they were...and i know i don't have to worry about it, God's working in me, and that's all i need and desire right now. i don't know where i'm going, but i know its somewhere good. and for those of you who understand means more than u know.