Sunday, October 30, 2011

growing and stretching

When I was saved in Jan of 2005, I didn't need a church for God to reach me. My life came crashing down and God used close friends who thankfully went to church and knew how to lead a lost person Home. But when I realized God was real, it was just me and Him. I forget that sometimes. I forget that the most intimate life long lesson moments are just between the two of us.
This past year, especially the past 4 months have been the hardest ever. Gary took on a new position as a boss in his company, I started teaching high school, which sucks by the way, and i have a 2.5 year old and 9 month old. Safe to say i have a LOT on my plate. Gary is rarely home, and when he is, his job has sucked the life out of him so much he is only with us in body...his mind and spirit are lost in nothingness. This has been real hard because one of the reasons i married gary is because he is so involved with family and family is a number one priority with him. he was so involved when abbey was younger, but now because of this job he hasn't been able to be involved at all. on top of that it's killing him inside. if i share my concerns with him about not being around, it would make him feel horrible and crush him. when i told him adelyn crawled one saturday morning he had to be in the office, he was devistated.
he tells me how i'm the glue that holds all of us together, and i really appreciate those words, but sometimes when i'm all alone doing everything, i start to focus on the bad and make it even worse. "what about me" always runs in my head. i never get time to myself and when i do all i want to accomplish is a nap of some sort. (doing everything also involves teaching 10th graders how to read, laundry, cooking dinner every night, grocery shopping, baths, comforting a 9 month old in the middle of the night with an ear infection or teething, then waking up at 5 am to get the kids ready take them to daycare and the whole process starts all over again) we just moved to tampa and i have no friends to hang with in my "free time".
now all this "doing" may not be a big deal, but when I focus on all the negative and magnify it, it turns me into a bitter, mean, resentful you know what. not the loving nurturing woman god made me to be and promised me i would be that cold january evening.
so after this week during my peer evaluation that i was freaking about, i had a break down wed night and god spoke.
"rae, you dont have a church, but when you did, that couldn't help you in this season stop focusing on being alone...gary feels the same way as you do, that's why i brought you together...the doing...well rae it's not as important as you think, you're just using that to make the time fly by because you hate this season so much-just embrace it-it's not going away for a while. gary is going to be a success, and he needs u to help and do your part if u ever want to be the success i promised you you would b. you will break generational curses, you will not manipulate, you will love and nurture your family and i will use you to bring them to a place of peace and growth and accomplishment. but u are not alone. i am a better source than what anyone can give you. stop turning me on and off. i love you"
I think of Pastor Kerri and how she must have had to hit that point of breaking too. Pastor Stovall is one of the greatest pastors in the US. God called him to lead an influential church for this century and she was probably all alone. but look at her now-she is an amazing pastor and probably didn't spend the time during her hard seasons just fixed on the bad parts of it. she pressed in and now look at all her wisdom!!! when i do get really lonely, i listen to her sermons or think about what she would do in my situation. even though i give all my glory to god, i'm still thankful for PK. we aren't besties or anything, but she is that spiritual leader i know has gone through a major refining process-i mean come on LOOK AT THAT WISDOM! plus behind every great man, is an even greater woman...
so thank you God for being louder than my self pity..i will chose to follow your lead and take your comfort-help me to always make that choice. also, help us find a church we can give ourselves too, i love helping others-it keeps my mind off myself...that would be excellent
love, me