Obey, obey, obey

Let me just get it out there for you.
I justify, reason, and lie to myself when i want to cover up what God really wants from me.
I lie to myself by believing that He really can't use me. I'm too much of a mess. I get emotional when I shouldn't. And then i reason by saying, "well, i'm too emotional because my mom was, that's just the way i am". That's the truth, I'm emotional, but it's a lie that i will never change.
All this does is set myself back from being used. But mostly, it makes me feel so empty and alone.
To everyone else, "oh things are fine, God is good all the time, all the time God is good".
This hurts God. My attitude towards myself sometimes hurts him so much. No wonder i feel alone. He can't stand to see my like that. I seperate myself from my husband, friends, and God when i get like that. Praise God that I have a husband who follows the Lord so strongly. His faith and love for Jesus goes beyond measure. I've been denying some things Gary has spoken in to me for a while now and I realized yesterday why.
When i get emotional, i hide the gifts God has placed inside of me to use for good. Being emotional is ok, but sometimes i let it control everything about me. God is teaching me as He matures me, that I can change. I don't always have to be this way.
Yesterday, Gary said to me, "the most important thing i've learned Rachael is to never disobey God, he asks you for a reason." When i really heard him saying that, my emotions cleared like fog risiing from the ground. Everything was so clear and i could feel what he wanted to do in me. He wanted to show me a vision, he wanted to show me what he wanted from me.

1 Cor 14 Gifts of Prophecy
1Follow the way of love and eagerly desire spiritual gifts, especially the gift of prophecy. 2For anyone who speaks in a tongue[a] does not speak to men but to God. Indeed, no one understands him; he utters mysteries with his spirit.[b] 3But everyone who prophesies speaks to men for their strengthening, encouragement and comfort. 4He who speaks in a tongue edifies himself, but he who prophesies edifies the church. 5I would like every one of you to speak in tongues,[c] but I would rather have you prophesy. He who prophesies is greater than one who speaks in tongues,[d] unless he interprets, so that the church may be edified.
If you keep reading it Paul says, "so it is with you" 2 times throughout that passage, but that part was what really stuck with me. God was telling me, Rachael, this isn't just about you. This isn't just about our walk, it's about the death around you. When you spend time with me WHEN YOU WANT you are seperate from the world, but when you distance yourself from me, you are like everyone else. "there is no distinction between the notes" and your prayers you say for yourself is just like "speaking into the air". Come to me, run, the message starts out saying, "3Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it—because it does. Give yourselves to the gifts God gives you. Most of all, try to proclaim his truth."
I cannot get any gift from god, i cannot grow or mature if i don't run toward him in love, but most of all accepting his love for me. he shows me everyday through my husband. he shows me mercy and grace and forgiveness through Gary. I experience it, but i border myself up through justification, and reasoning, "oh he's just saying that, he'll see the real me and definitely not be able to forgive me then". How much does that sound like the evil one?
He then proved this revelation to me through a close friend. I went to her house yesterday to share married life stories, struggles, joys and hopes. I struggle with believing what Gary has to say to me is to help ,not to cut me down or for me to take defense. Her problem was that her husband doesn't tell her anything, he stopped reading the Bible and giving his time to God first. God was saying to me, dang rach, she has nothing-no leadership....look at Gary and be thankful....fall to your knees and ask for forgiveness of being soooo soooooo selfish.
since i did...god's been opening doors...thank you jesus.
when he tells you to do something, don't deny it or justify it into what you want. just do it, and do it well!